How did I get here & Where am I going?

[bassman]

Lots of hugs here. Ive not finished reading, I'm only up to page 8 and I really enjoy the way you think, and write. Please keep it up !

[bassman]

Ive finished reading, and I'd really like to know where you are now.

I hope you have a moment to write down you feelings and your thinking here. Even if there's no "news" as such, what are you thinking? What are you processing?

[ImaginaryIllusion]

Originally Posted by bassman

I hope you have a moment to write down you feelings and your thinking here. Even if there's no "news" as such, what are you thinking? What are you processing?

Thanks, though at the moment I've been distracting myself with illness, computer games, and house projects...no nothing blog worthy yet.

There's a quick diversion here though from an episode over the weekend to do with online dating...fun times.

Lube.

[ImaginaryIllusion]

It’s been a while since the last post...and I’m not sure if I’ve actually done much about the personal inventory or whatnot...I’ve mostly been in a bit of a funk, kinda listless, and procrastinating. I don’t think it’s by any means the sole and direct result of the breakup with my gf. I don’t deny that might have been a contributing factor, but there have also been a lot of other elements that also contributed. A year of my job sucking for example...and somewhere along the line I think I might have a mid-life crisis scheduled. It’s possible the accident resulted in a quick trailer preview of that episode. I’ve been mostly sculling about the house getting fat...er, dumb, and not really happy. Not with myself anyways.


Life goes on and I’ve just been treading water I guess, keeping up appearances. My wife has been awesome, but I think she’s about fed up with me...and would rather I got out of the house and started living again or something. I’ve been staying at home a lot while she goes out with her friends and her extra-curricular activities...and like a typical wife and mother, starts feeling all guilty that she’s having fun and I’m at home. Silly rabb...er...wifey. But for the most part, I’ve enjoyed being at home. One of the few sources of pure joy I’ve had these days is the kids. They’re growing up into pure awesome. My son isn’t even 8, and already has more charisma and mojo than I ever had. My daughter is going to be very strong willed and independent pirate princess...assuming I ever let her out of the dungeon... and the both of them are smart enough to make my wife and I look like idiots one day. (Probably the same day they out us to the in-laws.) I’ve spent enough time away from home in recent years that I think I’m just making up for lost time before I get called away again.


In most respects though...I seem to have lost the spark. The driving force that allows me to focus in on whatever I’m working on at the time. It’s happened on different things over the years...gaming, girls (especially the one who would become my wife), my job (until it started to suck), unicorn hunting, poly, ...I don’t think I get to add guitar since I still suck so bad I can’t say I ever focused on it. It’s not an exhaustive or complete list, but nothing right now really fires me up the way it used to. Not in the positive ways anyways. There’s still lots of things that’ll piss me off ...but that just means I’m probably still breathing, and lately I’ve been less hesitant about acting on that...which is a positive since it means I apparently starting care about something again. (Thanks to SG for helping me out with this one)


So last night my wife kicked me out of the house to attend the local 101...and while initially hesitant, I ended up being very glad she did. To my surprise they were still checking in when I got there, talking about what was going on in their lives, and asking of the universe to manifest...I’m not sure I entirely understood it. I don’t really talk to the universe...or ask it for anything...unless it has to do with lottery tickets. There were several full or filling cup analogies being used...which at a pub is very appropriate given the state of ones beer glass. As usual I didn’t say much...as I missed most of the sharing, and there was a few people I didn’t know as well as others, and if I started I might not have shut up. So I kept it to myself, but the analogy struck a chord that stuck with me for the rest of the night, so I figured I’ll just sleep on it and share it here instead...on a public...forum, full of ...virtual ...people, and anonymous... google... ... search... ... ... strangers....hmm, something about this plan wasn’t very well thought through, was it?!


I had been operating under the impression that I needed to figure out my priorities. After the breakup with K, there were still many things in my life to occupy my time and energies. I haven’t been in a big rush to fill the gap as it were with another relationship. Unlike a couple years ago, the prospect of cruising OKC for possible dates just doesn’t seem like something I need to spend time on. I don’t seem to have an insatiable need of, “I’m poly, so therefore I must have at least two partners at all times!” But still the time and energy I had been spending on my relationship with K was available for redistribution between friends, hobbies, vocations, entertainment, or whatever. So all I needed to do was re-sort these things into a new set of priorities and carry on. But it hasn’t been working out that way. Is it because there’s no spark to motivate me? Have I still not let go of the past? Do I even deserve to move on? Is what I have left to give even worth anything to anyone else? Whenever I’ve tried to re-organize anything, I’ve quickly been overwhelmed by the sense of there being too many projects or directions, and I don’t know where to start. It’s kind of like my office, or the basement...it’s a bloody mess. It’s so full, that takes a long time to figure out not only where to start, but even how to find the space to organize anything, very much like Towers of Hanoi.


And that’s where the discussions about everyone enjoying their full cups really hit me...tell me if you’ve heard this one before...

A university professor went to visit a famous Zen master. While the master quietly served tea, the professor talked about Zen. The master poured the visitor's cup to the brim, and then kept pouring.

The professor watched the overflowing cup until he could no longer restrain himself.

"It's overfull! No more will go in!" the professor blurted.

"You are like this cup," the master replied, "How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup."

Like the Universe, I don’t really understand Zen either. But the point that struck home was that I have too many priorities, opinions, assumptions, distractions, feelings, residuals, hang-ups, routines, desires, fears, fantasies, insecurities, plans, etc...just a mass of mental clutter. I need to empty my cup.
(Thanks to the 101 folks for talking about their relationships with beer!)


I saw K around Christmas, and I’ve occasionally seen glimpses into what challenges she’s been meeting over the last couple months through social networking. I still get twinges of regret that I’m not in a position to help her out with any of it. But it’s a journey she needs to take, and I think it’s pretty clear now that I’m not a part of that venture. The path she needs to take isn’t really one that I would be able to, or truth be told, want to follow. There’s been no resolution per se as to actions, or discussions about how our romantic relationship ended, and it could be there never will be. Time has passed, and I’ve done whatever processing and grieving I’ve needed to do. The anger and hurt has passed with it. What’s been left unsaid can probably remain so indefinitely. All I can go is let her go with love and my best wishes for her future. I remain her friend with concern for her well being, and I’ll always be grateful for our time together, the love we shared, and everything I’ve been able to learn from her, and our relationship. And I continue to hope that my presence in her life is similarly positive.

I am Jack’s Emptier Cup

What’s next?

I think I’ll be carrying on with this for a while...wash, rinse, repeat, until I can say “I am Jack’s Empty Cup!” If it’s anything like previous occasions that I’ve done a Ten Year overhaul, it’ll also mean some new clothes, and a new hat. Maybe I’ll get to the end of this and actually have something to offer another person again, or be worth another person loving again.
(I should clarify that this isn’t self-deprecation for the sake of attention whoring, gaining pity party points, or suggesting I’m broken or damaged. And this isn’t based on the breakup or other recent events. It’s from well before that, a cumulative collection of crap from a lifetime of experiences, not all of which have been resolved. I am Jack’s sense of severe disappointment and disgust at his own reflection. )

My wife is a dear and seems to love me no matter what...but that’s what she gets for marrying so far beneath herself. There won’t be much I can do to change that, but perhaps I can at least narrow the gap a little. And there I go filling the damn cup again...yeah, this might take a while.


This brings me around to another element of eastern philosophy I’ve always found interesting, but only sometimes understand.

Originally Posted by Miyamoto Musashi

The meaning of emptiness is that the realm where nothing exists, or cannot be known, is seen as empty. Of course emptiness does not exist. By knowing what exists, you can know that which does not exist. That is emptiness.

People in this world look at things mistakenly, and think that what they do not understand must be emptiness. This is not true emptiness. It is delusion.

...

What you believe in often proves to be contrary to the true way, distorted as it is by personal biases and the individual warps in your vision. Know this well, and try to act with forthrightness as the foundation and keep the true Heart as the Way.

...

Then you will come to see things in an all-encompassing sense and, taking emptiness as the Way, you will see the Way as emptiness.

In emptiness is virtue, and no evil. Wisdom exists, principle exists, the way exists, mind is Empty.

So that’s the plan:

Step 1. Empty my Cup.

Step 2.?? (Maybe this is somewhere along the line when I’m worth loving again...perhaps some lovely’s will find me interesting enough to try dating. And maybe my wife will want to keep me around again instead of kicking me out. )

Step 3. Profit! ...or I guess in my case...Lube!

[SourGirl]

Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion

There’s still lots of things that’ll piss me off ...but that just means I’m probably still breathing, and lately I’ve been less hesitant about acting on that...which is a positive since it means I apparently starting care about something again. (Thanks to SG for helping me out with this one)

The first read of this, I read it like I was helpful in pissing you off. LOL.....'Pissing people off effectively, since 1976,.....'

I had no idea you could play guitar as poorly as me. I sing even worse. Let`s jam with earplugs sometime.

[ImaginaryIllusion]

Originally Posted by SourGirl

The first read of this, I read it like I was helpful in pissing you off. LOL.....'Pissing people off effectively, since 1976,.....'

I had no idea you could play guitar as poorly as me. I sing even worse. Let`s jam with earplugs sometime.

Yeah, no....that was in reference to a bunch of stuff in the two paragraphs before...not about making me cranky.

And making beaut...er, horrible musi....er, noise together sounds like great fun!

[opalescent]

II,

I'm sorry you are having a difficult time. Your description of feeling like you have lost your mojo reminds me of myself several years ago. I too lost interest in just about everything, had no sexual spark, work was tedious and I felt trapped. This is when my relationship with Beaker started to fray.

There was a lot going on in my life that contributed but part of it was that my hormones were fucked up. Hormonal issues can cause what you describe experiencing or they can make a difficult time in life worse by eroding physical and emotional resilience. Have you had your hormones checked? Men go through hormonal changes too. Just a thought and I wish you the best.

[dolphindream]

I wish I could hear more from a mans point of view. My guy is really good about reassuring me that he loves me and will never leave me butit is hard as a woman to not feel " lees than" at times. He has more than a few women and it gets hard when I am alone alot. Thanks for sharing all of your hard work. It has made me feel much more optimistic about my relationship with him. Keep up the good work!

[ImaginaryIllusion]

Originally Posted by opalescent

There was a lot going on in my life that contributed but part of it was that my hormones were fucked up. Hormonal issues can cause what you describe experiencing or they can make a difficult time in life worse by eroding physical and emotional resilience. Have you had your hormones checked? Men go through hormonal changes too. Just a thought and I wish you the best.

I'm hoping it's not that...I'm sure they'll get checked next time around at the doc's, but I'm not concerned enough about it to try justify a special trip.

Originally Posted by dolphindream

I wish I could hear more from a mans point of view. My guy is really good about reassuring me that he loves me and will never leave me butit is hard as a woman to not feel " lees than" at times. He has more than a few women and it gets hard when I am alone alot. Thanks for sharing all of your hard work. It has made me feel much more optimistic about my relationship with him. Keep up the good work!

I'm not sure what else specifically you'd like to hear about. Although I'm wondering if it's similar to reassurances I've made to my wife from time to time. Particularly at the beginning I realized that there shouldn't be a concern about "being replaced". Poly allows for the "as well as", vice "instead of".
Of course, logic, reason and discussion don't always do much to quell a lifetime of programming to the contrary.
At any rate, thanks for the feedback and support.

[ImaginaryIllusion]

Just had a lovely evening hanging out with the lovely poly folks in Winnipeg. I don't feel so bad about not being able to attend the one back home, and was able to get some pics to send back.

Not much else I can say right now, I need to get some sleep before the flight tomorrow. Hope everyone is enjoying their own slice of awesome.