Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 01-30-2012, 03:50 PM
dolphindream dolphindream is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 21
Default

HI, Anneinthe rain, We did discuss it and the cruise is for me. The other going with us is very outgoing and non monogamous to him. She is very financially challenged and he felt sorry for her when she said she wanted to go. We have discussed it and he will be with me all of the time except for maybe a quickie or so. We will be spending the most time together and he has explained it to her as well. She is just excited to go to Mexico and have some fun. I don't mind her coming with so much but it wasn't part of the original plan. If I didn't want to, he would have heard about it! I am very open and direct about things that I don't like.
Liek I tried to say before, the only real issues I have with all of this is the lack of access to him when I need him. Everything is scheduled. If I were in a hospital or something of course, he would leave and come to me, this has already been discussed. On days when its been really crappy at work and I just want him there to snuggle, I am SOL. the rest of the issues seem to be working themselves out slowly.
__________________


Trying to play well with others, lots of others!!!
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 01-30-2012, 03:52 PM
dolphindream dolphindream is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 21
Default

I wish there was a like button on this forum like the ones on facebook!!!
__________________


Trying to play well with others, lots of others!!!
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 01-31-2012, 12:50 AM
idealist's Avatar
idealist idealist is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 542
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by dolphindream View Post
Not long! Almost immediately I felt very strongly about him. We are very much alike and we are very comfortable around each other. I met him only 8 months ago.
Okay- well that's about the time NRE usually begins to wind down some and the "shadow" aspects begin to reveal themselves.

For many years, I did grief work with people who were dealing with relationships that had ended and basically the grieving time is about 25% the length of the relationship. So- for an 8 month relationship, you're talking about 2 months of grief (on average).....people do tend to drag that out in certain cases.....just sayin' if you decide you don't want to "play" any more.

My other thought for you (since I'm polyamorous and enjoy multiple partners) is this....since you seem to be open to him being poly.....have you considered being open to having another partner? It's really nice!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by dolphindream View Post
I have to make sure that I am not being mislead by feelings and actually thinking things thru realistically.
That's a good idea!! and talking things out here is a good way to do that!!
__________________
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 01-31-2012, 01:06 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,411
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by idealist View Post
For many years, I did grief work with people who were dealing with relationships that had ended and basically the grieving time is about 25% the length of the relationship.
Oh, great. That means I've got about a year and a half more of feeling shitty and having crying jags that come out of nowhere! Fuck!
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post against hierarchy in polyamory: http://solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-i...short-version/
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 01-31-2012, 01:34 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,344
Default

3 years if I did the math right - which is not guaranteed. Not happy about that.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 01-31-2012, 02:41 AM
idealist's Avatar
idealist idealist is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 542
Default

There is some good news for you two (Opalescent and Nycindie) What I've seen is that people who are actively working on their grief can get through it in less time and people who are avoiding the emotions end up taking more time to move through the process.

There are stages of grief and these stages must be consciously felt to move through it. The main ones are shock, denial, anger, barganing, guilt, depression and acceptance. And this is not a linear process. One thing you can do is keep a journal and write about your feelings in all of these catagories. If you can get to a point where you can identify (at any given moment) where you are in the process, this will help you move through it.

For example: You might wake up and feel acceptance....after breakfast, feel anger.....during lunch feel depressed.....in the evening feel acceptance etc. Being conscious of the feelings as they are happening on a daily basis really helps move things along and before you know it, it's done!!
__________________
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 01-31-2012, 04:07 AM
dolphindream dolphindream is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 21
Default

Journals help alot! I do not want to stop playing. i want to learn how to be healthy and understanding towards his needs. I have thought of taking others and he is perfectly ok with it. I simply do not have the time and energy. I work 10 hour shifts in a retail pharmacy. When I get home, i am completely beat. This is one of the reasons I am ok with this. I have every Thursday off, just for him. We go do all kinds of things and then we spend 1-2 weekends together as well. Between all of this and family obligations, which he attends often, I don't think it would be fair to have someone that I don't have time for.
__________________


Trying to play well with others, lots of others!!!
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 02-04-2012, 08:51 PM
idealist's Avatar
idealist idealist is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 542
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by dolphindream View Post
I don't think it would be fair to have someone that I don't have time for.
That depends on the person and the relationships dynamics. I have a male partner that lives 1,000 miles away and for 10 years we have spent an average of a week to 2 weeks together per year- sometimes we skip a year!
__________________
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 02-04-2012, 11:15 PM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,130
Default

I wonder if she wasn't feeling jealous that it's you he's bringing for valentine's, so she manipulated him to bringing her as well. Let him put his money where his mouth is. If the only reason he's buying her a cruise is out of pity, ask him to send her on a cruise by herself. You say she's expected to be on her own anyway, and if anything I'd say it's even lonelier to be by yourself when your partner is on the same boat than it is to be completely on your own...

I'm extremely bothered that he didn't tell you about his 5 (7?) other girlfrieands until he had let you fall in love with him. That's manipulative. I guess there's some leeway depending on how fast you fell in love and whether or not he led you to believe he was single. But I definitely think "I'm poly and I'm seeing other people" should definitely come up by the second date, preferably first. Monos don't need to waste time and energy on people they won't have any interest in being with.
__________________
Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 02-05-2012, 02:05 AM
dolphindream dolphindream is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 21
Default

yes, you are all absolutely correct on so many matters. i do have a feeling that she manipulated her way on the ship. She told him how she has never been on one and can never afford one. He honestly feels sorry for her. He has wanted to break up with her but says he doesn't have the heart. Every time he gets ready to end it, she comes up with a new medical crisis for him to feel badly about. He made sure to tell me that the second she becomes a problem I need to let him know. It is a big ship.She has been scheduling doctors visits and medical test on my day, Thursdays. i told him this past thursday to have her reschedule. I think she does it on purpose. he also commented that he would bring the number back down to 5 women if it would keep me from leaving him. I never said I was leaving him.....
I am going on this cruise and try my best to keep a good positive attitude. I have even scheduled time that he can spend with her that fits my schedule.

trying
__________________


Trying to play well with others, lots of others!!!
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
boundaries, veto, veto power, vetoes, vetos

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:23 PM.