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  #21  
Old 02-09-2012, 05:35 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Hey, I think you are misunderstanding me! Looking at my sentence that you quoted, I see why. I know that no b/c is foolproof (um, hello, I've been around a while).
Ok, good, I'm glad I misunderstood because I REALLY couldn't believe you said that!
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What does 41 weeks got to do with it? I don't mind being called blunt, but tactless? Sheesh, we're all adults, right? Was I supposed to pussyfoot around the pregnant woman?
To put it bluntly, yes. There's a huge difference between giving someone the unvarnished truth and hitting them over the head with it. At 41 weeks, she's counting every day, every hour, on edge, constantly wondering when it's going to be "the time" and what's going to happen, if it's going to go well, especially with her first birth. Her body is huge and unwieldy and at the very least uncomfortable and not sleeping well. Nevermind the hormones that are ALL OVER the place. Maybe I'm projecting overmuch and maybe her pregnancy isn't as miserable as some (I hope not!) but I've done it twice and had a LOT of pregnant friends. Nature makes the end of pregnancy miserable on purpose, I think, to make us willing to go through labor to get that child OUT! So at least have some empathy and err on the side of speaking with some gentleness and compassion.
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All I meant was that the OP's hubs is responsible, too
and
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My main point was that she shouldn't be feeling like she's fucked up his chance to be poly somehow by getting preggers, as if that is all her fault, and he shouldn't be complaining about it. He was there, he played a part, so it's not all on her. She got pregnant -- it happened. They are in this together, and made their choices, but I see lots of self-blaming going on and was mostly responding to this:
Yes, which is why I said I mostly agreed with you. I thought the rest of what you said was spot-on, which probably contributed to why the part I had a problem with seemed SO out of place.

Thanks for clarifying.

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Originally Posted by Pretzels View Post
Maybe that's him, alone. And maybe that's her, too.

Good luck. Try not to go insane.
I'd be REALLY careful about opening the door to her helping with the baby. Friends and family can help cook, clean, maybe even change a diaper or two, but that's new parent/child bonding time. If you are already dealing with issues regarding her presence in your life I personally wouldn't be willing to have her around WHILE I'm getting used to motherhood and getting to know my new child. I didn't even care for having my mother-in-law around! This is your child as much as his and you have EVERY right to say who is or is not welcome around you and the baby in the first few months, at least.
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  #22  
Old 02-09-2012, 06:26 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Sending you lots of positive thoughts. One of my close family members is due to have a baby soon. She's fat, tired, uncomfortable and in a bad mood all the time. And when the baby comes - it'll get worse! (baby is her 4th).

I'm happily childless but have lots of friends with kids. My experience is that it's hard to stay in touch with even good friends when they have babies. Everything changes for them. In some cases, friendships have been put on hold for a good couple of years while my friends learnt how to be parents.

I can't imagine how it would be possible to go about making a new, emotionally significant friendship during that period of time. My friends have tended to spend their emotional energy on their babies and often any energy left over is spent on making new friends with people who are in the same position as they are.

Many of them report those friendships as being very significant because of the help and support provided by other people who are going through the same joys and challenges.

Wishing you luck and for a relatively easy birth.

IP
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  #23  
Old 02-09-2012, 05:45 PM
Pretzels Pretzels is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray View Post
I'd be REALLY careful about opening the door to her helping with the baby. Friends and family can help cook, clean, maybe even change a diaper or two, but that's new parent/child bonding time. If you are already dealing with issues regarding her presence in your life I personally wouldn't be willing to have her around WHILE I'm getting used to motherhood and getting to know my new child. I didn't even care for having my mother-in-law around! This is your child as much as his and you have EVERY right to say who is or is not welcome around you and the baby in the first few months, at least.
Fair enough. The only poly situation (two couple quad) I knew that went through this was already well-established by the time the one woman got pregnant. They've done a lot of group parenting even post-dissolution. However, I can see your point in making a relative newcomer such a fixture in your life during a time of great upheaval.
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  #24  
Old 02-10-2012, 04:46 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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I think that having a newborn at home is one of those things that many people don't really have the capacity to understand until they have been through it.

As part of my job I spend time talking with and counseling pregnant and post-partum women and their partners. Now, I don't have personal experience in this regard myself either but I have seen many people go through this process. Most new parents seem pretty much overwhelmed (and exhausted). The universal response seems to be - I love my baby but I never knew it would be like this. I ask them if there is anything anyone (meaning me) could have said that would better have prepared them for this experience. Usually it wasn't that noone told them what to expect, it's that they didn't believe it or thought that those were the "horror stories" and wouldn't apply to them. I direct women and their partners to prepared childbirth classes, breastfeeding classes, newborn care classes. I tell them not to make any plans for visitors/travel/etc for the post-partum period until they see what it is like. (I had a woman 6 mos pregnant who was planning to take her baby on a two-week trip half-way across the country at 6 weeks to "meet" her family. Oh God!)

After the baby is born and they are in the state of basically taking care of the baby and not having the energy to take care of anything else I ask them if anyone they can stand to have around (and see them with their hair greasy and laundry piled up) offered to "help" after the baby was born - lots of people did! NOW is the time to call them - not to visit (i.e. cuddle your kid while you play the hostess) but to do the laundry and dishes and man the diaper table while you take a shower and nap. I am constantly amazed by the number of people who are unwilling to "impose" on their friends and family...

Watched a close friend and his wife go through this...no matter what I said they were convinced that THEIR child would be the exception. The husband was convinced that HIS baby would awake conveniently every 4 hours at night for breastfeeding (which his wife would handle) and he would be awake and refreshed so that he could take care of everything during the day so his wife could take a nap in the afternoon - during which time HIS child would be considerate enough to only have wet (not poopy diapers)...and, of course, they would be perfectly happy to have extended family visit and stay with them to "meet the baby." Oh Goddess!

With regards to the OP - very soon the whole poly issue may be a moot point for some time, my wish for you is that your husband mans up when the baby comes (for many men it seems that the transition to "father" doesn't actually happen until they meet their offspring - then their whole world shifts...suddenly dealing with a poopy diaper is the least of their worries).

Sorry for the lengthy post - working at this for 13 years and still trying to figure out how to best help people prepare for this...
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Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 02-10-2012 at 04:49 AM. Reason: clarity
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  #25  
Old 02-10-2012, 05:15 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
With regards to the OP - very soon the whole poly issue may be a moot point for some time, my wish for you is that your husband mans up when the baby comes (for many men it seems that the transition to "father" doesn't actually happen until they meet their offspring - then their whole world shifts...suddenly dealing with a poopy diaper is the least of their worries).
This is very true.

The rest of your post has me wide eyed with horror and LMAO. I'm sure most first time parents have delusions of bliss until reality smacks them in the face (HARD). Now, we will never admit to having any such delusions .
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  #26  
Old 02-24-2012, 06:59 AM
Red0824 Red0824 is offline
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Hey guys, sorry I didn't get back sooner. We had the baby on the 10th and things have been crazy. I read all of your replies, and thank you so much for the advice, it's certainly helped me try and keep my head together. Anyway, Updates, hubby and I are separating and working towards a divorce. Things escalated in such a way that this is the only option we have. The past caught up to us and the present being as it is didn't help either. It will be a full 2 weeks Friday and during those 2 weeks I, have been up during the night with baby, he has been working a ton and gf is still very much in the picture. I asked him to take a break for us and baby and he wouldnt, apparently the gf is very important to him. He has even spent the night at her house twice since we've been home with the baby. Luckily I have my mom in town and she has been a tremendous help! So the other night he went out drinking after a long day at work, I tried to make it a date night since I can have more fun, but he thought it would be weird and told me gf was there. I exploded, we got into this huge fight that's been going on for days and finally settled on separation on his part, divorce on mine. I just couldn't handle it anymore, he chose her and poly over me and baby. At least that's the way I see it. We haven't been the happiest since I got pregnant, but that was the icing on the cake. One of the major problems is, he can't move out just yet, I'll need two roommates to help with the house so in the mean time we still sleep in the same bed, and my jealousy and guilt of ruining the marriage grows more and more because i still see him almost every day. I'm constantly reminded by him that this was my fault. If I had just been cool and honest about not being comfortable with poly, none of this would have happened. Now the question is, how can I keep my sanity while he is still here? I'm so much better when he isn't around. Not to mention, I'm super horny, and we have amazing sex , but it'll be another 4 weeks till I can do anything and I'd really like to have goodbye sex lol. We haven't been fighting for the past 2 or 3 days so when I'm not crazy, things are calmer. We still love each other and hate the situation, but it is what it is. It's harder because he has her to go to and I'm alone, taking care of a newborn. How can I begin the process of finding myself while he is still here? Now I'm really lost..... But things are crystal clear.
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  #27  
Old 02-24-2012, 07:10 AM
Red0824 Red0824 is offline
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I just read the last two post, Janeqsmythe, I'd love to talk to you about postpartum, not sure if I have it, seeing as how I've been crazy emotional these last 9 months and 2 weeks. But I'd really love to get some feedback on how to handle the situation as it stands now. Should I see a therapist? I feel like I should. It may help me organize my thoughts better. Anyway, id really love to hear what you have to say on this, I need my sanity if I have to see the man I lost and still love everyday for at least a while.
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  #28  
Old 02-24-2012, 02:36 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Congratulations on the birth of your new baby. Sorry to hear that the marriage is ending.

I think you should show this discussion thread to hubby so he knows what you've been going through. And stop feeling guilty! The issue is not that you aren't "cool enough" with poly that your marriage is ending. The issue is that your husband was not willing to slow down and go at "the pace of the one who is struggling the most." I'm not talking about his six years of asking for poly. I mean that when he chose to go ahead and have girlfriends, he didn't need to jump right into sexual relationships with them. He could have slowed down and stayed within boundaries that made it more comfortable for you, and renegotiated those boundaries a little at a time, over time. He got fed up and only wanted what he wanted, when he wanted it.

In fact, I don't even think poly is the issue. He works many hours a week and wants an escape valve by having sex with someone new, but is clearly not committed to giving you the attention you deserve, especially when baby was on the way. And now he's a dad and is more focused on the girlfriend than his wife and child! My guess is that you've overlooked many times when he really hasn't been there for you in the way you needed him to be, for a long time. He thought poly would solve his inability to devote the proper energy to you and your marriage, and now he's pointing the finger of blame at you. You are under no obligation to acquiesce to having a poly arrangement if that is not what you want. Your needs, wants, and desires are valid, just as much as his are.

Now you're a mom. You need to devote your energies to taking care of yourself and your baby. Don't worry about sex right now. If you are going to follow through with divorce, make sure you get child support.

If I were you, I'd change the locks and kick his sorry ass out.
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Last edited by nycindie; 02-24-2012 at 09:55 PM.
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  #29  
Old 02-24-2012, 06:38 PM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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I've just read through this story and it makes me cringe. Red, please stop blaming yourself! I'm guessing your pain has less to do with his polyamory and more to do with his neglect. It's not that he has feelings for his girlfriend, but that he is not demonstrating any love or commitment to you. What kind of new father spends nights away from his baby in the first 2 weeks?! Or when you were pregnant beyond your due date?

Seems to me like you might be perfectly willing to accommodate his polyamorous tendencies if he would first fill your own needs. I don't see any reason why he would expect you to be ok with his going off to be with his girlfriend is he hasn't massaged your feet, changed the baby, and given you a chance to nap first. And that postpartum ban on sex? That's only for penetration. You are plenty entitled to orgasms; in fact they release oxytocin, like breastfeeding, which is good for uterine health. Surely he knows some creative ways to get you there.

He doesn't come across as respectful or considerate in what I've read here, so perhaps you'd be better off without him, but I would still hope that you wait until you've adjusted to your new baby before making any permanent decisions about your marriage. For her sake, if nothing else. If he thinks he has it in himself to be polyamorous, this is his chance to prove he really does have enough love for more than one. (I'm married and poly but I never let time with another man take away from my husband; my first priority is to give him all the love he needs and then some.)
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  #30  
Old 02-24-2012, 07:46 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Sigh, I feel like I am reading more and more threads here and elsewhere where people (usually men) are using poly to be the new cheating. By this I mean they call it poly which seems to make them feel entitled to having other partners NOW no matter what, and they are as inconsiderate to their partner as if they were having an affair.

They are honest that they would like to have other partners, but they don't get the ethical part so much, and that they need to treat existing partners with respect and caring, or to consider their needs, especially if both parties didn't agree upfront to an open relationship.

They don't get the multiple LOVING part, and instead take it as a chance to trample on their current partner(s) if it gets in the way of getting what they want with a new partner.

Worst of all to me, they then blame their current partners when things go wrong and they have the nerve to speak up about not wanting to be treated badly. If they were having an affair they'd just slink off to be with their new partner quietly. By saying that they are poly, they think that means they get to claim it's your fault, that what they want matters more than anything, and you are a bad person for raining on their parade. They don't seem to have a desire to recognize that they aren't willing to make the effort to give you dates, love, time and horribly in this case, to be a giving father. Your husband's choice of partner makes me sad too, I would feel sick if found out I was dating somebody who would encourage me to leave my husband and new baby at home while I went off to have fun instead of telling me to get my ass back there and help take care of them.

I really feel for you, it did not matter if you knew you were going to be OK with poly or not. His being selfish is the issue here as far as I can see. I know new parenthood can be terrifying but I feel sick at the maturity level he is displaying. Don't let him tell you this is your fault. Tell him you won't listen to that. I am sure there are many online resources for how to wrap your head around motherhood when the other partner goes absent, ones that might help you figure out how to ask him to take care of his child a few hours here and there so you can have the time and space you need to relax, sleep, wander around a department store, or meet with friends.
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