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  #41  
Old 02-06-2012, 08:08 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Originally Posted by BaggagePatrol View Post
i was still, is this too dramatic a word?? TRAUMATIZED.
Nope, not dramatic at all.
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I say that maybe in theory I am, but in actuality it's just too weird for me.
Or maybe things weren't done in small enough steps to adequately process. Or maybe you haven't found the way poly works FOR YOU. Or... (you get my point that it's really hard to tell at this point if you're "poly" or not?)
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I did think about dating someone else, as mags gave me the advice to get some of my own nre. I put up an ad, and found this rad guy, really down to earth and kind, went on a date, and then was like wtf am i doing? We got on so great, he's sexy, stable, in an open marriage looking for exactly what i would be... if i wasn't in such a sh*tty place right now. starting something now would NOT BE SMRT! and I don't want to complicate everything even more when i have some stuff to figure out first.
GOOD FOR YOU! I'm sure that had it's own level of suckiness, having to pass on this potential connection, but it sounds like you're absolutely doing your best to be smart and mature through this journey.
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Yah, i think in some ways because i started this i feel like i should be all evolved, and have it figured out. like i should be navigating these shark-infested waters like a pro. INstead, i'm choking on saltwater and wondering why the hell my liferaft isn't working.
I get this. I'm the one being shared, I should have it easy, right? And yet, more often than not I'M the one with jealousy issues. The boys both handle it WAY better than I do sometimes, and this V I'm in started over 2 years ago!! So try not to be so hard on yourself. No one EVER has everything figured out, and the process to get even a small portion figured out can take months to years!

Quote:
i think that's why I've been kind of trying to force myself to be okay with them vee-ing off, but really, it's not what i want.
Yeah, you won't be happy forcing yourself to go along with something you don't want. It's one thing to push yourself to get over feelings of discomfort or anxiety that are more a result of personal issues than the actions of the people involved, but another to flat out do something you DON'T want to do just for someone else.

(Sorry for the two long posts in a row, but I had to address things separately for the sake of my own thought processes!)
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  #42  
Old 02-06-2012, 08:55 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Originally Posted by BaggagePatrol View Post
i can tell from his face that something is wrong, and I touch him, asking what's up. Our GF has msged us and broken up with us. I digest, and he's already getting set to leave the house, going to be late for work. i *am* late for work, because I'm reading her msg on fb where i find out that she's been reading this forum, and is totally upset from my post last night and is done.

... Worst? She says she thinks I'm not poly, and that she's some kind of f'in experiment. WHAT? WHATTT????? F*CK! So heartbroken and gutkicked right now. Wrote her back, from my heart, trying so hard to stay sane. Doubt there's any chance for reconciliation now.
My first thought was what adult breaks up with someone via Facebook message?

My second was if she was that upset about your postings, then why not talk about it with you and your husband? Yes, that's a hard conversation but that's what grown up people do.

Third, setting aside your relationship with her, if she bails on your hubby, with whom she is deep into NRE, over anonymous personal musings on the intertubes, what would have happened when shit got really difficult? You know - health problems, job loss, death in the family - the hard stuff.

Finally, except for making hubby's dick happy, why would you want to reconcile?
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  #43  
Old 02-06-2012, 09:53 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default Good talks with my sis

Thanks for everyone's responses. This day is kicking my a*s emotionally, i'm pretty much a wreck.

ThatGirl: Thanks for your list of hey you, listen ups, very helpful for me. Except number 2...she has been really awesome about trying to respect boundaries, so careful, really receptive - only major transgression was nekkid event, and i'm not even very blame-y about that one (trying to focus on my own response instead of writing it off in their actions, have been since the very day it happened). 4 is a little off too, because i feel like up until she read my posting she was willing to do the work/talk it out/etc.. i think that my saying i wouldn't date her indepedently and was too pissed to even really be friends right now (hence needing a total break to get clear) was too much - especially since in independent communication i have been continually expressing a desire to work things out. I think i've pushed way past her comfort zone with my upset and need to process everything. Cuz i have been WAY emotional, and WAY overprocessy (it's my go to when i'm feeling emotionally messed, and that is a big issue for me) It's part of the reason i went on a break from communication, and turned to this board - so that i could process HERE, and get clear before going back to her/him. That went well! Sheeeeesh.

I truly appreciate your compassion, and for you validating that i have a right to my experience and feelings - thank you for that. I don't feel like my work has been wasted - whether things work out with her or not, i need to sort through this stuff both personally, and in my primary relationship if we're gunna keep being poly. (which currently he is saying he doesn't want, as this has sucked so hard - awesome! I'm feeling great about that!)

opal: i think she was hurt, upset, angry and lashin' out. i think she's tired of trying to talk to me about her feelings cuz she doesn't feel like i hear her. she doesn't want to bail on my hubby, and i'm trying to figure out if i can be cool witht he two of them seeing each other without me. i guess until this afternoon i really DID think that we could reconcile after i sorted out my sh*t. Now starting to realize how wrong I am about that.

I don't even know why i'm still writing on here, given that i'm totally outed to both of the people that I was seeking space from - to just have a place to confide/get advice from people who might be able to give me wisdom/experience to help me get through this, but i guess i just can't enjoy that independent experienc eon my own, and what's more, my basically private musings are now having decisions made on them. feel upset about that, but it's my own fault for not saying, "Hey, i'm posting on here, please don't read it." it's my own fault for not lining up public with private completely. i didn't know public would bECOME private. Shoot. Double shoot. I said to her "I never would have been so blunt if I thought your eyes would see my words. They were for me, not for you. For my heart, not for yours. For my healing, not for your destruction."

So, this is where i am at. Tumultuous, not easy, not fun, problematic, came home from work early because trying to do my job right now is just ridiculous.

I had an hour long conversation with my sister who's in NY. she has been poly for years, and knows what works for her through some (pretty intense) trial and error. She is under the same general impression that i have been for well over a month - either get some peace around letting the two of them see each other independently, or let it go altogether. to not let this experience define poly for me - that we had lousy boundaries, got way ahead of ourselves, had some trust stuff happen, and that ALL of that is pretty normal when starting out in poly and that i shouldn't allow one messed up experience to colour my entire viewpoint of being poly with my husband. That having major ish in a poly-fi triad might just mean that *gasp* a poly-fi triad might not be the right set up for us. That a less involved relationship might be better. That a vee might be better. That there are lots of ways to be poly, and that expecting any one way to work just sets everyone involved up fer failure. she told me to be gentle with myself, to allow myself the time to heal my hurt, to reconnect with hubs, to take space from gf (wait, exGF, whoah) and see if i can come back to a place of being friends with her. She said to see the dude i met as friends, and not get involved until i was clear, if at all. She said not to worry if my XGF can't handle my emotions - that i am my own person,a nd deserve to be loved and accepted just as i am, even if i have issues - that no one is perfect, and to stop beating myself up. My sis and i have had some pretty major differences over the past couple of years, so needless to say i was crying my face off while she was giving me all these props. Who knew something as awesome as reconnecting with my sister could come out of this??? silver linings indeed.

i hate my need to make everythin okay. even this morning in reply to her message, I'm trying to make things better. To speak of my love and respect for my XGF, that how i'm trying to heal things up so that i could come bakc to a relationship with her. And yes, now i am asking WHY as well? Why would i want to go back to her if i wouldn't want to date her on my own? never even really asked myself that question - ridiculous as that sounds. There is so much stuff to get clear on, to sort through, to get in touch with in this joruney, i never anticipated it.

never anticipated how loopy i would get - how far i would proejct into the future (won't be doing that again - I was even looking at freakin' real estate! NOT GOOD) Never anticipated how upset I'd get over something as minor as them snuggling in bed together even though i've watched them have sex dozens of times. Me spazzing out (crying nonstop) as a way of coping wasn't such a big surprise - done that before - and that's something to work on for me in the future (which i'm excited about, oddly) and neither was my anger, and i guess i'm not overly surprised that once that upset was triggered it was pretty hard to get out of it. don' know if that's normal or not, but it is for me.
didn't anticipate this lock in my chest that has kept me from moving forward - knew it wasn't working anymore, and that i needed to find a new way of being, but wow, this is intense and crazy! Didn't anticipate how seriously I would take things while two other people were casually having fun. Or how conflicted i could be between anger/love/upset/wanting to make things better. i never knew i could love someone, and need so much space from them at the same time. Never knew how much i would love/hate a triad.

feel like there's a bunch of concrete poured into my chest. hubby sent me thirteen txt messages today, and they're not very nice. Guess i had it coming.
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  #44  
Old 02-06-2012, 10:06 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Well you had a crazy night. I am sorry she was upset about what she read here, other people have found this forum and read posts and been very upset because they don't remember that it's anonymous and nobody here knows who they are. Sometimes after they've calmed down they realize that the poster didn't actually say anything bad about them, and are able to talk about it and not be so upset that you've posted about your personal stuff.

The truth is, I think in order for poly to work best, all that stuff you said here, you need to be able to say to the person you're dating and having the feelings about. I imagine its harder when there are more than one person involved, as you seemed to be trying clearly to act in a way you didn't feel to make the others in the triad happy. I am guessing next time you might be more vocal, and go slower. Don't let anybody tell you that you're not poly if you don't do things X way. I am glad to hear you have a sister who could also repeat a lot of the stuff people are saying on here.

I am glad you are still posting on here, cause I'll add too that if your husband gets pissed off at you don't blame yourself, and don't let yourself feel like you have done anything wrong. I would caution to you and your husband not to make any hasty decisions about how you want to proceed, or reactionary ones like OK GO DATE HER INDEPENDENTLY until you've had a bit of time to really slow down and process and think about what has happened, and what it means for the both of you, and what you want your future to look like.


edit: I'd ask your husband to stop text messaging you and deal with the subject in person at home. You don't have anything coming, and hopefully your husband stops basking in being hurt long enough to realize that and treat you with respect. He should put himself in the position if it had been HIM who didn't want to date somebody anymore, and think on if he 'd want to be obliged to do it when it was making him uncomfortable because he didn't know how to extricate himself from the situation.
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 02-06-2012 at 10:08 PM.
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  #45  
Old 02-07-2012, 03:23 AM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default Way better

OH wow. So good. Came home from work (i went back for the late afternoon, glad i did, my team needed me and we got everything done!) then went for tea with a GF who is super mono, but also really supportive and has lvoed me/known me fer over a decade. Came home with the intent to have really calm, centered and respectful communication, and guess what? IT HAPPENED.

My hubby's anger disappeared like dust in the wind as we talked and listened to each other. He stopped pointing fingers, and started self reflecting, I self reflected, we id'd the places the need werk in the future, and reaffirmed our love and commitment to each other. His hurt and anger were gone in about ten minutes, and instead, we had this fantastic, peaceful talk.

I don't know what's going to happen with the XGF. Find it funny that I brought home a book on fancy scotch for her (she loves scotch) today that i got for her on friday. like yeah, I"m a silly mess, and i screw up my life, but i still love her even though I'm totally confused and not sure what's going to happen. I'm blissfully unattached to any one kind of outcome fer all of this, and that's the first time i've felt that for weeks. Not assuming it's not going to work out, not assuming it's gunna work out, just staying clear inside of myself, dealing with own shizah and getting ready for a peaceful night at home.

Good reminders for me. Can't control others, can only control yourself. listening quietly, and reflectively makes for peace and happiness in a relationship. taking responsibility for your own role means you can actually do something about it, and the things that get you into your own messes.

yes - no knee jerk reactions, no fear based moves, no scrambling to try to keep her in, or shove her out of my life. Just space. Space ot think and grow, learn and unpack the sh*tshorm that got unleashed in the midst of all of this emotion, and head into a better future.

Hoping that I get to the root of all of it with my propsed life coach and counsellors!!!!
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  #46  
Old 02-07-2012, 05:56 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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So glad you had a calm loving conversation and feel more hopeful! Whew. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself with yoga and meditation and counselors.

I love the way you write, btw, it' so cute! I didnt want to say it when you were freaking out.

*smooch*
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  #47  
Old 02-07-2012, 04:24 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default Hugs

Hugs to you mags, you have been seriously instrumental in me getting my sh*t together and staying sane.
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  #48  
Old 02-07-2012, 07:25 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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That's OK, BP. and BTW, you can say shit and fuck here.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #49  
Old 02-07-2012, 07:58 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Originally Posted by BaggagePatrol View Post
Thanks for everyone's responses. This day is kicking my a*s emotionally, i'm pretty much a wreck.

4 is a little off too, because i feel like up until she read my posting she was willing to do the work/talk it out/etc.. i think that my saying i wouldn't date her indepedently and was too pissed to even really be friends right now (hence needing a total break to get clear) was too much - especially since in independent communication i have been continually expressing a desire to work things out. I think i've pushed way past her comfort zone with my upset and need to process everything. Cuz i have been WAY emotional, and WAY overprocessy (it's my go to when i'm feeling emotionally messed, and that is a big issue for me).

I so sympathize with the pain you are all experiencing.

I do want to make this observation in regard to the above. I am recovering from a disintegrated triad. I was with a married couple. And I can certainly understand how your ex-gf could feel blindsided given what you've written here versus what you were expressing to her. In my experience, I would have discussions with my gf and she would apparently tell me what I wanted to hear, and then go back and tell her husband something 180 degrees different. When he and I got to comparing notes, trying to figure out what was going on, let's just say I felt betrayed and lied to. I'm sure your ex-gf does too. And like you, my gf viewed her words to me as being protective of my feelings.

I asked her repeatedly to please tell me the truth because it was the ONLY way everything would work.

In our case the truth was she had changed her mind about wanting the triad. (Another 180 degree switch from encouragement to absolutely not.) Okay, yeah, that was majorly disappointing. That said, I would have liked to have known 6 months ago, instead of me continually stressing out, wracking my brain trying to find ways to solve her unhappiness when deep down she knew she was never going to be happy in that situation.

I realize no one was intentionally trying to hurt anyone else, just as you were not intentionally trying to hurt your ex-gf. But the fact remains that it's cruel to give someone the impression that things are okay, that there is hope, when that's not true. It's not a kindness.
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  #50  
Old 02-07-2012, 08:52 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by BaggagePatrol View Post
Hugs to you mags, you have been seriously instrumental in me getting my sh*t together and staying sane.
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
That's OK, BP. and BTW, you can say shit and fuck here.
Yes, shitpissfuckcuntcocksuckermotherfuckertits!!! We're quite the potty mouths here!
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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