Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #231  
Old 01-23-2012, 05:26 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Hi everyone, just wanted you to know that Mookitten's posts have been moved to their own thread at this address.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #232  
Old 01-26-2012, 12:17 AM
GAKitten GAKitten is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: USA, GA
Posts: 9
Default

When i meet my husband I told him as his friend I was poly. I loaned him books, read him MANY of my postings on it and he knew before marriage i partispated in Poly support groups/dinners. He also knew i don't do one night stands , hooks ups, or casual sex well at all.

All during our dating, and eventual marriage , Never did i ever pretend to be mono, or would be. But in his head he thought marriage meant I would change who i was.

After marriage I still kept my blog and shared videos, articles, videos, and went to my support meetings. I never dated anyone during our marriage. i just hadn't met anyone I bonded with. However when I told him of one gent who was already partners with 2 women i adored, I exspressed interest to see if we clicked deeper...he accused me of cheating.


I never once cheated, on any level. I never pretended to be something i was not. We are seperated now. Live apart..ironically it was him whom cheated on me several times. LONG before the discussion of the other gent was brought up.


Needless to say I wont regret it. I won't be mono ever again. Ive tried it. Was always faithful, loyal, loving gf. Everyone of them cheated and lied and left. I really have no interest in dating anyone mono/or poly who doesn't have the ability to love me for me.
Reply With Quote
  #233  
Old 02-09-2012, 06:35 AM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Reply to a fellow mono person about sex and sharing a partner when you give yourself to only one.

"Your views on sex are the same as mine…or least were the same as mine. I compare it to when I collected comics. Value was associated with limited circulation copies. The more people who had the same issue the less its value becomes. Sound familiar? The thing is, if I was collecting for the right reasons I would have focused on the enjoyment I took from the stories and wouldn’t have cared about how many others were enjoying it. Because being able to enjoy the story is more important than keeping it locked away to preserve its “artificial value”.
I am in no way saying that a person who gives himself or herself to one person is not sharing an amazing gift – they are. But with a poly person they can share that gift with many and feel the same joy and rewards as someone who only shares it with one. They appreciate every experience as unique. YOU are unique.
I think I have worked through the value aspect of sex when it is not exclusive. For me, the visualization of someone breathing and seeing the same things I do when me and Redpepper have sex with other men is what bothers me. I’m no homophobe, but I still get a little turned off by the idea of someone else’s penis going the same place my face does…except her husband, he’s different. I want them to have sex because I think it is a sign of a healthy marriage. I think I am also working through this too.
My biggest concern is if a person has not felt love returned the same way they give it. I was married monogamously for 15 great years (the last three I lost connection and hurt a lot of people). I have that to relate to. Experienced it and enjoyed all the “normal” things associated with that poly is far away from achieving at this point.
What do you want from the relationship? Can it be achieved with a poly person? Think about this because the answers will tell you if this is worth the work. And it is a lot of work to be sure.
Hope this helps. Your relationships are destined to change over time no matter what dynamic you have. It’s just different things than partners that cause those changes."

Peace and Love
Mono
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over

Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 02-09-2012 at 07:04 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #234  
Old 07-04-2014, 09:03 PM
jurgenk's Avatar
jurgenk jurgenk is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: BC, Canada
Posts: 3
Default Thank You For Sharing

Posted my original questions in this thread (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=70585) and having just finished the 24 pages in this one, it has certainly helped to read vodkafan, sage, and other's experiences to feel less unique. The relationship I am in now was prefaced by 4 years alone and I thought that I was in an emotional healthy place only to realize that the self-esteem issues I have had nearly since birth, are still there and need to be dealt with before I can ever truly love another. Appreciate the insight, wisdom, and experiences that all have shared here...
Reply With Quote
  #235  
Old 07-04-2014, 09:26 PM
sage's Avatar
sage sage is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 622
Default

Hi Jurgenk

Welcome and Iím glad our musings, insights, tears and struggles have helped. I donít come on here much anymore because after 6 years in my polymono relationship I can truly say that I am largely at peace with it. Ultimately for me this has come about by exploring polyamory for myself. I have had a number of poly relationships, and while each has helped in its own way my heart remains largely mono. While my poly partner is empowered and uplifted by his other relationships overall, I am inevitably drained, confused and hurt by them. Of course there are patches of joy but the downsides seem to outweigh the upsides, whereas the opposite is true for Mike.

I follow this thread so if I can be of any further help just sing out.

Sage
Reply With Quote
  #236  
Old 07-04-2014, 10:15 PM
jurgenk's Avatar
jurgenk jurgenk is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: BC, Canada
Posts: 3
Default

Thank you for the welcome sage and for many of the thoughts that you have written as they have helped... I know that if I was to explore an open/poly relationship for myself at this time, it would simply lead to internal conflict as I need to learn the fill the sometimes yawning chasm in myself before asking anyone else to peer over the edge in fear.
Reply With Quote
  #237  
Old 07-04-2014, 10:50 PM
sage's Avatar
sage sage is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 622
Default

Yes I understand the logic of that and that was my initial intention as well.What I discovered was that it set up a resentment in me because I felt like I was prepared to do a lot of difficult self-work that Mike was not, so I just counsel you to be gentle and nurturing of yourself. There is also a very good polymono support group on yahoo groups.

Sage
Reply With Quote
  #238  
Old 07-05-2014, 05:41 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,235
Default

Hi Sage,
Just wanted to ask if you are ever going to make your e-book available again?
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #239  
Old 07-05-2014, 07:03 AM
sage's Avatar
sage sage is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 622
Wink

Hi NYCindie
Yes well I have thought about doing a second edition
And include what I have discovered over the last few
Years, because the first book was very much from my
Experience as a newbie. Then I think about all the work
Involved for what is a very small market and as a result
Gave away a lot of copies to the polymonos on yahoo.

I'm currently writing erotica, which is a lot more fun
Reply With Quote
  #240  
Old 07-07-2014, 03:20 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 364
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by sage View Post
Hi Jurgenk

Welcome and Iím glad our musings, insights, tears and struggles have helped. I donít come on here much anymore because after 6 years in my polymono relationship I can truly say that I am largely at peace with it. Ultimately for me this has come about by exploring polyamory for myself. I have had a number of poly relationships, and while each has helped in its own way my heart remains largely mono. While my poly partner is empowered and uplifted by his other relationships overall, I am inevitably drained, confused and hurt by them. Of course there are patches of joy but the downsides seem to outweigh the upsides, whereas the opposite is true for Mike.

I follow this thread so if I can be of any further help just sing out.

Sage
So without reading the pages and pages and pages....are you saying you turned to mono? Im currently getting divorced...as is my partner (we were secondaries)....but he wants to stay poly, I don't. I don't believe in it for ME much at all anymore.
__________________
keep on keeping on
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
divorce, mono, mono poly, mono/poly, monogamy

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:09 AM.