Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 01-22-2012, 02:29 AM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: the interwebz.
Posts: 186
Default So good to hear from you.

Hey peabean. Oh man, the guilt! It's what we're up against now - there's been a lot of that flying around, which none of us were really expected. She's been feeling guilty for not feeling the same love for both of us, I've been feeling guilty for needing any rules at all, he's been feeling guilty for being so caught up in NRE. Doesn't seem to matter how much we all reassure each other, we're all always worrying about how everyone else feels. First we worked to protect boundaries, now we're working to disassemble them. We'll get there, but holy hiccups hannah.

No, no individual dating as of yet, but I kind of like that idea, and see how it could really foster intimacy and a "break" for all of us while still bonding on the whole. Will bring that idea to them when we do some more werk!
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 01-22-2012, 04:14 AM
idealist's Avatar
idealist idealist is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 538
Default

Thanks so much for sharing! I wanted to share with you how I deal with guilt. The first question I ask myself is: "Is this realistic or unrealistic guilt?"

Thoughts and limiting beliefs have a lot to do with feelings.

Realistic guilt is neccessary and can be worked through in a conscious manner. "this too shall pass." and it will pass.

Unrealisitic guilt is a waste of energy.

Keep sharing and hang in there!!
__________________
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 01-23-2012, 05:58 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,632
Default

I just tagged your thread. You might want to consider doing a tag search for the same tags as your as I tend to use the same tags for like minded threads... please, tag away folks, you can too.... weee, its fun!
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 01-23-2012, 11:50 PM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: East Coast, U.S.
Posts: 336
Default

BaggagePatrol: please stop blaming yourself and feeling guilty. Your feelings sound quite reasonable.

The first thing I would suggest is scheduling date nights for just you and your husband. You don't necessarily need to go out anywhere, but you could. And these should be nights where you talk about yourselves and each other, not your girlfriend.

The idea would be to generate more excitement and connection with your husband. It must be REALLY annoying to see him staying up to midnight talking to the girlfriend when you know if it was just you and him he'd crash and go to bed at 9pm.

Also you should schedule time for just you and the girlfriend to bond without your husband there.

And then the husband & girlfriend can also have a night to themselves while you pursue something on your own--whether it's just watching TV, making new friends, or going on your own dates.

Don't feel guilty! It sounds like they're trying to be really considerate of you, but they also sound...goofy and self-involved.
__________________
Single, straight, female, solo, non-monogamous.
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 01-24-2012, 01:45 PM
peabean peabean is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 48
Default

Yes, the guilt can be ridiculous at times! I think it's just a phase of the relationship, where we're not really NRE anymore but we're still concerned that everyone's feelings are constantly 'positive'. Which is crap, because in what relationship is every person happy all the time??? Not in any mono relationships I know! So why such high expectations from a poly relationship?

I think now is definitely the time to start thinking about nurturing the relationships within the relationship. At first my gf was resistant to this idea too. She felt like 'why do we need to do this?' But once we started she became the biggest proponent of date night. We now try to get each of the 3 couples a date every 2 weeks. This works out to 4 dates a month for each of us, which is quite ambitious given we have a 3 year old and each work a full time job!

It really does bring a nice energy to the relationship, plus it gives us one on one time our kid to do something special on the nights we stay home.

I've grown much closer to my husband through all of this, because it gives us alone time. I've also grown close to my girlfriend, this time lets us foster our sensuality without the testosterone in the mix, if you know what I mean.
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 01-30-2012, 03:37 AM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: the interwebz.
Posts: 186
Default It's gettin' worse

Another weekend together, and I am growing increasingly uncomfortable. I am actually starting to believe that I don't even want to be around them anymore! I can feel myself withdrawing, and while I know that it's ridiculous on one level, I feel, well, trapped. I think I am not just not into the NRE anymore, I think I don't actually want to be around it at all. It's making me edgy and cranky, and like I just want to get away from the whole situation.

Feel like I'm losing ground on my sanity a little bit; it's been a tough few weeks, and while I'm not against doing the hard work, I honestly don't even know if I want to do this work at all. I do like her, but I have a lot of people in my life that I like and I am not spending every weekend of my life with them. I want my life to get back into a bit more of a balance - we've been hanging out with her almost exclusively for some time now, and the last month or so have really been grinding on me. I'd love to have a dinner party with a group of friends, or just have a quiet weekend at home with my husband, maybe just the TWO of us have a fun night away (great suggestions there - we've totally gotten out of the habit in that regard.)

In a lot of ways it's starting to feel like she's my husband's girlfriend who I go to bed with once or twice with in a weekend. She and him talk endlessly, hug and cuddle and give each other moonie eyes while I kind of do my own thing, because being around that drives me nuts! SO BORING if you're not into it! Like watching a romantic comedy, without ANY FREAKIN' COMEDY. When her and I are alone together, it's just kind of awkward.

I don't know - I guess this is the part where they start dating on their own. Not sure how I feel about that, but I'm kind of done being a third wheel with my own freaking husband LOL.

Sigh. I guess this is why most people don't do this - it's tough shizah.
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 01-30-2012, 06:30 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,632
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BaggagePatrol View Post
In a lot of ways it's starting to feel like she's my husband's girlfriend who I go to bed with once or twice with in a weekend. She and him talk endlessly, hug and cuddle and give each other moonie eyes while I kind of do my own thing, because being around that drives me nuts! SO BORING if you're not into it! Like watching a romantic comedy, without ANY FREAKIN' COMEDY. When her and I are alone together, it's just kind of awkward.

I don't know - I guess this is the part where they start dating on their own. Not sure how I feel about that, but I'm kind of done being a third wheel with my own freaking husband LOL.

Sigh. I guess this is why most people don't do this - it's tough shizah.
Yup, sounds like it. Why not plan a nice date for two, you and hubby, once a week (or whatever works) and then plan to get about your own stuff. You could plan some time with both of them in a couple of weeks, but in the mean time shuffle him off to her place or get out of the house when she is around and meet up with some of the people you have been neglecting because of her. Then re-group and see if its more natural to be a vee. If so then it would be time to negotiate what that looks like in terms of time management and boundaries.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 01-30-2012, 10:55 AM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,280
Default

Ah, BP, glad you checked back in. Sorry it's still uncomfortable for you in your "triad becoming a V."

Now is the time for you to insist on some focused attention from your husband. Even tho he and gf are in NRE, it won't kill them to take a week off, it really won't. If I were you, I'd request he take a week off from seeing her altogether, and spend focused time with you, and your kid.

I'm in NRE with one of my lovers, and I only see him once a week. I don't live with my primary (miss pixi), we each have our own places. So, I see the Ginger midweek at my place, for an overnight, and see miss pixi for several days each week, over a long weekend.

Your h and his gf seem to have a bit of understanding about NRE, but since they don't want to be apart, they've been insisting the NRE is handled by you being around them and immersed in their passion. Obviously this isn't working.

Unless she's a cowgirl, your gf should respect your primary relationship and allow you and your h some space. He also should come home to you, spend time with you alone and keep your pair bond healthy and intact, and fun! It's his duty and also should be his pleasure, to talk to YOU, hug YOU, snuggle YOU and date YOU.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

There's no lying in polyamory!

I'm a 58 year old woman with 2 partners:
miss pixi, my live-in gf, 36 (together since Jan '09)
Ginger, bf, 61, married, lives nearby (together since Jan '12)
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 01-30-2012, 09:33 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 6,752
Default

BP, have you thought about showing this thread to him?
__________________
Hot chick in the city.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me.
~Bryan Ferry
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 02-05-2012, 05:31 AM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: the interwebz.
Posts: 186
Default I love you guys

This forum is such a great sounding board, lovin' the feedback and the positive suggestions to keep things real. He did see this thread nycindie, totally freaked me out as it was kind of the place that i was going to rant, but its all good and he and i have had some good talks. Unfortunately, I just don't think that I want to keep going with this. Does still make me feel crappy, as I know that it's going to ruin it for everyone, but i just cant keep fooling myself that time will make it go away. Not going to constantly give up my own sanity for the sake of trying to make everyone else happy - i know how much my man is into her, and i know that he isn't willing to have an independent relationship with her, so if i'm not into it.... it's over. Too much freakin responsibility, but if I cant handle being around the two of them, i wonder if i'm just not cut out for this whole thing. y'know? I like the idea, but now that i'm in the middle of it i seem to just be the lamest ever at this.

Sigh. Big sigh. Double sigh. I'm on a break right now, taking space, hubby is stressing about whether he should take space (doesn't want to, jsut wants to keep on hookin' up, y'know, but he's a good guy, and doesn't want to mess me up, is just in love and can't really help how he's feeling trapped too.)

UGH. LE BIG UGH. Where's the handbook? I would SERIOUSLY like a counsellor who specializes in poly. Anyone know of a skyper that would chat about this? Feeling like a loser, as this was MY FREAKIN' IDEA and its exploded like hairspray on a plane.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
boundaries, guilt, time management, triad, triads, vee

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:39 AM.