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  #11  
Old 02-08-2012, 07:37 PM
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drtalon drtalon is offline
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When we hooked up I assumed she knew what she was doing so I didn't bother to ask "Are you seeing anyone?" because I would've expected a response like "Would I be hooking up with you if I were?"

...

seems unorthodox for something casual
Once you reject the orthodox assumption of monogamy, you should be prepared to reject the rest of the cultural relationship/dating orthodoxy. You should not be surprised to learn not everyone shares your assumptions/expectations about how non-monogamous relationships ought to work. This is highly ranked among the reasons you hear polyfolk chant "communicate, communicate, communicate!"
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  #12  
Old 02-09-2012, 02:21 AM
Hunter85 Hunter85 is offline
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Having no prior knowledge or exposure to poly like many many other people I know I would think that the communication about that ought to be left to the poly partner, should it not?
Either way I now know a lot more about it apart from it's existence and shall inquire about it with future partners.
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  #13  
Old 02-09-2012, 04:01 AM
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Senga Senga is offline
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Originally Posted by Hunter85 View Post
...

So, even though there's no commitment in the sense of a full time relationship, does this seem dishonest or borderline cheaty or something?
Doesn't quite sit right with me =/
In my opinion, you have rights, she should respect you enough to inform about sexual health, so she should tell you about old, new, ongoing, sexual partners/status.
This is why I personally seek not only honesty, but transparency as well. & I say so very specifically, very soon in the relationship, as soon as I realize I like someone.
Hope things go well for you

Last edited by Senga; 02-09-2012 at 04:03 AM.
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  #14  
Old 02-09-2012, 05:47 AM
Hunter85 Hunter85 is offline
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Cheers.
Yeah I told her about my past sexual experiences (short story :P). Perhaps it's too much to expect similar.
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  #15  
Old 02-11-2012, 05:20 AM
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Originally Posted by Hunter85 View Post
Cheers.
Yeah I told her about my past sexual experiences (short story :P). Perhaps it's too much to expect similar.
IMO

when I said 'she' i meant not just her, but any future girlfriend you get involved with too

and no, it is not just the poly person who is supposed to communicate. Even in a monogamous relationship, communication is each individuals responsibility. Communicate if you want something, or if you don't want something, specifically. It cant hurt
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  #16  
Old 02-11-2012, 11:28 AM
Hunter85 Hunter85 is offline
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Completely agree with you .
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  #17  
Old 02-11-2012, 03:53 PM
Moonglow Moonglow is offline
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I felt funny about a situation where I was just having coffee with some guys from a common hobby and both were flirting with me. I wasn't even interested in either but I didn't want to lead either on. I really liked talking about our hobby and \ they gotta flirt with me. I just wanna talk shop.
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  #18  
Old 02-11-2012, 10:05 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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It's not about "right to know," it's about "responsibility to ask."

Did you ever ask her if she was seeing other people?

Did you ever ask her to disclose her sexual history?

Did you ever ask her if she would be willing to have a semi-committed relationship with you?

"Respect" only comes into play if you asked her these questions and she lied. You can't fault a person for not answering questions you didn't ask.

It's 2012, people. The buck stops here.

I'm free to go around making all the assumptions I want about other people. But when I find out those assumptions are wrong, I have nobody but myself to blame for making them.

Even if you take polyamory out of the picture, it's a fact that many monogamous people "date around." Some people call it "playing the field" or "keeping my options open." That's why it's common for new couples to explicitly agree to "be in a relationship" and to be monogamous. Otherwise, it's assumed that they're seeing other people.
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Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 02-11-2012 at 10:27 PM.
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  #19  
Old 02-13-2012, 05:21 PM
Hunter85 Hunter85 is offline
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Did I ask her if she was seeing other people?
No, I can't say I did. Not until after I heard a 3rd hand rumor (and I not fond of actingbon rumors). I also (in hindsight regrettably) assumed that because she didn't bringvit up then there wasn't any others to speak of. As to why I didn't think to ask I'll get to in a second.

Did I ask her to disclose her sexual history?
Not in the sense that I outrightly said "Who or how many people have you slept with" (at least not until later on to which I'm still not entirely sure...or at this point care) but we did discuss our sexual history to an extent (first times etc).

Did I ask about a semi-commited relationship?
Yep. About after the 3rd or 4th time we slept together and had been out together as well. The fact that she was internationally bound in a matter of months was the only thing that came up. She said "I'll think about it", brought it up a few days later but it was essentially the same conversation (no mention of other men she was seeing) and no answer.

It's 2012
Indeed I am aware (now more so than before) that poly exists and other forms of non mono but I had mentioned to her that I wasn't what one would call "practiced" in relationships and many others I know that are still don't know of poly like I didn't at the time. Thus I never thought to ask such. Something like that I (foolishly it seems) thought is what the practitioner would bring up.

Yeah I've known people who've been in or are in open relationships. Something I'm sure they discuss.
But am I to ask every conceivable relationship related question just to cover all bases? Would that not seem a little...I dunno, interrogative or weird??
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  #20  
Old 02-13-2012, 07:01 PM
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Default lets take it from here... :)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hunter85 View Post
Did I ask her if she was seeing other people?
No, I can't say I did. Not until after I heard a 3rd hand rumor (and I not fond of actingbon rumors). I also (in hindsight regrettably) assumed that because she didn't bringvit up then there wasn't any others to speak of. As to why I didn't think to ask I'll get to in a second.

Did I ask her to disclose her sexual history?
Not in the sense that I outrightly said "Who or how many people have you slept with" (at least not until later on to which I'm still not entirely sure...or at this point care) but we did discuss our sexual history to an extent (first times etc).

Did I ask about a semi-commited relationship?
Yep. About after the 3rd or 4th time we slept together and had been out together as well. The fact that she was internationally bound in a matter of months was the only thing that came up. She said "I'll think about it", brought it up a few days later but it was essentially the same conversation (no mention of other men she was seeing) and no answer.

It's 2012
Indeed I am aware (now more so than before) that poly exists and other forms of non mono but I had mentioned to her that I wasn't what one would call "practiced" in relationships and many others I know that are still don't know of poly like I didn't at the time. Thus I never thought to ask such. Something like that I (foolishly it seems) thought is what the practitioner would bring up.

Yeah I've known people who've been in or are in open relationships. Something I'm sure they discuss.
But am I to ask every conceivable relationship related question just to cover all bases? Would that not seem a little...I dunno, interrogative or weird??


Hey baby, I totally understand what you are saying here!
It does seem very obvious to be considerate doesn't it??

But unfortunately, some people are not as bright/smart, or as naturally considerate as you are! ( i wish they were, negotiating relationships would be so much more pleasant)

On top of that, it can be so confusing, and you can't expect anyone to read your mind! People are so diverse & have different dealbreakers so it is almost impossible to please everyone in the same way if you don't know what they want!

Even so, the answer is no.
You should *not * need to interrogate every little aspect of the relationship. That would be exhausting!

I think that for you, you need to now take some time to identify what your dealbreakers are!
It's not that you should have to ask EVERY little possible thing in a relationship.
I am SURE that you want to be with someone who cares about you just as much as you care about them. And by that I mean someone who respects you just as much as you respect them.

So, in order to do that, you would need to clarify your boundaries & communicate those clearly. Hopefully this experience will help you in realizing your boundaries.

Best wishes! think possitive!
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