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  #31  
Old 01-29-2012, 06:02 AM
newguy newguy is offline
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Ok...degrading to PK...

Let me say this, PK would never use anyone (male or female) as a sex buddy...yes, she is trying to see if she could have an intimate relationship with a woman...will it lead to sex?
So did you read this part???? I mean before you posted the below???


Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
And degrading to the other person she'd be a "fuck buddy' with. You have to think about the other person, too. It's not just about you and PK when there's another person.

That was another major point of Vixtoria's post. From the point of view of the woman PK would get involved with, if PK really wanted a relationship with a man but got involved with a woman just because she wasn't "allowed" to have a man, that woman would feel used and unimportant. No one wants to be second choice.
I think you did read it all...so I would assume that the statement still saying PK would even have a "fuck buddy" was just a filler to get your next part in...

OK, you say "no one wants to be second choice" but most Poly relationship have a primary (husband or wife) and a SECONDary...or thirdary ect.

Or...are you now trying to say that Vixtoria was trying to say that because PK is exploring the possibility of loving another woman...and IF they (PK and the other woman) falls in love with each other, the other woman should feel used because PK didn't know she could love a woman until it happened?....

Or...could it be that you needed another way of saying that I won't "allow" PK to be with another man...have you been reading my thoughts? PK is "allowed" to love whomever she choses.

You see, I thought your first comment of explaining Vixtoria statement made sense (even though it may or may not be accurate because Vixtoria is the only one who KNOWS what she meant)...but this comment on what was Vixtoria's major points, sounds more like your instead of hers....

Either way, I'll say again...PK would never have sex with anyone just for the sake of having sex...that with a male, female, or hermapherdite (sp)
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  #32  
Old 01-29-2012, 06:35 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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No, I get what you're saying. What I wrote was just an illustration. I know you've said she can do what she wants, and you would rather leave her than be poly but you can't leave because it hurts too much, so you want her to decide. And I know she's said she will be with a woman, even though vaginas scare her, because she feels like being with a man would hurt you too much.

What I wrote was just to illustrate a point, and everything we're saying is hypothetical. If this, if that... you know?

And we are not criticizing her or you, but we are critiquing an approach you two are considering. There are plenty of members here who are in relationships together, and it isn't criticism to talk to one person about the other, to help solve a problem. We all know both of you can read the thread. Now, critiquing is different from criticizing, it is just a way of talking about good points and bad points about something. Try to understand that everyone here shares opinions to be helpful.

So, my explanation was an illustration IF she felt she wasn't allowed to be with a man and chose to be with a woman. Because she thought you could live better with that instead. And that is almost the same as if you were forbidding her because...

Either way, the woman she chooses to be with would not be her first choice. PK would rather be with a guy, so the woman is second. Like, saying, "I want vanilla ice cream, but all they have is chocolate, so I guess I'll have chocolate." That is what I meant by "no one wants to be second choice." It has nothing to do with "primary," or "secondary," it has everything to do with not being the first choice someone wants. Would you like it if someone walked up to you and said, "I'd really rather be with that guy over there, but you'll do." It's making a compromise to have less than what you want, and the person you're settling for feels like shit about it, too. Get it?
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 01-29-2012 at 08:06 AM. Reason: changed flavors of ice cream
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  #33  
Old 01-29-2012, 07:33 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Like, saying, "I want vanilla ice cream, but all they have is vanilla, so I guess I'll have that." That is what I meant by "no one wants to be second choice."
I think you meant, 'I want chocolate, but all that's available is vanilla. So, I'll have vanilla.'

?
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  #34  
Old 01-29-2012, 07:50 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NovemberRain View Post
I think you meant, 'I want chocolate, but all that's available is vanilla. So, I'll have vanilla.'
Oops, I see my mistake. Now I edited it to reflect my first choice: vanilla. I've been known to turn down ice cream altogether, if I couldn't have vanilla.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 01-29-2012 at 07:53 AM.
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  #35  
Old 01-29-2012, 01:36 PM
Icewraithonyx Icewraithonyx is offline
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I'm a little curious. Is there a reason the issue of additional relationships, in whatever form, cannot be "postponed" for a little while? Do these decisions have to be made right now?

A lot of people introduce polyamory as a concept, let it rest for awhile, and then continue the discussion later, if needed. Or if this is a deal-breaker, decide whether to stay together or not.

I think Newguy already made his position clear about additional relationships: no. If PK still needs polyamory, she needs a different fiance. If she needs Newguy, she needs to give up non-monogamy.

My 2 cents.
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  #36  
Old 01-29-2012, 01:36 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Just a quick note, NYCindie had it right. As far as what I found degrading. Just sex is cool as long as everyone is on the same page. Have at it! Feeling you are in a relationship with someone because they can't have what they want so they took you is like being picked last in dodgeball. It sucks.

As I said, I've read all the threads so far and reading them all the understanding you get is that PK wants to be able to have a relationship with a man. To do this, to explore this part of herself she wanted YOU to have a relationship with a woman. That approach was critiqued as not the best one. Later it was stated that you were uncomfortable with her having an intimate relationship with another man, your boundary and that's fine, so she decided she would try with a woman. That approach was critiqued as not a good one.


Finally, the thing about primary and secondary? Please don't be fooled into thinking that meant someone is put into a second place or not as important or even just settled for. Most poly people would be unhappy that is your assumption. Labels are just that, labels, they are short hand for explaining something much more complicated. For many of us, we use the term primary simply because of how entangled our lives are. For example, the person you live with, share finances with, children with, own property with might be your primary but that does not make your other 'secondary' relationship any less. There is no 'who would you choose?' going on.

Each relationship is CHOSEN, we don't just date anyone that sparks our interest or we find attractive. When having multiple relationships you are multiplying the work of a relationship to the nth degree sometimes! So every relationship is chosen, not settled for.


** Disclaimer**
(Yes I was talking in the general 'we' at the end. No this is not true for everyone. It is, like many things, a generalization. Welcome to individuality! Can't fit us all in a box! We are the platypi!)
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  #37  
Old 01-31-2012, 06:00 PM
newguy newguy is offline
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Default 18 and a wake up!!!

MY THOUGHTS....
18 days until I see PK.....

Not sure if I'm looking forward to our first face-to-face discussion on Poly...but it has to happen...

I think, (MY THOUGHTS ONLY) that if we would have had the initial conversation in person, I would have been more incline to 'try' it because when we are together, I haven't be able to bring myself to say no to any of her requests...but, this is a big one...not sure if my feelings would have let her have her way. One would never know...

But, I'm glad that she knows where I stand and I know where she stands...I love her and never want to be without her...

END MY THOUGHTS
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  #38  
Old 01-31-2012, 06:43 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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There is nothing wrong with saying "Hey, you caught me off guard and I had a knee jerk reaction. Let's start this discussion from the beginning now that we have both had more time to think about things." Keep it civil and agree to take a break when things start getting out of hand. Both of you need to remember small baby steps, your not trying to reach the top of the mountain the first day out, you are only trying to go the first 1/4 mile or so. Do NOT let the whole visit be about this one topic, HAVE FUN TOGETHER !
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  #39  
Old 02-07-2012, 03:57 PM
newguy newguy is offline
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Default 10 Days and a Wake Up...Am I Poly?

MY THOUGHTS

10 days and a wake up before I see MY (possesive) PK!!!!

PK sent me my clearance letter today...I'm allowed to "come in the country"...It still schocks me that I have to get permission to enter another country from my country...and I'm not talking about a passport...got that, I'm talking about "yes, you CAN come to this country that is not our" type of premission. I mean, this would be like me telling someone, "I'm going over to Jim's house to stay; althought Jim say you can come, you have to ask me first"...but I digress, why?... Cause I love my country and wouldn't trade it for the world!!!!

Anyway, I went on a platonic (sp) date (with a friend of PK and I) this weekend...needed a date for the Mardi Gras Ball...I attend the ball with my Motorcycle Club members and their significant (who all know PK) and got mixed reviews about bringing another woman around...but when I explained that PK knew and that this was not a sexual/intimate thing and that we (PK, my date, and I) are all friends; it seemed to reassure some...but a couple of them was still doubtful.

The ball was Great...my date was charming and made a great 'accessory' to my...well to me! Now, knowing how PK don't like to dance and I do...this would be a good situation, I have 'accessories' (dates) for dancing (and going to events PK don't want too) without sex...

My thought was, "Is this Poly?...it's a relationship, but not intimate or sexual."...My answer is Nope, not Poly...just friends...but hell, until this year I had no idea what poly was...so what do I know.

In fact, I do have that situation...I have another friend (Tee); her and I often go to events that PK don't want to attend, PK and her are friends, and I love her in a sisterly way...everyone see us together and thinks we are a couple until they see PK, Tee, and I are out and I'm all over PK...

Tee and I have a loving relationship where she tells me that she loves me and I realize that I feel the same; but not in a sexual way (mainly because she don't do oral, giving or receiving; i'm big on giving oral, like recieving it too)...Anyway, Tee and I took our kids (hers and mine) on vacation to Six Flags (PK didn't want to go)...Tee even threw PK a going away party before her deployment.

Am I Poly and didn't know it?....I wonder.

END MY THOUGHTS
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  #40  
Old 02-07-2012, 04:02 PM
newguy newguy is offline
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Default It was a joke

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10 days and a wake up before I see MY (possesive) PK!!!!
Hey, I forgot to say this statement was a joke only based on another post...please read as such....

Thanks in Advance,

NG
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