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  #361  
Old 02-03-2012, 09:19 AM
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Hey there, have to second rory, good to hear from you

I noticed that I am not that often here as well and not as excessively reading as before, just checking in with the stories I found interesting lately. Due to work and enough going on with life fortunately.

I think it was a great choice to send that mail. Even if you could stop yourself in conversations and feel more in control of the situation, those are basics that are important to you. I would have felt really burdened if a person I love wouldn't be able to recognize just how much I was committing to her and considering her in my life already. Just like you talked about your needs and boundaries with Davis, I think that it will be beneficial for you (for your peace of mind at least) to know what are the terms of your relationship with Gia and what her take on the matter is.

Even if it feels a bit risky right now, to put yourself out for display this much, it shows the importance and depth your relationship with Gia has reached, you want her to see the real 'you' and I think it is absolutely valuable that you strive to correct some misconceptions she may have. I guess this will help to initiate a great discussion that will bring you two even closer, I can't imagine that she isn't interested in what you have to say or take it as too heavy or overwhelming. (But I am always all in for open communication, I talk about what is on my mind all day, if your dynamic has been more reserved it could be a little shift to that, but even so, it will be OK )

Lastly, the new person in her life. I think you should speak up. Not making demands, I HATE them, I always feel so pressured when someone displays even the slightest need in that direction and shut down really fast, but to tell her that it bothers you, that you miss her and you would like to have what she is planning to establish with this man for yourself again as well. Of course, there is an indirect demand there nevertheless, but this is valid, you are in a relationship with her and it is only natural to miss each other after such a long time.

From what I read here, you always look out to not put her under pressure, bearing the difficult situation with the baby and the latest phase she went through in mind. But, could it be possible that she sees you as more distant and less committed because she misinterprets your reserved behaviour? That she is maybe aware that you are doing this for her sake, but is at the same time confused that you are seemingly satisfied with what you have right now? That would be what may have been on my mind in her situation. "Oh, she is so nice to consider my situation, but ... why doesn't it seem as if she is troubled more by the distance? Maybe it's what she feels comfortable with as well." Something along those lines. Just a thought that came up.
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  #362  
Old 02-03-2012, 10:28 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Well, that particular crisis got resolved nice and quickly.

Gia responded this afternoon. She said she hadn't necessarily meant her comment in the way I interpreted it, and explained. So, that helped right off the bat. She also gave me a lot of good thoughts and advice about me and Davis and depression generally.

She went on to say that she had been "mostly aware" of my commitment to her and was sad she couldn't respond with the "fervor" she felt it deserved, but that she knows herself well enough to know that she's not there emotionally yet and that she still has trust issues to get past, not because of anything I've done but because that's just how she is. It took her a long time to get to where she is with Eric. Like, a loooong time. Which I knew. It's just funny, I feel like she's let me into her life so far that it's surprising to remember that there are still barriers.

She also said that in a way she feels "regret" that she already has a primary and thus has limited resources for furthering other interpersonal connections, which I get. But of course she can't change that, neither of us would want her to, and she's living her life to the fullest she can. She said that she has never charged our relationship with the duty to last forever, just to last as long as is sensible, and that she feels like that makes her commitment "less serious" than mine but that she fully appreciates my commitment even when she can't repay or reciprocate it in all the same ways.

In my response I told her that essentially I feel the same way about how long our relationship ought to last, though of course a lot hinges on the meaning of the word "sensible"!

Most importantly, to me, I told her how meaningful it was to me to feel safe enough to share what's going on with me without feeling like the reaction is going to be along the lines of "nod and smile and back away slowly from the crazy lady...". To know that even if we're not in the exact same place we can talk about it and it's ok.

All of it was overdue for us to discuss, I think. I'm so glad I didn't hold it back.

I also told her about wondering whether I'll be resentful if she hooks up with Zed, so there's another weight off my chest. She said she'd get back to me with more of a response on that soon.

She also mentioned that Liza, who's been sitting for them twice a week, is having some personal issues and they may need to take me up on my offer to take time off work here and there to be with Bee after all. I don't wish Liza any troubles, but I do have to admit I'm excited. I feel like the kid who's been practicing her heart out and sitting on the sidelines and now the coach is gesturing at me and saying "Ok, get in there!" About time.
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  #363  
Old 02-06-2012, 03:58 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU GUYS!

I have a date with Gia!!!

Just the two of us, at my house, in three days!

And the craziest thing is, I don't even have to deal with the nagging thought of "Well, she only scheduled this with me after I said I'd be hurt if she had a date with Zed first, I hope she's not doing this out of a sense of obligation..."

Let me explain.

I've known about her liking Zed for a long time, but it was only as of Tuesday night that I found out she'd hit on him seriously. While we were talking then, I half-jokingly suggested an indirect approach, "Like, y'know, ask him if you can come over to... play video games. " A little later in the conversation I said "You should really come by my place some time. We could... play video games. " She looked serious and said she'd email me about it.

The next day, chatting online, we discussed dates that she, Eric, and Bee could come to my place for dinner. Later that day, she emailed me inquiring as to whether I was free Wednesday. I assumed she was trying to reschedule the dinner and said sure. Nope, turns out she was following up on our conversation from the night before and trying to schedule a date. So I had "Dinner with G&E&B" written in my calendar and she had "Date with A" written in hers.

I stopped by this afternoon, and in the course of conversation the miscommunication was revealed. It was kind of embarrassing, it makes sense why I was confused, but at the same time she DID say she would email me about a date and I took it as a mark of my own insecurity that it didn't even cross my mind that she was following through. When I said that I felt silly for misunderstanding she said "Well, I *have* been putting you off for a year! You'd be completely within your rights to think it was never going to happen at this point."

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

I sometimes play my Pandora.com radio station while I'm in the shower. I did that just now and was singing along and dancing the whole time. So excited! And nervous! Thinking things like "Thank god my room is tidy so I don't have to worry about that, what am I going to wear, where can I take her out for dinner to impress her without going overboard, I need new batteries for the vibrator, oh shit oh shit this is happening!!!!"
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  #364  
Old 02-06-2012, 04:55 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
You've been so careful about not saying that too much. I don't think you need to walk on eggshells around her forever.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Phy View Post
From what I read here, you always look out to not put her under pressure, bearing the difficult situation with the baby and the latest phase she went through in mind. But, could it be possible that she sees you as more distant and less committed because she misinterprets your reserved behaviour?
Thanks for all of your thoughts, guys. I pulled these two bits out because it's really true -- I've spent the last 16-ish months trying to be as careful and respectful as possible, maybe even taking it too far and stifling myself, maybe sending mixed signals. I'm kind of glad for the recent miscommunications... me thinking Gia was saying I wasn't interested in commitment led me to explain in depth my views on the matter and get hers in return, me not realizing she'd already tried to make a date with me led me to explain my vulnerability about not being considered before a potential new interest. It felt good to get those things out, and it shouldn't take misunderstandings to prompt me to speak my mind.

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Originally Posted by Phy View Post
Hey there, have to second rory, good to hear from you
Aw, yay!

What's looping through my mind right now: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qNS-mbJoqmE
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  #365  
Old 02-06-2012, 07:48 AM
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Hmpf! Can't access the video, German Youtube regulations say "Bad content!". (But I googled the lyrics)

Go and have fun *cheers* It's about time that patience pays off.
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Last edited by Phy; 02-06-2012 at 09:27 AM.
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  #366  
Old 02-06-2012, 09:20 AM
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rory rory is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have a date with Gia!!!

Just the two of us, at my house, in three days!
Oh excellent!!

I'm almost as happy for you that I am about seeing Mya tomorrow. Or maybe more. I've just waited a month, after all.
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  #367  
Old 02-06-2012, 04:33 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Phy View Post
Hmpf! Can't access the video, German Youtube regulations say "Bad content!". (But I googled the lyrics)
In the video, interspersed with live concert footage and images of a young man and a young woman each getting ready for a date, are shots of several young punk guys hanging out on the street, walking up to random cars, chatting with the drivers through the windows and sometimes getting in. They're pretty clearly meant to be male prostitutes, so perhaps that's what the regulators have a problem with. I'm not positive what the intention was, but my interpretation is that the prospect of having a date makes these not-stereotypically-hot-looking guys feel so desirable that they imagine they could make a living off their bodies if they wanted. Probably totally off base.

The lyrics themselves are pretty silly and juvenile, but I like the over the top exuberance of the song, it captures the feeling for me.

Also, just wanted to say, it's so cool to have enthusiastic supporters of my love life in other countries! Ha! Not a situation I'd previously imagined, but it's funny to think that as we're heading to the bedroom (fingers crossed!) I could tell Gia "the international community is waiting to know whether or not we get it on, let's not disappoint them!"
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  #368  
Old 02-06-2012, 04:40 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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Go get her!

I remember how excited I was for my first alone date with Wendigo after 5 months last year. I can't imagine having to wait any longer than that. . . . 5 months was tough for us.
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  #369  
Old 02-06-2012, 06:10 PM
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Also, just wanted to say, it's so cool to have enthusiastic supporters of my love life in other countries! Ha! Not a situation I'd previously imagined, but it's funny to think that as we're heading to the bedroom (fingers crossed!) I could tell Gia "the international community is waiting to know whether or not we get it on, let's not disappoint them!"
Sward and I had to laugh after reading this Let it rock, 'part of the international community of Germany' is rooting for you
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  #370  
Old 02-06-2012, 08:57 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Also, just wanted to say, it's so cool to have enthusiastic supporters of my love life in other countries! Ha! Not a situation I'd previously imagined, but it's funny to think that as we're heading to the bedroom (fingers crossed!) I could tell Gia "the international community is waiting to know whether or not we get it on, let's not disappoint them!"
And more local types too! But no pressure or anything
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