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  #11  
Old 02-08-2012, 10:18 PM
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It sounds like he is filling a gap with other women to me. Maybe because he was denied his true identity for so long? Maybe he didn't really want a kid ands sees it as your thing? I dunno. Something is up there.

I agree, poly has no place when babies are due if people are new to it. Time to buckle down and figure out how to be a dad, not someone's bf. I think he's in denial.

When I had my boy, almost 9 years ago we took a break for three years. Then we started in again slowly. When I got pregnant ot was a time where neither of us had other partners. We thought it was a good time to have kids.
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  #12  
Old 02-08-2012, 10:41 PM
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Originally Posted by Red0824 View Post
This one, I feel like I'm in the right, asking him to be home every night, at least until the baby is born. I tell him I feel vulnerable in this stage, if she comes tonight, I would have to wait till he answers and gets home, or drive myself there. However, this child is so cozy, the chance of that happening is like 50 50 Lol. But like I said, he is struggling to make both parties happy, this is the second girl we have been through during this pregnancy, the other made the choice herself. This one seems to think she can be ok as long as I am.
I would ask him to take a break for longer than that - at least for the child's first year. You will need him after the baby is born. Haven't you ever known anyone who had a baby? Many couples invite a relative to stay with them for a while because it is so much work, even when two parents share it all. I would be worrying more about how he will share in the parenting than how his gf can handle it. You are bringing a new little life into the world - he needs to participate! Has he taken any parenting courses or workshops or done any kind of preparation? Someone needs to drive home for him how time- and energy-consuming a responsibility it is to have a baby and raise a child. Not to mention sleep deprivation.

If she cares for him, she'll wait. Is he so obsessed with "being poly" and developing additional relationships that he ignores the relationship he already has with you? Maybe if he were more considerate and included you more, romanced you and took you on hot dates as much as he takes anyone else, you wouldn't have such a hard time with his dating and would be more accepting of it. Maybe you can invite him to join here and read this thread, and get some feedback for himself.
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  #13  
Old 02-08-2012, 11:06 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Originally Posted by Red0824 View Post
Thatgirlingray, how long did it take for your husband to be ok with you being poly? Is it still a struggle for him at times? Or have you two reached a wonderful medium?
Unfortunately my experience with this isn't going to be helpful, I don't think. We started our relationship with agreements about flirting and dancing with other people (we were in college, so frat parties and going out clubbing were the extent of our social lives after school and work anyway), and over the years (14!) as our relationship has grown and strengthened and new situations have occurred with different people we've handled them one by one and decided what we each wanted and were comfortable with. Gradually we reached a point about 8 years ago where my emotional connection to someone became significant and that was sort of the start of recognizing that I was poly. He's mono, but definitely poly-supportive. So we never really had a big or dramatic "opening up" of our relationship. We got there together, even though the concept doesn't apply to us both the same way.

Not everyone feels the same way as I do, but to me, by marrying my husband and agreeing to have children with him, my commitment is to him and our kids first, and then to others as possible. This doesn't mean I treat TGIB disrespectfully or as disposable, nor does MC expect to ALWAYS be my top priority, but it does mean that part of the way I show my love and respect to MC (and my appreciation for how much he works at our relationship too!) is by sticking as closely as possible to what he's comfortable with. Anyone I have a relationship with has to respect MC and my relationship with him as much as they respect me, so anyone who has tried to push me beyond those boundaries has gotten a swift send-off.

Maybe, instead of her "waiting" for him, they can "take a break"? She'll know he at least plans to pick back up with her again, but he won't have to worry about how she's doing (beyond average friendship) in the upcoming months, so he'll be less distracted and more able to focus on you and the baby.

ETA: I don't know if I can articulate the difference in my mind between "waiting" and "taking a break", but there's less...expectation, maybe? "Waiting", to me, is for a predetermined length of time, which I don't think is a good idea. "Taking a break" is less structured, more of a general "until this is workable and reasonable again".
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Last edited by ThatGirlInGray; 02-08-2012 at 11:11 PM.
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  #14  
Old 02-09-2012, 12:53 AM
Red0824 Red0824 is offline
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Hmmm, you're right, if she really likes him, then she wouldn't mind taking a break for a while, but to ask her to do that still seems wrong to me. Not to mention, he doesn't want to do that. I'm wondering if once we have the baby, he will realize the things he needs to focus on the most. This baby, by the way was not planned. We love her and have gotten over the freak out of being parents, but neither of us wanted a baby for a while. I can see where panic set in for him. We were finally in a place where we could be ourselves, we planned to socialize more, I even thought about opening myself up to other possibilities, then we found out we were pregnant. I had no opportunity to explore after that. And he has, for obvious reasons. He just went for it,as if nothing had changed. So denial, you may have come across something there, the fact that I held him back from it for 6 years, he finally gets to explore himself in his fullest capacity and then bam! Baby. Yea, major frustration on his part. I would love for him to read this thread and the whole site. Ill mention it. And thank you anyway thatgirlingrey, I'm glad you two where able to enter into poly without any big emotional blow outs. I envy you two, that's something special .
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  #15  
Old 02-09-2012, 01:29 AM
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Originally Posted by Red0824 View Post
This one, I feel like I'm in the right, asking him to be home every night, at least until the baby is born. I tell him I feel vulnerable in this stage, if she comes tonight, I would have to wait till he answers and gets home, or drive myself there. However, this child is so cozy, the chance of that happening is like 50 50 Lol.
You guys should be going out together as much as possible until this baby decides to get with the program and make an appearance. Sitting at home waiting, especially after the 40th week, is just stressful. Maybe you can offer a compromise: He takes you out 3 days, is at home ? days and will see her ? days, BUT he will ALWAYS be willing and able to answer the phone (or call back immediately), he won't be more than 15 min away and will be home at an agreed upon time.

He definitely needs to talk to other guys that have been through living with a newborn and a postpartum wife and FAST! Your hormones will still be out of whack even after the baby's born for a while, but it gets compounded with sleep deprivation.
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  #16  
Old 02-09-2012, 02:10 AM
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Red, you still sound like you are blaming yourself for... oh, I don't know, real life events? Like, you're the one to blame that he didn't get to "be poly" all these six years, "making him miserable" as you put it, and you're the one to blame when his girlfriends bolted, and now you're the one to blame for getting pregnant and fucking up his plans. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop that this instant.

You are married, he is your partner. If he wanted to act upon his poly desires sooner, he could have - it would have taken negotiation, baby steps, and consideration for your feelings, but you two would have dealt with it. Or he could have left the relationship altogether to go find a poly partner. He made the choice to stay and give you time.

It's not totally your "fault" that he waited and then finally acts out of impatience that has built up. He is pulling a number on you if he encourages you to think that he is miserable because of you.

If the girlfriends really wanted to stick by him no matter what and befriend you to ease your worries, they could have. They made their own choices to leave him. Sure, he can blame you for that, but they left him, not you, and maybe it was easier for them to say it was because of you rather than they just didn't want to continue with him. He could have made the situation more acceptable and workable for you by taking baby steps along the way and making sure you knew he would give you the same love and attention he would give to any of his other relationships.

And of course, it takes two to make a baby, so he can't blame you for that. If you both really didn't want to get pregnant, you BOTH would have made sure it didn't happen.

Where is his sense of responsibility in all this? It's like he decides he wants to run around and have fun but is overlooking the fact that he needs to keep investing in his relationship with you to make it strong enough to support a lifestyle that includes polyamory, while you think everything that doesn't go his way is because you've been difficult. How'd he manage to pull the wool over your eyes like that? Get your self-esteem on, girl. You both need to shake yourselves and wake up.
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Last edited by nycindie; 02-09-2012 at 02:16 AM.
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  #17  
Old 02-09-2012, 03:34 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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nycindie, I mostly agree with you about Red needing to not blame herself, but
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If you both really didn't want to get pregnant, you BOTH would have made sure it didn't happen.
Are you fucking kidding me?? First of all, it's not true. No birth control, even using multiple kinds at once, is 100%. Second of all, you DON'T say that to someone 41 weeks pregnant. You just don't. That's taking your NY bluntness and tactlessness too far.
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  #18  
Old 02-09-2012, 04:09 AM
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nycindie, I mostly agree with you about Red needing to not blame herself, but ... Are you fucking kidding me?? First of all, it's not true. No birth control, even using multiple kinds at once, is 100%. Second of all, you DON'T say that to someone 41 weeks pregnant. You just don't. That's taking your NY bluntness and tactlessness too far.
Hey, I think you are misunderstanding me! Looking at my sentence that you quoted, I see why. I know that no b/c is foolproof (um, hello, I've been around a while). What does 41 weeks got to do with it? I don't mind being called blunt, but tactless? Sheesh, we're all adults, right? Was I supposed to pussyfoot around the pregnant woman? All I meant was that the OP's hubs is responsible, too, and that if they both really didn't want to get pregnant, that I'm sure they BOTH would have made the effort to prevent it (correcting my previous statement of "made sure"). Of course, no non-surgical protection is guaranteed, but that's not the focus of my comment. My main point was that she shouldn't be feeling like she's fucked up his chance to be poly somehow by getting preggers, as if that is all her fault, and he shouldn't be complaining about it. He was there, he played a part, so it's not all on her. She got pregnant -- it happened. They are in this together, and made their choices, but I see lots of self-blaming going on and was mostly responding to this:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Red0824 View Post
he finally gets to explore himself in his fullest capacity and then bam! Baby. Yea, major frustration on his part.
Red0824, I'm sorry if I offended and I hope you understand what I was trying to express.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post against hierarchy in polyamory: http://solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-i...short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 02-09-2012 at 05:30 AM.
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  #19  
Old 02-09-2012, 04:20 AM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Originally Posted by Red0824 View Post
Hmmm, you're right, if she really likes him, then she wouldn't mind taking a break for a while, but to ask her to do that still seems wrong to me. Not to mention, he doesn't want to do that. I'm wondering if once we have the baby, he will realize the things he needs to focus on the most. This baby, by the way was not planned. We love her and have gotten over the freak out of being parents, but neither of us wanted a baby for a while. I can see where panic set in for him. We were finally in a place where we could be ourselves, we planned to socialize more, I even thought about opening myself up to other possibilities, then we found out we were pregnant. I had no opportunity to explore after that. And he has, for obvious reasons. He just went for it,as if nothing had changed. So denial, you may have come across something there, the fact that I held him back from it for 6 years, he finally gets to explore himself in his fullest capacity and then bam! Baby. Yea, major frustration on his part. I would love for him to read this thread and the whole site. Ill mention it. And thank you anyway thatgirlingrey, I'm glad you two where able to enter into poly without any big emotional blow outs. I envy you two, that's something special .
Well, the escapism he is using,... happens. Many 1st time parents have some issues coping and wrapping their brain around it. Some party, others buy a boat, or do other foolish things. In his case, he is Mr.Poly-Pants.
It`s much like cold feet before a wedding. A 'last chance' to do what he wants, how he wants, when he wants.

I think this will boil down to the fact you, can only control you. If I were in your shoes, I would NOT allow myself to be made the scapegoat anymore. Stop taking the blame for things in the past,..just work on your responses for the future.
When talking to him about your worries, It might be beneficial, to NOT make this about poly. You might want to talk about pregnancy and parenthood fears. Read books, watch shows....things that discuss the fears, and worries of parenthood. Programs that focus on soon-to-be parents having problems and panicking.
This way, he can draw his own conclusions about such things. Hopefully, if he has respect for you, himself, or others in his life, he will see he is not the only person to have such problems.
This may not 'end' or even stall his relationship with her,..but at the VERY least, if he has any intention of maning-up, he will get more serious about putting his all, into everyone equally, baby included.

Then you don't have to be the bad guy asking him to come home every night. He will finally accept his responsibility, and think of these things,..at least some of the time. (Things are a work in progress after all. )

For the record, this isn`t about molding him, or making him what you want,..this is about the baby, and setting precedence as parents, for the child's future.
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  #20  
Old 02-09-2012, 04:23 AM
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What you need right now is a lot of communication, STAT!!!!

Get your husband home, make him bring his lady as well. The three of you need to sit and come up with some sort of peace before the baby drops. You need to put exactly what you need on the table, so does he and so does she.

Then, you need to start negotiating. I've never had a kid, likely never will. However, I've seen a bunch of friends go through the process. Methinks, and this is just me, that you don't want to be the only one getting up in the middle of the night to calm a screaming infant. You are going to need someone there for support. Maybe that's him, alone. And maybe that's her, too.

Good luck. Try not to go insane.
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