Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 02-05-2012, 04:03 AM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 822
Default

Please don't be so ...nice...

Your days are Thursdays? Then if she schedules stuff on your date night, she should be going to things by herself. He really needs to be putting his foot down and saying he has plans. One things that's a dealbreaker in my book is a partner breaking plans for reasons that aren't good. As she knows when his date nights with others are, she needs to be scheduling around that if she wants him along (really, I don't understand why, unless they are primary partners, that he would be going to her medical appointments?)

He doesn't sound like he has very good boundaries. If he hasn't already bought her ticket, I think I would ask him to not take her, and schedule a cruise with her a different time, as she seems to possibly be trying to interfere with your and his relationship. I'd probably ask him to stop talking about his relationship with her, cause nobody wants to hear somebody whine about how they feel sorry for somebody they are dating and want to dump them but wont cause...blah, really I think to be juggling that many relationships well you have to have a spine.

Really, if she goes on the cruise and DOESN'T cause drama, you could knock me over with a feather.
__________________
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.

Last edited by Anneintherain; 02-05-2012 at 04:13 AM. Reason: my words are failing me!
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 02-05-2012, 04:11 AM
dolphindream dolphindream is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 21
Default

I have debated on whether or not to cancel her ticket. I was the one who had to book them. I am glad to get all of the feedback. I thought I was being oversensitive about her behavior. i called him on it and he said it would never happen again. i was pretty pissed off. I am not always nice and he has been fairly warned of what could happen if she acts up. No, she is not the primary. I was not the primary but according to some of the others, I seem to have taken the postion. The ones who have been with hin the longest are unhappy to say the least. He and I are very good together and so at home with each other. In the relatively short time we have been together, he has already mentioned me meeting his kids and family and we discussed marriage. he is very good to me for the most part just sometimes oblivious to feelings in general as if he doesn't understand why it hurts my feelings. I may have a chat with him about cancelling the ticket for the cruise. I think I have been nice enough!
__________________


Trying to play well with others, lots of others!!!
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 02-05-2012, 04:48 AM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 822
Default

OK, I feel a bit mean cause of course I'd go to Doctor's appointments with friends and whatnot, but still, I wouldn't cancel plans with a partner on the ONLY day of the week they were free when it was known to everybody that it was our date night unless it was really important.

I am a bit concerned that (maybe more than a bit) about what you say about some of his other partners being unhappy. Have you heard this from them? Are you communicating with them? If you're hearing it from him, do his other partners say it's fine that he's discussing their private feelings with you? It also is possible he is handling his NRE with you so badly that he's not treating them as well as he has in the past, and that's why they aren't happy. I personally feel him talking to you about wanting to break up with the one woman is a red flag. How would you feel if you found out he was talking to his other partners about you like that some day?

Do you KNOW any of his other partners? I think that it is great you and he are happy together and all, but it seems that if you are discussing marriage when you haven't met his children or the other important people in his life, just may mean you two are living in a giddy cloud of NRE and not being realistic. (Maybe you have met them, but from your limited time you have free it seems like probably not - I've heard often that meeting metamours helps bad feelings from forming, when you've met this other person and know that they are nice and kind and not a threat).

I think since the tickets have been purchased, maybe you need to go ahead and go through with it. You DID ok the idea after all. Maybe seeing the realism of his life, and how he handles and juggles his partners, time and actions would give you a better idea what to expect if you end up building a life together.
__________________
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 02-05-2012, 04:56 AM
dolphindream dolphindream is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 21
Default

Well, here goes. He now wants to bring another one on the cruise. I am really hurt by this. It completely nullifies anything that was supposed to happen in the beginning.

yes I communicate with one other whom he has gotten kind of mean about. She has been with him for over 3 yrs and is very unhappy. The NRE thing, is over. Hell, at this rate, the whole relationship may come apart quickly. His primary is very unhappy and so is the one I talk to. Its sad. I am sure at one time these women were very important to him. I wonder if it will happen to me and yes, i do wonder if he talks about me in a derogatory manner to the others. I know he doesn't to the one I talk to, he may to the others.


signed,
pretty fed up!
__________________


Trying to play well with others, lots of others!!!
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 02-05-2012, 05:30 AM
idealist's Avatar
idealist idealist is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 542
Default

At least you seem to be more in reality now! There are tons of red flags here!
__________________
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 02-05-2012, 05:38 AM
dolphindream dolphindream is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 21
Default

Yes, dear......the red flags have been a wavin!!! I just love the man so much that I don't want to leave. I think it is just a matter of how much shit I will take before I do. Its not a matter of "if" but "when". I deserve a really goos guy.....someone who respects my feelings as much as I do theirs.

thanks to everyone!!
__________________


Trying to play well with others, lots of others!!!
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 02-05-2012, 06:28 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,130
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I personally feel him talking to you about wanting to break up with the one woman is a red flag.
"Yeah baby, we can be together, just as soon as I leave my wife."

Poly or not, he sounds like one of "those" guys.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dolphindream View Post
Well, here goes. He now wants to bring another one on the cruise. I am really hurt by this. It completely nullifies anything that was supposed to happen in the beginning.
Yeah. Hon? He's a capital Player. The way he treats the other women is 100% the way he will eventually treat you, and is already starting to. You're not a shiny new toy anymore.

I say: He wants to bring another woman on the cruise? Let her have your ticket, tell him you're done with this bullshit, and you spend Valentines with people who really care about you.
__________________
Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 02-05-2012, 06:30 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,130
Default

I'm just praying that by "You booked the tickets" you don't mean you used your own credit card, on some kind of promise of him paying you back?
__________________
Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 02-05-2012, 07:11 AM
dolphindream dolphindream is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 21
Default

no, I have his credit card and he paid for all of it but, because I am a frequent flyer on the cruise lines, the bookings are under my name. I booked them. I have already thought about just not going and letting him have them. I just know this is not the way I thought polyamorous relationships were supposed to be.
__________________


Trying to play well with others, lots of others!!!
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 02-05-2012, 07:13 AM
dolphindream dolphindream is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 21
Default

I really wish I had someone to spend vday with.....
__________________


Trying to play well with others, lots of others!!!
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
boundaries, veto, veto power, vetoes, vetos

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:56 AM.