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Old 02-06-2012, 06:39 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
I've mostly had the opposite issue--when I was involved with more than one person, I was super patient and easy-going and tolerated a lot of situations that were...not that great.
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Old 02-06-2012, 08:58 PM
noob noob is offline
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Originally Posted by RfromRMC View Post
I wouldn't say poly makes a person less patient but it makes you prioritize what type of BS you put up with.
If you look out for yourself as a top priority and then look out for your primary partner as your next highest priority, then that leaves less energy to deal with crap from anyone else.

A single poly without a primary will likely not seem less patient than a mono is.
Yes, this is kind of how I was thinking. I tended always in mono relationships to hang on for far longer than I should--I'd get that "this won't work" gut feeling and just simply hang on and on trying to make it work. Now when I get that feeling, I lose interest in trying to make it work almost immediately. My primary says he feels like that is fine and healthy and I shouldn't worry so much about whether I'm "too picky" or intolerant of problems in my secondary relationships.

I have another friend who tells me he thinks maybe my poly model is just a secure primary + more casual dating--but I haven't felt these relationships were casual. They were love relationships, they just didn't work out except in the short-term.

Last edited by noob; 02-06-2012 at 09:04 PM.
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Old 02-06-2012, 09:13 PM
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Kommander Kommander is offline
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I also vote "actually, I've become more patient being poly than I was when mono."

I think it is because... well, it has come to my attention that in mono dating, it is apparently acceptable to date more than one person until exclusivity is asked for and agreed to. That has not been my experience. It was my understanding that one does not ask another on a first date unless they are willing to be exclusive from the beginning.

Anyway, as a mono, I always felt as though I was looking for "the one that is meant for me," and the moment I figured out that a woman wasn't my perfect match, I was done. Because, if she wasn't "The One," I was wasting time and closing myself off to the possibility of meeting "The One." Now, I no longer have that feeling. A girl that I'm seeing doesn't have to be "The One," and I'm not missing out on anything by continuing to be involved with someone who isn't "perfect for me." It doesn't matter, as long as I enjoy the relationships I have despite their imperfections.

Also, I'm more open to different types of relationships. None of the women I'm seeing now fit what my description of what I thought, as a mono, a girlfriend "should be." Now, I focus on what I like about the relationships, rather than focusing on what more I'd like.
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Old 02-06-2012, 09:18 PM
lovebug lovebug is offline
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I don't think poly makes a person less patient. I've actually found myself more forgiving of little flaws and imperfections than I was as a monogamous person. Poly, for me, has done two things. 1) It's helped me focus in on what I want from a relationship and the ability to communicate as such. 2) It's shown me all my relationships hold value and purpose, even if they don't last forever.
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Old 02-06-2012, 10:32 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I don't think polyamory "makes you" anything. I mean, it's not like a magic spell gets cast over you when you decide to have poly relationships and suddenly your personality changes. As an approach or structure for your relationships, poly allows you to see more opportunities and more options to choose from in your responses and behaviors, but it is your own inherent wisdom and sense of who you are and what you want that fuels your choices, I believe. I will add that I think poly does set the stage for adopting and learning new skills, and getting better at old ones that one might not have exercised much prior to living polyamorously.

Now, it may be, because you are newly poly, that you're feeling like a kid in a candy store and are realizing that you can have more and more and more... but I think once the newness dies down, and as long as you stay grounded and true to yourself, you might find yourself willing to put more work and be more patient with relationships that are not totally as satisfying in all aspects as you would have wanted when you were mono, simply because you know you get those other needs satisfied by someone else.
The world opens up... when you do.

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Last edited by nycindie; 02-07-2012 at 12:12 AM.
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Old 02-07-2012, 12:05 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Default Tolerances

I have noticed a shift in my tolerances since Dude and I got together. Since I don't date and am never particularly "looking" for a partner I can't comment on that aspect of things but...

Pre-Dude I was sometimes craving physical affection when MrS was not in the mood, and this would make me cranky and critical (which, of course, did nothing to get him in the mood). Since Dude is ALWAYS in the mood I am never lacking in this department...resulting in a less-cranky, less-critical Jane (when I need physical reassurance from MrS specifically - now I just go stand next to him at his computer and he can kiss me or cuddle me or just lean his head against me and I am all good without having to press him for more than he wants).

On the other hand, I have become hyperaware of MrS's feelings (or my perception of them - he doesn't tend to bring things up unless he is REALLY bothered by something). If I think that MrS is at all put out or upset with me I get really anxious and distracted (most of this is completely out of proportion - I'm working on it). I think I have this underlying fear that he is NOT as okay with our current situation as he seems (even though he reassures me this is not the case).
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (6+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, FWBs to SLeW
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 02-07-2012 at 12:09 AM. Reason: expanded explanation
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Old 02-08-2012, 01:38 PM
Pretzels Pretzels is offline
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I understand the snowballing downswing effect, but seeing as I'm the relative newcomer to a longer-term friendship with limited physical benefits between the guys here's how things usually play out in our polyfidelity scenario:

I get ticked at something E does or how he behaves as if he is not in a relationship with either of us. This is compounded in my head because it usually reminds me of something a previous ex did during a monogamous relationship that really ticked me off and became a game ender. Storm clouds descend.

T looks at the weather map of my head and gets me talking. We form a plan on how to get the three of us talking about the issue. I am reminded why T is so intensely wonderful and, by default, why E ain't so bad himself. Storm clouds blow over. Sometimes there's a rainbow, but most times I'm just happy there wasn't a tornado.

On occasion, it's me moderating between T and E. Very rarely does E moderate between T and me - that just isn't something he can do.

I think the toughest thing for me is that I sometimes think, "This is too hard, this three. I know T and I would be happy without all this damn work." But, in the end, we're happier with all of us in each other's lives. Sigh. Not much to be done about that.
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Old 02-09-2012, 03:50 AM
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Alleycat Alleycat is offline
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yes. actually.

I have noticed being married to my primary seems to cut the patience for new partners negative traits and major downswings preety much in half.
And the longer you stay married, the shorter that patience gets as well.

Its not that that I feel I care less for the new partners, but that I'm more aware that I have more of a permanent emotionally support aside from them which makes it easier to walk away from someone who is becoming too large an investment of energy with very little positive outcome rather than dump more energy and time into a potential interpersonal sinkhole of a relationship.

And oddly in my case Its allow me to sidestep potential relationships that would ultimately end of being nothing but trouble before I trip headlong into NRE-land. (Used to actually be a bit of a problem of mine)

Its not malicious, at worst its just a flavour of positive cynicism.
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Old 02-09-2012, 05:39 PM
Pretzels Pretzels is offline
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I think, in this case, T helps cut through the frustration I feel at times when dealing with E. In our different ways, we act the way the federal government was designed - checks and balances - against each other.
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Old 02-10-2012, 12:05 PM
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Somegeezer Somegeezer is offline
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I imagine in mono relationships, the reason people put up with a lot more shit could be to do with a fear of being alone or something, whereas when you have many realtionships, you feel that you'll still have the love and support when you cut away from the things that aren't going so well. I think that is one of the problems of being mono, rather than being poly. You should look at it as a good thing, that you got out of something you weren't happy with.

But it also depends how sever something is, as to whether it could be the right or wrong move. Ask yourself if it is something you can work through or if it is something you just cannot live with at all. That should give you the answer on what to do every time.
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