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Old 02-01-2012, 12:04 PM
polyexplorer polyexplorer is offline
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Default My wifes emotional connection with her new man

My wife has recently met a guy and has fallen in love with him. I am genuinely happy for her.

What I am finding most painful though is that I can sense that she is more open emotionally and is more excited about seeing him than she is me. She has even said so herself. She is aware that she is much more open to him during lovemaking that she is with me where she is a little guarded and protecting. This is due to the 6 painful years it has taken us to reach this place of opening our marriage. Whereas with her new man there is no painful past. Of course there is also NRE, but this goes deeper than that...

Everytime I know they are together I am finding it painful because I know how open and excited she is, and I know how difficult she finds it to be so open to me. I am hopeful that this openness will swing my way over time...

Any suggestions on how to best deal with this kind of pain?

Thanks...
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Old 02-01-2012, 02:53 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Why are you adding more people to the mix when your relationship isn't ready for it?
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

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Old 02-01-2012, 03:40 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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My advice is to keep talking to her about it and processing it. In my own relationship, there are some things that I do more easily with my boyfriend simply because he's not my husband..... it has nothing to do with either of them as people, but the script in my head about what a husband is. I had an controlling step father and my husband is in no way a controlling person, but my first reaction to my husband telling me to do something is to rebel. I don't have that reaction with my boyfriend.

My husband brought it to my attention that this hurt him; that I would just do what my boyfriend told me to and not him. So we talked and processed and talked some more. I've tried to be less rebellious and he has a better understanding of where I'm coming from so he doesn't take it personally.
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Old 02-01-2012, 05:31 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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I've noticed this dynamic before and it absolutely stung at first since, at least for me, my initial reactions in becoming poly was to internalize any disparity I perceived. It seemed there were subjects that got my husband hot with others that he was uncomfortable to try with me because he worried about my reactions more than with someone else. With me, there is more to lose should this relationship go south so of course he is going to stress over that possibility more with me than any other partner.

I don't know what has happened between you and your partner in the last 6 years or what pain those years manifested. It might help to explain whats up with that. But for us it was something we battled over repeatedly. It was when it got to its ugliest that we made our biggest break through. He began to take the risk of losing me by bringing me closer to his sexual wants rather than shielding me from them. And I really dug deep to not turn away from him out of the hurt that he had been sharing those parts of himself with others and not me. Its like a whole new relationship now complete with the NRE I thought people only got with new connections.
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Old 02-01-2012, 05:34 PM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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I wonder if it's just that you two aren't really ready yet for other people to be so heavily involved in your relationship?

My SO and I for various reasons relating to lack of practise, past relationships etc etc have some work to do on communication. Work that is taking ages - it's hard to do and we're both busy! Until we are able to communicate openly with each other, I wouldn't be happy about either of us developing new, intimate relationships.

I'm not talking just about sexual relationships - any that would take up lots of time, effort and large involve emotional adjustments. I wouldn't have a baby with him just now. I also wouldn't get a puppy or a new dog.

It just seems like doing so would make an already difficult job harder?
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Old 02-01-2012, 06:53 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I think you are adding meaning to what you see and are assuming a lot. It's NRE. Stop asking her about her lovemaking with him and how differently she feels; let her manage that relationship separately and have some privacy. She's probably as open and excited with him as he is with her; how open are you when you're with her? How excited are you to be with her? Have you romanced her lately? Stop comparing yourself and your perceptions of your wife's responses with anyone or anything else. You two need to keep working on your relationship and, if you're really not ready for this, perhaps she should slow down or scale back in being with the other guy.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 02-01-2012 at 07:26 PM.
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Old 02-01-2012, 07:06 PM
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rory rory is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
Why are you adding more people to the mix when your relationship isn't ready for it?
Quote:
Originally Posted by InfinitePossibility View Post
I wonder if it's just that you two aren't really ready yet for other people to be so heavily involved in your relationship?
Are these drawing on some additional information? I wouldn't think this issue to be severe enough to alone cause such a conclusion..

I think you should focus totally on your relationship with your wife. The other guy and their relationship is just not relevant. It doesn't matter (to your relationship) how much openness she has with him, it matters how much openness you and her share. It sounds like more openness is something you'd both like. Sure, you have more baggage, so it won't come as easy. That's often the case with an established relationship; you have to work to get rid of the baggage to build new. But it is possible to do that. Talk to your wife, make a commitment with her on working these things together, and have patience.
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Old 02-01-2012, 10:19 PM
polyexplorer polyexplorer is offline
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Thanks to all the responses so far! Much appreciated!!

A brief bit more background... We started our poly journey 6 years ago when I fell in love with another woman. It was totally unexpected for me and my wife! I was honest with her about it but we were in a religious setting which made it even more difficult for my wife to accept. She did try, but it became too overwhelming for her and so the relationship had to end. This was very painful for both of us, which in a nutshell explains the pain I mentioned originally.

Six years later we have talked and talked and reached a place where we both agree that poly is something we want to try. So if we are not ready to try poly now, I don't think we ever will be.

So it so happens that my wife is the first one to find "success" in terms of meeting someone she has fallen in love with. This is difficult for me on one level because I am constantly reminded of what was not possible for me. I see her joy and the excitement and I grieve what I have lost.

But the greatest pain has been seeing how open she is with him. We have been married for 20 years and there has always been a hint of holding back from my wife. This new relationship shows this up even more. I have always hoped that she would be more open with me, and it hurts to see that she can be with someone else, and that someone else is getting immediately from her something I have been hoping for for over 20 years.

However, some of the comments here have been really helpful. It is important to realise that every relationship is unique and that she will relate in different ways. Also it is important for me to recognise that it will be easier in many ways for her to open up to someone new. Rather than seeing it as a deficiency in me or a negative thing, it can actually be really positive and my hope is that she will learn to open up and in this process work through the issues that hold her back from me. She certainly wants to do this. So this new relationship could very well be the catalyst that helps to bring about a deeper openness in her that I have always longed for...

In the meantime it still does hurt to see it happening with someone else... Reminder to self - stay patient and remain focused on the bigger picture...

Thanks again!
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  #9  
Old 02-01-2012, 10:48 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Two things come up for me in reading your last post.

First, Yoda had it right when he said there is either "do" or "do not." There is no such thing as try. If you are sitting right now, try standing up. Go ahead, try it... wait if you stood up, you didn't try - you stood up! You're either sitting or standing, not trying to do one or the other. In other words, there are no half measures. Poly isn't something you try; it is something you can embrace and immerse yourself in, something you live, but how do you try polyamory when there are other people and their hearts involved? Either you're all in, or you're out, my friend. That is not to say that you can't slow the pace or take small steps.

The other thing it brought up for me is a question: what do you mean when you use the word "open?" That you wish she were more open with you??? Are you talking sexually, emotionally... or what? How well do you express your needs? Are you two in any kind of therapy together? Just wondering what this is that has you so very focused on her "openness."
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #10  
Old 02-02-2012, 12:23 AM
JohnnyDangerously JohnnyDangerously is offline
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Keep talking and give her time. One of the things my "wooing" of my girlfriends has taught me is to be cognizant of my relationship with my wife. Once I got past a certain zealous moment, I was able to see that I had been taking her for granted and stopped romancing her and doing the little things that came so naturally in the new relationships. I began applying that to my marriage as well, it began to improve as well!!
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