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  #11  
Old 01-30-2012, 09:53 PM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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It might be that she has no idea she's intruding on your special alone time with your partner, because you're at a party in front of a lot of people.

Definitely talk to your partner about it, and then maybe to her in a friendly, non-threatening way.
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  #12  
Old 01-30-2012, 10:47 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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What strikes me is that you are very focused on what people think about you and that is getting in your way, as far as being able to communicate directly with others. You've said here that you don't want to come off as bitchy, demanding, a pansy, confrontational, unusual, looking like a groupie, rocking the boat, and so on. All that self-conscious monitoring of how you appear has come back to bite you in the ass, my dear!

I don't understand why, after a year of seeing him and socializing with his other gf and her husband, you still don't feel able to talk to both of them together. Look, it's just talking. The world won't come crashing down if you express yourself.

You have been sitting on being uncomfortable for the sake of looking like you are "cooler" than you are, and now you have to back track and speak up.

Hey, it's okay to be uncool. It's okay to feel whatever you feel, and you don't have to set your feelings aside for appearance's sake. It's perfectly fine to say to both your bf and his gf, "You know poly is still new to me, and I have tried to be as comfortable as I can with different aspects of it, but I am realizing now that I would feel better with a boundary around public displays of affection between the two of you when we are all out together. It makes me very uncomfortable when I am with my boyfriend at a party and he is physically affectionate with someone else, because I'm his date for the night and for me that is special time to be with him. I am working on feeling better about it, but would you both give me some space and keep your affections private for a while until I can handle it being out in the open?"

Saying something like that clearly isn't a ban altogether, but says that you are willing to see what's behind your discomfort and are simply asking for some consideration while you figure it out. And then follow through and do the self-work to figure out why it bothers you so much.
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  #13  
Old 01-31-2012, 09:29 PM
zenchaos zenchaos is offline
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Well I did some thinking on why it bothered me before I talked to him and I think it was because we hardly have time alone at all. So I guess I did want to spend more time with him without anybody else around and we hadn't been doing that much lately. When we are alone, it's usually only long enough for a quickie, and that's if we aren't so tired from coming back late. So I was irked at the party because I saw his other girlfriend as limiting our already scarce time time together with her presence. I didn't actually tell him about this specifically, but I asked if we could try to make more alone time together on the weekend (since that's the only time we have and we don't live together) without being in a rush to go somewhere and he was very receptive to it. I think that's a better place to start, not bringing other people into it right away. So we'll see how it goes, and if that wasn't it, then I'll bring it up again and we'll probably have a more in-depth chat about it. Thanks for all of your advice .
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  #14  
Old 02-01-2012, 12:40 AM
JohnnyDangerously JohnnyDangerously is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zenchaos View Post
Well I did some thinking on why it bothered me before I talked to him and I think it was because we hardly have time alone at all. So I guess I did want to spend more time with him without anybody else around and we hadn't been doing that much lately. When we are alone, it's usually only long enough for a quickie, and that's if we aren't so tired from coming back late. So I was irked at the party because I saw his other girlfriend as limiting our already scarce time time together with her presence. I didn't actually tell him about this specifically, but I asked if we could try to make more alone time together on the weekend (since that's the only time we have and we don't live together) without being in a rush to go somewhere and he was very receptive to it. I think that's a better place to start, not bringing other people into it right away. So we'll see how it goes, and if that wasn't it, then I'll bring it up again and we'll probably have a more in-depth chat about it. Thanks for all of your advice .

Sounds like a great start!!
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  #15  
Old 02-01-2012, 12:45 AM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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I'm wondering why you don't do more things alone with him if that's the issue. If you're having a date night, have a one on one date night. It's hard to have any quality alone time when you're in a big group anyway.
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  #16  
Old 02-01-2012, 06:32 AM
bassman bassman is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zenchaos View Post
Well I did some thinking on why it bothered me before I talked to him and I think it was because we hardly have time alone at all. So I guess I did want to spend more time with him without anybody else around and we hadn't been doing that much lately. When we are alone, it's usually only long enough for a quickie, and that's if we aren't so tired from coming back late. So I was irked at the party because I saw his other girlfriend as limiting our already scarce time time together with her presence. I didn't actually tell him about this specifically, but I asked if we could try to make more alone time together on the weekend (since that's the only time we have and we don't live together) without being in a rush to go somewhere and he was very receptive to it. I think that's a better place to start, not bringing other people into it right away. So we'll see how it goes, and if that wasn't it, then I'll bring it up again and we'll probably have a more in-depth chat about it. Thanks for all of your advice .
Hooray!
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