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  #11  
Old 01-29-2012, 09:09 PM
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zappafreak zappafreak is offline
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Originally Posted by PolyMinNY View Post
I think you should tell the g/f that you would love to continue the relationship with her but you are still committed to your wife also.

Let her know hat the relationship with her can continue and flourish but ONLY if she is agreeable to meet with your wife. If it continues as it is, all of you will be torn and resentful which will ultimately end the relationship.

Hopefully the g/f will understand and agree to meet your wife. It sounds like she wants you all to herself and not open to sharing which to you is not an option.

Best to get it out in the open and discuss it now.
I don't necessarily feel that she wants me all to herself. She seems to be quite accepting of my wife and family at this point, just doesn't want to meet her. She is cool with sharing too, actually.

I have decided that I don't want to force them to meet. There is just too much resistance there. I guess my biggest question on this subject now is whether we can be happy with such an arrangement. It's not that I'm unhappy with it. I think it would be preferable if we could all spend time together, and I'm quite certain that I would prefer having such a relationship where it was all in the open. Maybe that is the choice that I need to make for myself.
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  #12  
Old 01-30-2012, 01:02 AM
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Actually, no, I should have made that clear. GF has never had a poly relationship and this whole thing was very foreign to her.
Becoming poly is a work in progress and it's not for everyone. I'm still working at it and it's been almost a year and a half. Just keep communicating honestly with your wife as well as your g/f and make sure that the g/f's expectations are in line with yours and your spouse. If you're slightly askew, work towards a compromise, sure. But she does have to understand that you need to preserve your primary relationship also, it cannot be all about her and the NRE that you're both feeling.

I have had issues with my husband becoming jealous and needing reassurances as my relationship with my boyfriend deepened. We had some pretty tense moments and it's been a lot of work. On the whole, its been very much worth it though. I love both men and I don't take either one for granted. Sounds to me like the three of you have some work ahead of you if this is going to work out...I wish you luck.
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  #13  
Old 01-30-2012, 09:27 AM
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So...update.

I just talked with GF for the last several hours about how things are now, and everything was good and understood until the sleepover subject came up. It has been a sore subject this whole time, but when we talked this time she decided that she absolutely wasn't happy with that. She handed me the ultimatum.

I reminded her that I had an equal ultimatum from the wife in regards to her not being ok with the sleepovers, so she told me that I should just go home to my wife then because she was no longer going to be in this relationship if I was not going to be spending the night.

I got stuck in between two ultimatums. Wow. That sucked. Poly is difficult.
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  #14  
Old 01-30-2012, 11:01 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I got stuck in between two ultimatums. Wow. That sucked. Poly is difficult.
That is one good reason to go slow. I think if you already have agreements with partners, it is smart to negotiate with new partners carefully, so you can be firm upfront and not have to juggle so hard later, backtracking on a promise or action you've already extended to a new relationship.

My husband and I have an agreement to meet any potential partners before we become sexual. Really it doesn't matter if that's a two minute hi, how ya doing, or a long dinner party, but it is the reluctance of a person to meet us at all in general, which makes us OK or not with them being somebody who will be a part of our lives. I know this isn't for everybody, but truthfully an unwillingness to just know the others in our partner's life seems to be a bad thing as far as we are concerned.

Obviously in your situation I would've insisted your gf meet me in order for your relationship to move forward. Not for everybody, but if you think that's important to you (as it seems you aren't comfortable with how your gf did not want to meet you wife) then I would make it a priority with future partners.

edit: I am sorry that it ended. I do hope you figure out what is important for you and your partner so if you go forward with a new partner (or your gf who you've been discussing) you can have an easier time of this. It sounds like you have been trying to do right by the people you care about.
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 01-30-2012 at 11:05 AM.
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  #15  
Old 01-30-2012, 04:19 PM
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nouryia nouryia is offline
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Originally Posted by zappafreak View Post
I got stuck in between two ultimatums. Wow. That sucked. Poly is difficult.
Ultimatums really aren't the way to go. There has to be room for dicussion and compromise in all relationships, not just poly.
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  #16  
Old 01-30-2012, 06:03 PM
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Originally Posted by zappafreak View Post
As to what GF wants...she wants to see me around 3 times a week and have a sleepover 1 or 2 times a week.
Wow! So this means you would only be a part time parent to 3 kids, leaving your wife with nearly ALL the work and responsibility. Your wife is a saint to have been able to put up with this in the past. Do you give your wife 2-3 nights off a week away from the kids to do her own thing?
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  #17  
Old 01-30-2012, 06:13 PM
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zappafreak zappafreak is offline
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Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
That is one good reason to go slow. I think if you already have agreements with partners, it is smart to negotiate with new partners carefully, so you can be firm upfront and not have to juggle so hard later, backtracking on a promise or action you've already extended to a new relationship.
This has definitely been a learning experience. This has been the first real relationship that either of us have had outside of our marriage, it was all quite casual up until now. I have found that I am definitely less interested in the casual side of things now - I'm thinking more poly and less swinging. I'm glad for it, too, personal relationships are obviously much more meaningful.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
edit: I am sorry that it ended. I do hope you figure out what is important for you and your partner so if you go forward with a new partner (or your gf who you've been discussing) you can have an easier time of this. It sounds like you have been trying to do right by the people you care about.
Thanks, it's been hard, but I do feel that I have a MUCH better idea of what I am looking for now. I want someone that can be OK with being around my family, and that can appreciate that I have that family. I know where the comfort level is in my household, and those things can be established from the beginning of any future relationships. We didn't have any "rules" in place to begin with because we had never encountered this situation before, which has made for undue stress while we tried to establish our boundaries.
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  #18  
Old 01-30-2012, 06:16 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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Originally Posted by zappafreak View Post
So...update.

I just talked with GF for the last several hours about how things are now, and everything was good and understood until the sleepover subject came up. It has been a sore subject this whole time, but when we talked this time she decided that she absolutely wasn't happy with that. She handed me the ultimatum.

I reminded her that I had an equal ultimatum from the wife in regards to her not being ok with the sleepovers, so she told me that I should just go home to my wife then because she was no longer going to be in this relationship if I was not going to be spending the night.

I got stuck in between two ultimatums. Wow. That sucked. Poly is difficult.
Quite honestly, this is NOT the kind of person I would want in my life. You have KIDS who need to have their dad at home. Even if she didn't understand her not getting the same amount of time with you as your wife gets (which to me is an irrational demand in a new relationship in the first place), she should understand that you also have 3 kids to spend time with. She's not just sharing you with your wife, she's sharing you with the rest of your family and if she refuses to meet any of them - I don't know if you even want her to meet your kids, but based on the fact that she refuses to talk to your wife, I assume she wouldn't be open to that anyway - you have to choose: time with one person you love (her) or time with 4 people you love (wife and kids).

Just a different way to think about it, but this is where my mind went when you said your (ex) gf asked for half your nights to be spent away from home.
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  #19  
Old 01-30-2012, 06:24 PM
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Originally Posted by nouryia View Post
Ultimatums really aren't the way to go. There has to be room for dicussion and compromise in all relationships, not just poly.
I agree that is true, but this situation was difficult in that it was new for ALL parties. The "no sleepover rule" was created as we found what everyone was comfortable with. Wife discovered after the relationship had started that she was not comfortable with sleepovers. This would have been much better if it had been established to begin with, but we didn't know what effect that would have in a "relationship" manner rather than a casual sex thing. Turns out it is a different situation when you have that deep connection, and it affects things in a whole new way.

So..I don't really blame either one of them in this situation. I think it is unfortunate, but GF felt the sleepovers were something that she needed in a relationship and wife felt that it was not something she was comfortable with.
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  #20  
Old 01-30-2012, 06:31 PM
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Originally Posted by km34 View Post
Quite honestly, this is NOT the kind of person I would want in my life. You have KIDS who need to have their dad at home. Even if she didn't understand her not getting the same amount of time with you as your wife gets (which to me is an irrational demand in a new relationship in the first place), she should understand that you also have 3 kids to spend time with. She's not just sharing you with your wife, she's sharing you with the rest of your family and if she refuses to meet any of them - I don't know if you even want her to meet your kids, but based on the fact that she refuses to talk to your wife, I assume she wouldn't be open to that anyway - you have to choose: time with one person you love (her) or time with 4 people you love (wife and kids).

Just a different way to think about it, but this is where my mind went when you said your (ex) gf asked for half your nights to be spent away from home.
Actually, she did want to meet my kids (at least my youngest). She also has 2 boys about her age and thought it would be fun for them to meet. I agreed that would be fun, but I wasn't comfortable with that unless she was going to meet my wife. I didn't want to introduce my child into such a situation until it felt more stable, and it obviously wasn't a stable situation.

Also, when I talked with GF about this subject last month, she was looking for 2 sleepovers a week and I told her that I would be good with one per week, but only if it was OK with my wife. And it wasn't. I thought that was pretty clear to her, but she was apparently waiting and hoping I would change wife's mind. To be honest, I don't want to. I want my wife to accept this situation at her comfort level, and this is what is more important to me.
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