So here i am..
Hello All -
I just signed up on the forum and am looking for advice on my situation...so here is my background:
Wife and I have been swinging for the past 10 years. During that time we had a 3rd child (much younger than the other 2) that put a "hold" on the lifestyle for a bit, but came back to it a few years ago. The pregnancy brought on many health issues for her, which has mainly led to her being "laid up" frequently and not being able to keep up with me in my active life. I am not much of a sit-around kind of guy, tend to be on the go almost always. So...this led to us growing apart a bit. I'm on the go, she's not so often.
We were openly swinging, but we had never had what either of us would consider a "relationship" with another...until last year. I met someone else about 6 months ago one night, we hit off, and became good friends very quickly. We met at a casino playing poker, and ended up staying up and eating breakfast at 6am. I got home "early" in the morning, told my wife about her, it was all in the open. I kept seeing this girl, and then spending time over at her house, and we became close and started sleeping together. Everything was in the open, wife was very aware of what was happening.
Of course this all made for a bunch of interesting emotions coming up from all over. I had much of the NRE going on that I hadn't experienced for many many years, and it made me really question things going on in my life. Wife was being accepting, and we both loved the fact that our sex life was improving greatly (turns out that poly is great for your sex life) as I was more excited by everything going on and it really made me feel closer to my wife knowing that she was accepting of what was going on.
Then...things got bad for my wife. I was having sleepovers at GF's house frequently, and spending a lot of time with her. Although the time spent with my wife was closer and more loving than had been recently, I wasn't spending much time with her. So there were negative emotions coming out from one side, and positive from the other, and I further questioned my life. By the way, turning 40 next year...looks like this is the story of my midlife crisis?
Anyway, big upheaval, turmoil, etc. from all directions. I spent a few days away from home, reflected a bunch, and wife told me to come home. She said that she didn't want me out of the house and it was more important for me to be home than anything else. No questions asked, she wanted me back. This touched me, and was the start of us growing back closer and we are much closer, happier, and loving than we have been in years. Hooray for the happy ending!
OK...well, that isn't quite the end. I'm still seeing GF. GF was upset that I spent so much time with her and then backed off to spend more time with my wife again, but she has become much more accepting of the situation as well now. If it weren't for this being a new situation for all of us and us all getting rather confused about things we would probably be a lot better right now, but it is a little hard to put everything behind us now as both wife and GF were impacted by what went on during my big time of confusion.
Shortly after re-committing to my wife and moving back in (hard to call it that really, I was only gone a few days) she decided that she was not OK with me having sleepovers at GF's house anymore. This was something that caused a great upset for GF, but I made a decision that my marriage was more important to me than anything else through this and I agreed to that condition. I believe her biggest reason for this "rule" is that she is concerned that with sleepovers I might become too close and entangled and distant again. Truth is we are very close and entangled already, but I do understand that there is a special closeness that you get from spending the night and waking up together. The other part of this is that she would like me to be home with her at night, and it is hard not to dwell on the fact that I am out of the house with another woman while she is laying in bed by herself.
One big problem here is that this was something that sleepovers were treated as OK from the beginning, and GF doesn't like the fact that it was taken away from her. She has "put up" with it since then, but we have not had a sleepover for months and she is not happy about that.
The biggest problem for me in this whole situation is the absolute division between lives for me. Wife would love to "meet" GF, but they never have officially met. She has seen her from afar a few times when we were all at the Casino together, but never spoke. GF has no interest in meeting my wife. She started out being very apprehensive about the idea of dating a married man, but she is OK with that now. But she still doesn't want to meet wife. I am not trying to get them to hook up or anything (wife is bi, wouldn't mind it, but not my intention) but I would LOVE for us to all be able to sit down together and talk.
Everyone is accepting of each other in this situation in that we can talk openly about each other, but this division is difficult and quite plainly feels wrong. I have been concerned about this all along, but hoped that as she became more open to the fact that I am a married man she would be more open to meeting my wife. This has not happened. She doesn't think there is any need for her to meet my wife, she wants to be with me. We have discussed this several times and her main concern that she has voiced is that I would not be the same person in regards to her when my wife was around. I would not treat her the same, and it would be weird for her, and I do get that. Obviously it would not be the same. But I don't think it would be awful either.
Why do I want them to meet? For one, I feel that even though there is a level of acceptance, the disconnect between things is a little hard. Treats it like a dark secret, which I don't want or need this to be. I don't need extra stress in my life. Also, I would like to be able to spend more time with both of them...again, not necessarily in the bed, but socially. They both love playing board games, which I have brought up many times as something we could all do together to get to know each other, but GF is still not OK with that and is put off every time I mention it.
A few nights ago wife and I were going out for some drinks/dessert at a restaurant. GF contacts me to see if can come over. I tell her what we are up to, invite her to come join us. We would both like her to, but she of course declines. I am not badgering her on this, there is no point to do so, but I do bring it up here and there as a possible social connection in an attempt to hopefully bring her around to the idea.
So...is this healthy? Should I say that this is something that I need? I feel that long term this is not a good situation if she is unwilling to meet my wife. If that is true, and this is doomed to failure, should I give an ultimatum? I don't want to continue down a road that is no good long term. I love spending time with her and being a part of her life, and she has been a truly great friend of mine...but this might just not be a life that is good for her, and if so I would rather encourage her to search out a more "standard" relationship.