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  #101  
Old 02-06-2012, 03:32 AM
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Originally Posted by beginninglove View Post
i'm not really sure why i continue to be compelled to post on this blog, as i feel like my story is sort of boring and old hat compared to some of the others on this forum.
You never know when someone else might be reading and thinking "Wow, I can relate to that... I'm not alone." We're such a small community, I think it's *always* helpful to share our stories.

I wish I had more useful advice right now, but I wanted to at least say that!
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  #102  
Old 02-06-2012, 11:46 PM
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Haha...you've had 5,656 views as of today....I think people are reading!!
Keep it up!!
oh! thanks for making a very good point!
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  #103  
Old 02-06-2012, 11:49 PM
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That feeling of being paralyzed is just your fears around asserting yourself. You deserve to ask for what you want - who will advocate for your needs, if not you?
yes, there is still so much self-judgment in me around feeling like i just need to try harder. stick it out even when i don't feel like it. but perhaps ultimately that is not fair to alex even when i'm thinking that i am doing this for US, for our relationship.
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  #104  
Old 02-06-2012, 11:56 PM
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I think it might be really wise to talk to K about all these feelings and questions you wonder about that you're reluctant to talk about because you want to keep it light and easy. I think that could really help place the NRE in perspective. I don't know if you have finally broached the subjects such as - is she poly, is she dating other people, etc yet, but I suggest you discuss those things.
I have broached those topics and discovered that K has not ever been in a poly relationship, and hasn't dated anyone for quite awhile because she's been prioritizing her sobriety for the past couple of years. So she's not dating anyone else either, and right now doesn't have the desire to.

This past weekend Alex asked me to set up a meeting with K, so the two of htem could talk and she could have a chance to get to know her a little bit. This is a first for us, so it will be interesting to see what happens and if/how the dynamics will shift.


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Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
Basically I just wanted to suggest that Alex is deserving to be happy too. If you aren't even interested in being happy with her, drawing this out isn't really fair to anybody. She has been difficult surely, but I do think that you presented her with a LOT - the situation with Sam, then wanting to go out with an acquaintance and playing with that couple you are friends with, then this AMAZING best ever relationship with K. (That getting pissed off when you came home from a date without showering...yes it IS reasonable that you be able to manage that boundary, I would've taken that as passive aggressive myself) Always possible she sensed that you were being less than honest about your feelings and that made some of her behavior even worse because she was so afraid.

Oh look I got lost in my summary again...where was I...do what will be kindest for both of you. Be honest with her about where you stand.
Thanks for this. I must admit it is not always easy to hear but deep down I know somehow this is not fair to Alex. She is trying really hard, and even though this is hard for me too in terms of sitting with her extreme emotionality, I know it is my responsibility to be honest about my feelings no matter how hard it is to say or how guilty I feel. We are both working really hard to keep this relationship together, but I'm not sure its for the right reasons.
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  #105  
Old 02-07-2012, 12:25 AM
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This past weekend Alex asked me to set up a meeting with K, so the two of htem could talk and she could have a chance to get to know her a little bit. This is a first for us, so it will be interesting to see what happens and if/how the dynamics will shift.
If K. wants to. She might not, and she doesn't have to. How do you think Alex will react of K. doesn't want to meet her?
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  #106  
Old 02-07-2012, 07:31 PM
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If K. wants to. She might not, and she doesn't have to. How do you think Alex will react of K. doesn't want to meet her?
Fortunately K did agree to it and even though she is nervous, she thinks its a good idea. I think Alex would have had a hard time with it if K did not want to meet her. I think Alex would have assumed it meant that K has some sort of animosity toward her or a lack of respect for our relationship. They are meeting up for coffee this afternoon, and I am so curious to hear how it will go. I am sure it will go quite well, as they are both respectful, nice people who are approaching this situation with good intentions and simply a desire to humanize each other. Neither one of them has the intention of becoming best friends or anything, but a friend of ours advised Alex not to rule friendship with K out completely. I am glad they are meeting, as it somehow feels like letting out some tension in the air or something. I am still struggling to just take my own feelings day by day, still questioning whether staying with Alex is the right thing, but I guess when I am ready to leave I will do it, if that is indeed my path. My feelings for K are as intense as ever, so I'm trying to keep the NRE in perspective and take breaks from her even when it is really hard to do so.
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  #107  
Old 02-07-2012, 08:56 PM
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Fortunately K did agree to it ... They are meeting up for coffee this afternoon, and I am so curious to hear how it will go.
So, you're not going along? I hope things go very well with them. Do come back and give an update afterward. I am rooting for you, and I know others are, too!
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  #108  
Old 02-07-2012, 09:53 PM
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So, you're not going along? I hope things go very well with them. Do come back and give an update afterward. I am rooting for you, and I know others are, too!
Nope, not going along. I feel pretty confident that things will go well, although I feel anxious just thinking about it so I can't imagine how they must be feeling. Alex took half of an anti-anxiety pill and K texted me to say she was feeling nervous, so at least they are both in it together!

I think the hardest thing for me would be if either one of them came away with negative judgments about the other and then felt compelled to share those with me.
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  #109  
Old 02-07-2012, 09:54 PM
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Oh, and thanks so much for your support!!
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  #110  
Old 02-07-2012, 11:30 PM
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so i heard from Alex that her coffee meet-up with K went really well. sounds like they just chatted about random things they happen to have in common and spent time getting a sense of each other. they are both sweet, amazing people so i knew it wasn't going to be a problem. just something new and different for us. Alex took an anti-anxiety pill so she was feeling very chill and K talks a lot when she is nervous, so it sounds like K probably did most of the talking. Alex said she got a really good feeling from K, good energy and such. Its nice to have her see that for herself and to have my fears about her finding something critical to say not come to fruition. So I am very happy with this new development!
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boundaries, co-dependence, co-dependency, compromise, coupledom, dependancy, nre, separation anxiety

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