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  #41  
Old 11-14-2009, 04:07 AM
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Originally Posted by sunnydee View Post
I'm new to both dating and to being poly and I've been struggling with the "when to tell" thing. There's been kind of a steep learning curve, to tell the truth. I do think it's different for me as a woman, but, Beatbox, if at possible, you will find it considerably easier to start by dating a polygirl rather than approaching someone who will very likely not be cool with you being married.

Several times recently, I've dated mono men and I found them particularly difficult because they really didn't want to hear that I'm dating others, they sort of dismissively said yes, they were fine with me dating others or whatever, then, very quickly, changed their minds. It got stressful so I've taken a break from them for a while.

I think, though, that if you didn't tell a mono woman up front, she'd be pretty p*ssed if you're married. Single and dating others, you could probably get away with til the second date. But most mono women want relationships and they don't want to waste time with someone who really isn't available to them. Polygirl, Beatbox, give it a try. OKCupid can be a nice place to find polyfolk.
Thank you Sunnydee for the advise. I did sign up to OKcupid, and with some persistence perhaps something might come of it.
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  #42  
Old 11-18-2009, 12:57 PM
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Hey everyone,

I just thought I'd share a response I got from a woman on OKCupid that you might find interesting.

ME:
Yes, I'm married. I'm upfront about it, and she knows that I come here to meet people. And 'weird' though it may be to some, my wife and I are okay with sharing each other. I love her very much and I can let her go, and she can do the same for me. A consensual agreement.

I read your profile and you are not into married men, and I totally understand that. Cheating married men are devious, lying, hypocritical, assholes who just want to get theirs and save their own ass when the shit hits the fan.

I, however, am not a cheater, and never have been. I am a dedicated, loving, and generous person who doesn't need to lie, or deceive you or my wife. I am open about who I am and the things I need in a relationship. I was told this site was open minded about this kind of thing, but perhaps, like in my own case, it takes some getting used to.

I appreciate you writing back at least. If you wanna be friends, that's cool, if not, best of luck to you and I hope you find what makes you happy.

HER:I'm an open minded person...but I will never, ever understand swingers- in my opinion it's trashy and really the only people who could be ok with sharing someone they were head-over-heels in love with are damaged people in general...or they aren't actually in love. Again, my opinion- so friendship wouldn't be a good idea. Best of luck! Adult Friend Finder would probably be a better place for you and your wife.


I take issue with the underlined. It implies much about me and my wife that she can't possibly know. I am head over heels in love with my wife. Does she drive me frickin crazy? yes....Does she have her issues? Of course. But that's what makes her my wife, and I chose her for god damn good reason.

Still, though you gotta laugh

Sorry I cussed......I'm gonaa go towel down now....
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  #43  
Old 11-18-2009, 01:29 PM
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HER:I'm an open minded person...but I will never, ever understand swingers- in my opinion it's trashy and really the only people who could be ok with sharing someone they were head-over-heels in love with are damaged people in general...or they aren't actually in love. Again, my opinion- so friendship wouldn't be a good idea. Best of luck! Adult Friend Finder would probably be a better place for you and your wife.

Ooh! that was rude. And obviously she doesnt understand the diff between swingers and poly ppl.
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  #44  
Old 11-18-2009, 03:30 PM
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Just so you know, It took me a very long time, a lot of dates and many returned messages like that one to find what worked for my husband and my lives. I had just about given up when I met Mono...

Stay strong and let crap like that flow off your back. You could however point out to this woman that she is obviously not in the know about Poly and that OKC is where most of us search for others. AFF is for swingers and that is why you aren't there, because you aren't a swinger. Perhaps she will be interested enough to carry on a conversation... perhaps not. But I reckon a little educating doesn't hurt and only makes Poly more acceptable.
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  #45  
Old 11-18-2009, 04:30 PM
sunnydee sunnydee is offline
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Well, Beat, I did tell you mono women will generally not appreciate being approached by a married man. If you search for poly in the keywords, you might be a lot happier with the results.

To be fair, she may have spoken a little rudely, but that's the internet for you. Oth, there's no reason, really, that she should understand there's a "difference" between swingers and poly. Most people aren't going to know anything about this and even swingers and polys still debate it.
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  #46  
Old 11-18-2009, 05:47 PM
RavenSophi RavenSophi is offline
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Originally Posted by sunnydee View Post
Oth, there's no reason, really, that she should understand there's a "difference" between swingers and poly. Most people aren't going to know anything about this and even swingers and polys still debate it.
I think it would be nice of Beat to send a reply explaining the difference, of course she doesn't deserve any further communication after a response like that, but still.
Personally I think we should do what we can to 'educate' people if not for their good but for our own. I for one don't like to be associated with swinging because I'm poly. It's two totally different things in my book and I for the life of me can't see why swingers and poly people would debate if there actually is a difference.

Swinging is about the sex, poly is about building a meaningful relationship which involve sex yes, but that's not the main focus. IMO.
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  #47  
Old 11-18-2009, 11:28 PM
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Originally Posted by sunnydee View Post
Well, Beat, I did tell you mono women will generally not appreciate being approached by a married man. If you search for poly in the keywords, you might be a lot happier with the results.

To be fair, she may have spoken a little rudely, but that's the internet for you. Oth, there's no reason, really, that she should understand there's a "difference" between swingers and poly. Most people aren't going to know anything about this and even swingers and polys still debate it.
I certainly was not trying to point a finger at you about this response. In fact, I did look up Poly people, but they seem to be few and far away from me. I am still looking though.

This was something that occurred because I had rated her high, and she rated me high, she instantly received an email (A way for OKCupid to bring people together but not FROM me). So she did have an interest, although one based on pictures rather than the content of the profile. She then read the profile and was disappointed, or just grossed out, or whatever and that's how it began.

As far as taking time to explain to her the difference between swinging and poly, I have neither the time or inclination to continue the conversation. She obviously would rather place me in some icky-man catagory than listen to what I say about it.

Ahh well, via con queso.
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  #48  
Old 11-18-2009, 11:51 PM
sunnydee sunnydee is offline
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Originally Posted by beatbox151 View Post
I certainly was not trying to point a finger at you about this response. In fact, I did look up Poly people, but they seem to be few and far away from me. I am still looking though.

As far as taking time to explain to her the difference between swinging and poly, I have neither the time or inclination to continue the conversation. She obviously would rather place me in some icky-man catagory than listen to what I say about it.

Ahh well, via con queso.
Goodness, I know that. I don't take things that personally.

I agree. When someone isn't open to listening, why bother? You have no reason to try to convince anyone. And, well, people do debate it, quite hotly. There was just a very long and emotional debate on one of the groups I subscribe to. I don't care to debate it, but there are those that do.

Last edited by sunnydee; 11-18-2009 at 11:53 PM.
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  #49  
Old 11-18-2009, 11:53 PM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Just so you know, It took me a very long time, a lot of dates and many returned messages like that one to find what worked for my husband and my lives. I had just about given up when I met Mono...

Stay strong and let crap like that flow off your back. You could however point out to this woman that she is obviously not in the know about Poly and that OKC is where most of us search for others. AFF is for swingers and that is why you aren't there, because you aren't a swinger. Perhaps she will be interested enough to carry on a conversation... perhaps not. But I reckon a little educating doesn't hurt and only makes Poly more acceptable.
My wife and I laughed about it afterward so I'm not bothered by it. I'm certainly not worried about what she thinks of me.

But going off topic:
Being poly has totally changed my outlook on marriage. I see this as an evolution in thought and I don't think I could, or would go back. Eliminating jealousy, deep trust, honesty, communication...these are the things I need in a relationship and it seemed to me before that all of it was lacking.

Now its not back all the way yet, but it has made remarkable improvement in a short period of time. And it all came from a mutual wanting to stay together. So much so that we are able to let each other go, if that makes sense.

I am not perfect, and I am not always going to see eye to eye with my wife. So she has someone who can fill in the gaps. I want her to be happy.

On the other hand she wants the same for me. She has been very supportive of me finding someone and I have found that I can talk to her about it....I love that I can do that now.....

The other night we were at an Italian Restaurant near my house and we were being served by the waitress. And she was beautiful. Red hair, nice smile, great body, and I told my wife that I liked her. Well the meal went on and I tried to talk to her at the table, except I kinda got nervous and stuttered a bit. My wife laughed and thought it was cute.

Well, I didn't say anything else, cuz I was kind of embarrassed, but I just love that we can talk like that to each other now...I felt really good for the rest of the night just because of that.
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  #50  
Old 11-19-2009, 01:12 PM
RavenSophi RavenSophi is offline
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Originally Posted by beatbox151 View Post
The other night we were at an Italian Restaurant near my house and we were being served by the waitress. And she was beautiful. Red hair, nice smile, great body, and I told my wife that I liked her. Well the meal went on and I tried to talk to her at the table, except I kinda got nervous and stuttered a bit. My wife laughed and thought it was cute.
The thing I enjoyed most in the beginning was the openness; walking down the street and my partner spotting a nice looking girl and telling me that he found her atractive.
I'm bi so we can look at women together. I know his taste so well by now that if I see a woman he would like I tell him to look.
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