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  #21  
Old 11-17-2009, 05:05 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hi Mono,

Thanks so much for sharing such intimacy with everyone.
Maybe we can share some of our journey & discoveries along these lines.
It would seem that the wonderful relationship you have is illustrating something very important. Love is often about putting someone else s needs above our own, understanding that those needs - at least at that point - are critical to them. Allowing them to trust their "gut" and standing beside them in support is a true expression of love.
The concept of self sacrifice will always be debated so we won't lengthen this by going down that path now.
The place of sexuality in a relationship is something we've spent many hours- even years analyzing. Here's what we've found as our own "personal truth".
In a strong loving relationship (ours anyway), sex is only a minor element in what really bonds us together. Our special relationship is built on all the intimate little life experiences we have shared together. Some joyful, some sad, some just comfortable & fuzzy. And yes - although some of them have been sexual in nature, that piece is really no different then a quiet walk we took along a meandering stream or a night we sat before a fire under a full moon. Those are our heart-bonding pieces.
It seems there is much confusion overall about human sexuality. It's a complicated thing but we often wonder if we're really not responsible for overcomplicating it. It seems to take too high a priority in the bigger scheme of things (to our thinking).
To us, a big part of the sexual piece is satisfying a natural physical need/craving. The setting & mood often determine what that is on a given occasion. Maybe relating it to a nice meal would give us a similar parallel ? We may be in a mood for a particular fare on a given day and someone else may prefer something else. We can all sit down however and share the experience of meeting our current need and the bonding occurs (or can) because of that share experience. We're happy that all involved have had a pleasurable experience.
Your "need" for a mono sexual relationship is not the exception And who's to say that it's not the best course for you - at least for now.
The point is - your love for Red - is no more or less real because of that need. Undoubtedly she understands your need, and although painful, because of that love will support you.
Isn't that what it's all about ?
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  #22  
Old 11-17-2009, 05:16 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Yeah, I get where you are going I think. I should have put this in a blog area, not general discussions. It really didn't belong here. Sorry everyone, Redpepper agrees that If I post something on a forum that I should be open for discussion. My bad.

I'm done
Take care
Sorry about that. I definitely would have read this very differently if it was in the life stories and blog section.
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  #23  
Old 11-17-2009, 05:16 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Isn't that what it's all about ?
Yes it is..thanks for these thoughts. Take care.
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  #24  
Old 11-17-2009, 06:09 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Insecurities towarsds sex with other partners is a common theme in looking at opening up. It is regularly brought up in discussions as well as during the poly meetings I attend. I find myself defending what is preceived and vocalized as "my insecurities". This is a common theme in most writings around opening up relationships.
OK, got it. I'm fuzzy today and likely not making complete sense of the world, whether reading or writing.

I'm thinking a dose of caffeine and a walk in the snow (oops, stopped snowing and now is just rain) are on the schedule to help clear my head.
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  #25  
Old 11-17-2009, 06:12 PM
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OK, got it. I'm fuzzy today and likely not making complete sense of the world, whether reading or writing.

I'm thinking a dose of caffeine and a walk in the snow (oops, stopped snowing and now is just rain) are on the schedule to help clear my head.
Snow!? Lots of rain here but no snow. No worries my friend.

Take care and enjoy your caffeine
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  #26  
Old 11-17-2009, 07:21 PM
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I have to be as open as I am because there is nothing I can do about that and I never "do" love half ass. I'm all in.
I relate to this so much!!
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  #27  
Old 11-17-2009, 09:26 PM
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Mono-it may have been in the wrong section. But damn it was helpful! Thank you.
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  #28  
Old 11-17-2009, 09:33 PM
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Mono-it may have been in the wrong section. But damn it was helpful! Thank you.
Glad to hear it.
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  #29  
Old 11-18-2009, 02:19 AM
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ladyjools ladyjools is offline
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It is really obvious to me that you have a very strong poweful and deep love for red-pepper,

from reading what you wrote i understand that you are happy to be in a polyfi situation between yourself, redpepper and her husband, but that it hurts you to think of her with another man outside, and at the moment you have a polyfi set up,

however you are saying that if she does want to bring in a new love that is a man into her life that you would re-shape your love for her, and continue to nuture the friendship without the intimacy,

what i wonder is how easy will this be, to step back from being so intimate, to give up that wonderful thing you have with her, becuase i know that sex is not everything but sex is diffrent from making love, and that connection is extreemly special,
i worry that it would hurt you more to step back and give up the intamicy, and see another man gain that with her?

i hope that these questions are not too personnal

Jools
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  #30  
Old 11-18-2009, 03:05 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by ladyjools View Post

what i wonder is how easy will this be, to step back from being so intimate, to give up that wonderful thing you have with her, becuase i know that sex is not everything but sex is diffrent from making love, and that connection is extreemly special,
i worry that it would hurt you more to step back and give up the intamicy, and see another man gain that with her?

i hope that these questions are not too personnal

Jools
Not at all Jools

The thing is, the intimacy would still be there for me. It is how I would get to communicate it to her that would change. Sex in itself is less important to me than ever because I understand my relationship to it.
I fully understand how deeply this would hurt her, but would accept that in order to be a part of her life outside of a romantic relationship. We would always be connected and we both know this.
It's not a case of all or nothing for me. It is a case of how much and in what context to be healthy.
Yes she might lose a lover, but she could keep a very close friend. Or she could chose to reject the new shape of our relationship and I would lose it all.
That would be the greatest of tragedies for me.

Of course, it would hurt me to see her have that with another man, but not as much as feeling I had betrayed all I worked to discover in myself. It would not hurt as much as knowing she was denying herself others as well. Her friendship is more important than her physical intimacy. Just as her relationship with her husband is more important to me than her relationship with me.

I have a very strong will now that I know myself. Lack of will and knowing myself cost the ones I loved in my old relationship immensely. That is a lesson I won't forget.

I am a black and white animal...I have a lot of weakness and a lot of strength. Being alone does not scare me. Hurting people does.

I have no doubt that she is strong enough to tell me if she is denying herself something or that things need to change. She is a amazingly strong person. I count on this.
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Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 11-18-2009 at 03:10 AM.
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