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Old 02-04-2012, 06:19 PM
visrose visrose is offline
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Eastern PA
Posts: 6
Default managing jealousy in LDR

Hi! I have been lurking for years, but this is my first question to the list.

I'm not sure how much background information is needed to help answer my question, so i will give the basics. I am on an arm of a poly V, with my love and his wife. I do not live with them, but 6 hours away. This is circumstantial, and if I could I would be. they would both like me there. I have no real jealousy issues with her beyond the typical "oh I wish that could be me" moments.

My real jealousy is something else entirely. I am insanely, uncontrollably jealous of my partner's FWB. It seems silly, petty and stupid to me. He has said over and over that they are no more than friends, that he has no desire for a deeper emotional attachment to them than that. I have tried to analyze my jealousy to figure out what the core fear is and I got this far-

He texts or emails back and forth with them every day. He also does with me. Because of the LDR, The fear center of my brain feels that this is devaluing his communication, and therefore his bond with me by having them such active participants in his life. My logical brain knows this is petty and silly because he has told me that we communicate much more frequently than he does with them, (I also talk to him at lunch every day during the week on the phone) and the emotional content he puts behind the words are much stronger with me than with them, even if the words are the same (such as "good morning") . Even with all the information the logical voice in my head is giving me, the emotional voice takes over, screaming like a banshee "He NEEDS them in his life, NEEDS them like he needs you , he reaches out to them EVERY DAY, EVERY F*ING DAY, just like you! You are not special, you are not important!" Sigh. I will not put restrictions on him out of fear. it is not healthy, it will build resentment and destroy our relationship. He has every right to have FWB and talk to them whenever and however frequently he wants to. I know this, logically. Does anyone have any suggestions to make my emotional side accept it too? I have been struggling with this for 4 weeks now, with no headway. I wake up every morning at 4 or 5 am, sick with fear. I spend the day with it sapping away my energy. He and I have talked it to death, and are frustrated and scared that there seems to be no solutions other than I have to have faith. I want to have faith, and let the fear go. I just have no clue how to do it.

I read through the jealousy links. I feel like I have made it as far as the part where you get to the core of the issue. (maybe I haven't?) or you just go on faith (I've been trying that for 4 weeks with no success, so I feel what little faith I have is shaken).
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