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Old 02-07-2012, 01:19 PM
SittingPretty SittingPretty is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 3
Default Concerned I've messed things up

Hi all,

I've been poly for a while, but I am the first poly person that my partner B has been in a relationship with. After much discussion and communication he feels that poly is something he can identify with, and wants to try for himself.

He recently met someone through a mutual hobby, and we all sparked up a friendship. She would frequently bemoan the fact that she is single, so my partner asked her out for dinner. This hadn't yet been organised, but she had said yes.
On Friday we were out, and I was drunk (believe me, I am utterly hating myself right now). B had told me that this girl, H, was not sure that I was okay with the two of them dating, so I took her to one side and tried to reassure her that I was okay with things as long as she was nice to him. I don't remember exactly what I said.

Since Friday H has been very quiet with my partner. He has messaged her on FB about the dinner, and there has been no reply. Similarly texts aren't replied to.

My partner hasn't got great self confidence, and he swings between feeling like the reason she has been out of touch is the conversation I had with her, or because he is "fat and old and ugly" and thus the situation is all his fault.

I know that I was out of line for approaching this girl while I had been drinking. There is little excuse for that, and though my intentions were good I should have kept my nose out. I am fully aware of this. I have offered on a number of occasions to get in touch with H myself and try to apologise, but B refuses and either says that I have "done enough damage" or that "it wouldn't make a difference anyway".

I'm worried that if things don't happen with H, B will blame me and resent me, and that it will sour things for us. This is the first time that he has been interested in someone outside of the primary relationship.
Part of me also feels that perhaps H didn't like him that much in the first place, that maybe at 19 she isn't okay with poly, or mature enough to handle it (B is 38 and I'm 29). But I then worry that these are judgements I'm making in order to make myself feel better about the situation.

I also feel like maybe she is just busy.

In a nutshell, I am concerned that I have scared off a potential partner of my other half, and would appreciate any advice on what to do now. B and I are spending a lot of time talking, the old adage "communicate until it hurts, then communicate some more", but I am very worried that even with all this communication he will blame me if H choses not to get in touch again.

As a side note it should be perhaps mentioned that I have a secondary partner, a girl that I will refer to as E. I don't know if this is relevant but thought I ought to add it for completeness. I had been hoping that B finding someone would make E being in my life slightly easier for him to deal with.

Sorry if this is long and rambling and confused. I appreciate any insight or perspective anyone may be able to give on this.
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