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Old 01-30-2012, 04:01 PM
alchemistwizard alchemistwizard is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 2
Default He Cheated with a Potential Third

Hello everyone, sorry if this is kind of long. I am a 26 year old female, and I've been dating my boyfriend for about 8 months. We're monogamous, but have always wanted to try a threesome. Neither of us have tried anything like it... in fact, before me, he's never really had a committed relationship, just a long string of friends-with-benefits and one-night stands (he's 30 years old.)

We've been vetting a couple of potential thirds, including a previous FWB of his. She's cute and eager, but I started to feel very uncomfortable with our interactions. For one thing, she only ever paid attention to him-she didn't really try to get to know me or establish a connection with me. She was also VERY forward... all of her posts on his wall were sexual jokes, calling him sexy and handsome, and asking why he hadn't been around to see her lately. A few weeks ago, I told him that I was still open to the idea of a threesome... but not with her.

Two nights ago, he came over to my place and we had a fantastic time, as we usually do. I have a slightly higher sex drive than he does, and I've just gotten on birth control, so we went outfit shopping to make the occasion extra special. After some great sex, I fell asleep, and woke up a little bit later to find he'd gone out into the living room. I thought he was maybe finishing off the porn we'd started earlier, so I sneaked up behind him to surprise him... When it turns out the thing he was jerking off to was a Facebook chat with the ex-FWB who I had vetoed.

As you can imagine, I got extremely upset. It wasn't so much that he was having a sexy chat that bothered me... it was that he was having a sexy chat with her, who I had very clearly stated I did not feel comfortable with. He also said a few things in the chat, like how he "wished he was still an option" that really destroyed me.

For his part, he was really devastated by how hurt I was. He said he'd let his hormones run away with him, and that he was still kind of in the "singlehood" mindset. He emphasized that he would NEVER physically cheat, and that there's a big disconnect for him between words and actions, but it was stupid of him all the same. He also offered to block her and never speak to her again, as he says that the sexy talk has just always been their dynamic, and what their friendship is based on.

We also had a very very long conversation about why he felt the need to do this. He thought it might have something to do with requiring outside validation of his attractiveness. I asked if he'd prefer to be single. He said no, he's through with that phase of his life and he's extremely happy with our relationship. I asked if he wanted to be poly, and he said no again, because he thinks it'd be too complicated and emotionally messy for him.

I eventually offered the idea of going out and flirting with women to get an ego boost, but he said it'd make him too uncomfortable... Instead, he wants us to go out together and have us BOTH flirt with girls. I also gave him permission to be a huge flirt at parties... he'd actually been holding back, because he thought it would bother me. He was really excited about the concept of us flirting together, and thought that would be perfect.

For me myself, I just feel really confused and hurt. I'm pretty sure this is an isolated incident (I have pretty darn good intuition about this stuff... he admitted a couple of other things in regards to his past, all of which I'd suspected but never said anything about.) If it is isolated, I think I can get past it. But I'm terrified of it happening again.

My question is, how can I/we prevent it from happening again? Does he secretly want to be poly but won't admit it? How can we rebuild trust? I still really want to try a threesome, but now I'm afraid that this same situation will happen again. Does anyone have any advice? Thank you so much!!
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