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Old 11-17-2009, 05:52 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Default The Downside of self Discovery

I had a good talk with Redpepper today referencing things that go through my mind about our relationship. By all accounts we have an extremely loving relationship and a dynamic with such natural flow it almost seems too good to be true at times. Like any relationship it has compromise. Polyfidelity is the core of my health in our relationship. I look at her and her husband and because I love them as one entity I actually donít feel like I am in a poly relationship. Their friend and tertiary is my friend as well. He is simply there.

Throughout this journey I have discovered more and more about myself. A lot of it was about communication and sexuality. I thought perhaps my self-discovery would lead to more openness for Redpepper with respect to the inclusion of other men in her life. I thought that perhaps I would re-evaluate what my poly friends consider to be insecurities about sharing her with future lovers. I thought perhaps I was insecure in not wanting her to share that part of herself with other men.

My self-discovery has taught me that I am in fact more monogamous than even I had thought. I have let go of the idea that asking for sexual fidelity is a sign of insecurity. For me it is a sign of commitment. I accept that my views are not in line with poly thinking and understand why. Seeing sexual fidelity as a sign of insecurity enables the principles of polyamory. Seeing sexual fidelity as a sign of commitment enables the principles of monogamy. I accept both for what they are and do not need to argue if one is better than the other or more evolved because neither is. They simply are what they need to be for individual people to live true to their nature and preferred approach to loving.

I have constantly debated the unfairness of my boundaries and repeatedly looked at the options. I do this with a huge error in my approach to this. I debated this issue within myself with the perception that I know what Redpepper wants. I see her wanting co-habitation with her husband and me; each with our own space. I also see her expecting me to evolve and accept other men into her life with time. Whether that becomes reality is yet to be seen but the point of error is that I am making assumptions.

I donít want to be in a fluid open relationship where I give myself totally to one person and they are open to bring other men into their lives. I admit that I actually donít want this. Although I have somehow naturally taken to what we have and happy within our boundaries, I do not want to a partner who I can expect to share with other men.

I would rather fore go the physical intimacy of our relationship to nurture the friendship, which is beyond any I have ever had. Physical intimacy is the pinnacle of intimate communication for me but is still not worth risking the soul connection I feel with her.

So now I feel almost like a walking ultimatum. We all know that if someone gives you an ultimatum the choice should not be in his or her favour. So here I am. My mere boundaries feel like an ultimatum to me. I am so black and white in how I approach my boundaries I again feel like this is unfair. I have no give, no bending. I donít feel it in me to compromise my need for this boundary because it is a path to not being myself. I just found myself and refuse to let that go. I in turn see this inability to compromise as being an infringement on Redpepperís ability to be herself. And so the cycle continues within me and again it is in error because it does not actually factor in her desires.

Redpepperís friendship is first. Our physical expression and the intimate expression of the love we have come second to me. She, as a friend, is more important than us, as a couple.

What are the affects of this? I move towards the future but there is hesitancy. I worry that I will hurt her. I imagine us living together later and her doing what is in her nature and rightly so. I imagine her coming to me to open up my heart enough to accept a new man into her life. I feel myself reshaping my love for her in that moment. I am so black and white and imagine myself hurting her because I donít want to hold her back but canít accept this path. So I give her everything...except me. Now we are so close and integrated it is even more difficult to let go of that aspect of our connection.

Might I change in the future? Anything can happen. I used to want to change; to be something different and develop a different nature. I donít want to change anymore. I want to find my place in this life and in hers as I am, who I am and with as much positive presence in her life as I can be.

The core of this has just dawned on me! My journey into self-discovery, growth, and awareness is not about enabling me to take a desired path. It is in fact to uncover what my path really is!
I always see Redpepper on that path sharing the journey with me and guiding me when I get turned around, pushing me when I get scaredÖ.WOOOHOOO!!

Whatís a mono vanilla cracker to doÖ


Peace and Love
Mono
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Old 11-17-2009, 06:09 AM
JonnyAce JonnyAce is offline
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This post was absolutely beautiful. I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate you opening up to us "strangers"
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Old 11-17-2009, 06:11 AM
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Apparently that is what this is all about....and not all of us are that "strange" to each other

Thanks Johny
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Old 11-17-2009, 06:14 AM
JonnyAce JonnyAce is offline
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
....and not all of us are that "strange" to each other

Thanks Johny
fair enough, i hope to, one of these days, be less of a stranger to everyone here
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Old 11-17-2009, 06:39 AM
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I agree. I think it's terrific that you are so willing to look at yourself.

Quote:
Seeing sexual fidelity as a sign of insecurity enables the principles of polyamory. Seeing sexual fidelity as a sign of commitment enables the principles of monogamy.
This is interesting. I never thought of it that way. I understand exactly how this makes sense.

Quote:
I imagine her coming to me to open up my heart...
I don't know if it's what you meant, but I'm picturing part of what you love so much about redpepper is her nature and ability to open you up. This is so beautiful.
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Old 11-17-2009, 06:47 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by rolypoly View Post

I don't know if it's what you meant, but I'm picturing part of what you love so much about redpepper is her nature and ability to open you up. This is so beautiful.
I was refering to her asking me to expand my love for her to embrace her love for another man. But you are right..she has opened me up to a depth of relationship that is unprecedented. I am blessed in her willingness to accept me
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Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 11-17-2009 at 07:08 AM.
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Old 11-17-2009, 07:36 AM
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I'm glad that you wrote this Mono I will find it interesting to see what others think as I have told you all I can about what I think and feel.

I am not interested in anyone else and look forward to a long, happy future with you. I have no idea how it will be in terms of arrangements but all I know is that I trust in fate and destiny. I have no control over them.

There is something big in store for us and that is what I rest easy on. I trust you entirely regardless of what life path you have been on. What else can I do? I'm in love with you and love you. I have to be as open as I am because there is nothing I can do about that and I never "do" love half ass. I'm all in. I'm giving you everything I've got because I believe in the future. I just happen to be able to give two men everything I have and a good friend what he needs also.... and my son and a bunch of other close friends too, in a friendly way. I love doing that and not only am I able to do that, I can do it no other way.
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Old 11-17-2009, 07:41 AM
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I think you are getting through to me Lilo...for real...I might be getting it. The possibilities seem so...well possible. The dawn of a new era? Dare I get excited and let myself fall into it? I hope so because I know I am missing out in not taking that plunge..there is so much to you
I love you
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Old 11-17-2009, 01:21 PM
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I've been thinking about the word fidelity a lot recently. For myself (and again, I stress that this if for myself), fidelity is not synonymous with exclusive. I know that some people may consider this semantics, but I think there's something behind using a word that means faithfulness and loyalty and then saying that that word cannot apply to non-exclusive relationships. For me, it's a mono-centric view of the word. But thinking that way has made me have to unpack exactly what what fidelity is in a relationship if it does not mean exclusivity to me. This is what I've come up with so far, and it's still a work in progress.
  • With fidelity, I know that my partner loves me holds my needs to be important.
  • With fidelity, I know that my partner will consider my feelings before he or she acts.
  • With fidelity, I know that my partner is committed to a long term sustainable partnership with me.
  • With fidelity, I know that my partner will make choices that keep us and our partnership healthy.

These are just my own thoughts and feelings on the idea of fidelity.
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Old 11-17-2009, 02:44 PM
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Default Lovely to witness

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Might I change in the future? Anything can happen. I used to want to change; to be something different and develop a different nature. I donít want to change anymore. I want to find my place in this life and in hers as I am, who I am and with as much positive presence in her life as I can be.

The core of this has just dawned on me! My journey into self-discovery, growth, and awareness is not about enabling me to take a desired path. It is in fact to uncover what my path really is!
I always see Redpepper on that path sharing the journey with me and guiding me when I get turned around, pushing me when I get scaredÖ.WOOOHOOO!!
Don't you love it when that happens!! I frequently find little parts of the "answer" when expressing myself to others.

It is so true what you said about self-discovery - it's hard to separate internal and external motivations sometimes, but yes, I believe it's all there inside of us. Having a love like you and RP are blessed to have that is based on very strong and healthy self-love just makes it that much clearer. The way I see you two reflecting each other is beautiful.

I feel a little jealous-I mean full of compersion!
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