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  #11  
Old 02-02-2012, 02:02 AM
polyexplorer polyexplorer is offline
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Thanks NYC for your reply. You are right, there is no trying. It's a leap off the edge and you're all in or not. We are all in. It was just my gentleness of words in using the less definite word of "try".

As far as openness, I am referring both emotionally and sexually. As has been said by others, it can be easier with the clean slate of a new relationship to forge new ground relationally (both emotionally and sexually) that has not been tread before. I think this is happening with my wife. It would be more difficult to break the patterns of relating with an existing relationship. Perhaps she is trying on new ways of relating emotionally and sexually that she has not been willing or able to try on with me before. It suits her! I always knew she had it in her to be how she is with him, but for whatever reasons it only came out in glimpses with me. Perhaps these glimpses will start becoming more frequent and lasting longer with me as she taps into who she is becoming more and more. If it takes another guy to bring this out in her, then so be it...
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  #12  
Old 02-02-2012, 03:13 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by polyexplorer View Post
Thanks NYC for your reply. You are right, there is no trying. It's a leap off the edge and you're all in or not. We are all in. It was just my gentleness of words in using the less definite word of "try".

As far as openness, I am referring both emotionally and sexually. As has been said by others, it can be easier with the clean slate of a new relationship to forge new ground relationally (both emotionally and sexually) that has not been tread before. I think this is happening with my wife. It would be more difficult to break the patterns of relating with an existing relationship. Perhaps she is trying on new ways of relating emotionally and sexually that she has not been willing or able to try on with me before. It suits her! I always knew she had it in her to be how she is with him, but for whatever reasons it only came out in glimpses with me. Perhaps these glimpses will start becoming more frequent and lasting longer with me as she taps into who she is becoming more and more. If it takes another guy to bring this out in her, then so be it...
I think something else you have to keep in mind is that your marriage in its previous mono state was situated in religious waters; this may have had an effect on her being open towards you or trying to process the already established relationship differently.
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  #13  
Old 02-02-2012, 06:04 AM
polyexplorer polyexplorer is offline
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Good point arrowbound. I hadn't really thought of that... She grew up in a very traditional regligious background and her father was a pastor. This may have made it more difficult for her to be truly open. We have now shed that past and moved on. Hence a new relationship has none of that background... Thanks for the insight...
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  #14  
Old 02-02-2012, 06:56 AM
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It sounds like NRE to me. She has a new toy to play with so the old toy sits on the shelf; loved but put aside for awhile. I wouldn't sweat it too much. It will pass. NRE makes a person think that rainbows shine out of the ass of the one they are in love with until such time as they start getting annoyed that they leave their socks on the living room floor just like you do...

Keep breathing, try and laugh it off and spend that lack of sexy time masturbating more... be your best primary and take care of you so that when she comes home you are on your game and the amazing person she loves.

I was in the same situation that she is in now about three years ago. The above comes from experience. It was what got us through, maybe it will you too.
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  #15  
Old 02-02-2012, 10:46 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
First, Yoda had it right when he said there is either "do" or "do not." There is no such thing as try. If you are sitting right now, try standing up. Go ahead, try it... wait if you stood up, you didn't try - you stood up! You're either sitting or standing, not trying to do one or the other.
Ok, that example made me giggle. At 7 months pregnant there is lots of trying to stand up for me.

To the op; I agree with previous posts that this mostly sounds like NRE.

I just wanted to add that sometimes it is easier to be more 'open' (whether that's sexually or emotionally) with someone 'new'. It can be way more scary to be completely open with someone when you want them to be around 'forever'.

What if they get mad, upset, hurt, so on and so on, it may change your relationship entirely. As opposed to being open with the 'new' person where you may have less expectations of 'forever' or what exactly your relationship will be.
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  #16  
Old 02-03-2012, 09:39 PM
polyexplorer polyexplorer is offline
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Thanks for the posts...

Yes, maybe there is more NRE than I am giving credit for??? Good point too brokenmirror about the 'forever' expectations and therefore being easier to open up more to someone new...

One step at a time...
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  #17  
Old 02-04-2012, 07:29 AM
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NRE could explain why she seems open with him, however it does not explain why she has always felt guarded with you, or why that hasn't changed in 20 years of marriage.

My husband is very protective of his thoughts and feelings. He really struggles to share them. Long story short, he grew up in a household where having emotions was frowned upon and talking about them was flat-out forbidden. So the notion that talking about your feelings is allowed and even desirable is not something that comes naturally to him.

I, on the other hand, tend to pretty much think out loud, every thought and feeling that comes into my perception. This has, in the past, had the consequence of him feeling guilty over one-time accidents or mistakes that he'd made, and that I'd reacted to. I still don't know how many things he's afraid to do, just because one time I freaked out about it, usually because I was in "a mood."

Over the past 5 years, we've both gravitated towards the middle. We both still have a lot of work to do, but things are a lot smoother now, and get better all the time.

In other words, being open (I assume you mean in terms of communication) is something that takes practice for both people: It takes practice to learn to share with someone, and it takes practice to learn to allow someone to share with you.

So my question for you is: are you sure you're doing everything you can to make it safe for your wife to share her feelings? Do you ever pass judgement on her when she shares? Do you share with her as much as you could, or is there room for improvement?

I recommend telling her how you feel. Be careful with the "you've never / you always" ways to put things (i.e. "she's never been open with me"). But find a way to say that you'd like it if you and her could be more open with each other and that you're feeling a bit of envy of how she's able to be open with her boyfriend. And then practice small. Ask her to share something that won't make her too uncomfortable, receive it positively, and then share something with her. The more she sees that it's safe to share her feelings with you, the more she'll feel comfortable doing it.
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  #18  
Old 02-04-2012, 09:11 AM
polyexplorer polyexplorer is offline
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I think you're right SC, I still do believe that there is more than NRE going on...

As I have been reflecting more on what I mean by my wife's 'openness', I think I am referring primarily to her sexual openness. For the 20 years of our sexual life I have always felt that my wife had more to give and open up to in this area. I have been wanting a deeper and more open sexual connection. I have wanted her to show more initiative, more adventure, and to be and feel the sexy person who I know she is. She wants this too!

Funnily enough, the thought of my wife falling in love with someone else and having the deep emotional connection doesn't really phase me that much. I feel at ease about this. But I have struggled most with the thought of her being really open and all the things that I have wanted her to be sexually with someone else.

I am coming to terms with it more and more and see that it may just be part of her journey. I can also see that more and more the openness is starting to come my way too...
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  #19  
Old 02-04-2012, 10:10 AM
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thanks for this thread, i'm reading it through my heart

i found it so simple and heartly written that i posted it in "my" very new forum which is in italian: italy does not know -and somehow it seems "they" do not want to know about polyamory...

BTW, Polyexplorer: goooooooo!!!!!!
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  #20  
Old 02-04-2012, 03:54 PM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by polyexplorer View Post
As I have been reflecting more on what I mean by my wife's 'openness', I think I am referring primarily to her sexual openness. For the 20 years of our sexual life I have always felt that my wife had more to give and open up to in this area. I have been wanting a deeper and more open sexual connection. I have wanted her to show more initiative, more adventure, and to be and feel the sexy person who I know she is. She wants this too!
This makes me a little bit wary. Yes, she wants this too presumably; still, it seems you may be pushing her to be something she is not comfortable with, at least with you. Why does she need to be different? Why does she need to be the one to change? If you want to be more open yourself, then be more open; somehow I have the sense that a lot is falling on her shoulders.

Also, comparisons are really dangerous. Her new partner is a different person than you; even with no differences in history they are likely to relate differently. Keep your focus on your own relationship.
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