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Old 01-30-2012, 12:45 AM
goldenlady goldenlady is offline
New Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: berlin
Posts: 3
Question swimming/drowning in triad land

hi there: totally new to poly-world until about 4-5 weeks ago, and since then, my life has been nothing short of a roller-coaster (with thrills, agony, and everything in between.)

My soul-mate husband of 12 years (I'll call him G) "came out of the closet" as being poly (had never acted upon it....it's just his nature), and I found out that him and his good girlfriend (I'll call her Z) were in love with one another: on one hand, my ego totally crushed, and on the other hand I felt this shift inside myself: if he is poly, that means it's also safer to open my heart to others as well (something I secretly feared)...I'm not really interested in other men (because my man is absolutely amazing and perfect for me), but the thought of perhaps having a sensual/sexual relationship with a woman was an idea that was sparked (and was shared with my partner)...

Fast Forward through some CRAZY INTENSE personal processes: after having a nervous breakdown in front of both G & Z while getting in tune with a deep rooted fear of being abandoned (which is not the case: G is totally committed to me for life, and Z totally wants no stress for me...she's a really lovely soul)...after this vulnerable breakdown, my heart told me to pose a desire to Z (G had already known that I had this): that I would also like to be intimate with her as well...the vision of the golden triangle. She was open to it (both her and I have never even kissed a woman before)....I put myself on the line, and was pleased with this potential...

And there is real "golden triangle" potential here: we're all quite compatible spiritually, emotionally, intellectually & even sexually...

I do feel though insecure though that she is more into G than myself...and as I've read all over these forums, this is normal....no 2 relationships are the same, blah blah blah....but it could be that I am totally emotionally drained from these SUPER intense last 5 weeks, but I just feel so damn insecure, and am wondering what sort of nightmare situation I am now in...my insecurity with my own self is at an all time low right now, so I know that I am seeing this through very negative vision...

I am sharing this because of this downward spiral inside myself....I never thought that this whole situation would bring out the absolute best in me, and the absolute worst in me (jealousy, depression, lack of self confidence).....not quite sure even why I am sharing this...just feeling sort of alone....

I'm trying to wake up and smell the coffee of my current reality ( a reality that could be quite amazing really)...also still letting go of how my life used to be (really stable in a mono relationship)....I really REALLY need to take good care of myself, because in my current state of being, I am WAY vulnerable....

Thanks for reading...any advise is warmly welcomed!!!!!!!!!
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lessons, triad

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