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  #21  
Old 01-28-2012, 07:46 AM
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Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray View Post
Firstly, "need" and "all" are very absolute words. "strong desire for" and "most" would probably be more accurate. And maybe the OP and I do have dependency issues, but so? I probably have dependency issues, frankly, but I'm doing alright. The key is that I know myself, know what I need and want, and can communicate effectively enough to find partners that are ok with my needs and wants. Neither MC nor TGIB have a problem with the amount of alone time they get compared to together time, so what does it matter if I'm a little on the dependent side? Who am I hurting? I said I didn't like to be alone, not that I couldn't be alone. There's a big difference. The OP is saying she wants more time with her bf, not that she can't function without him. Also a big difference.
What does it matter if you're a little on the dependent side? Well, if it doesn't matter to you, and it doesn't matter to your partners, then it certainly doesn't matter to me.

Now myself, personally, I like to identify all the aspects of my character that can be improved, and then explore what I can do to make those improvements. I feel like that makes me constantly grow as a person. I also find that my relationships, work life, and frankly all aspects of my life seem to improve as I make positive changes in my own life. And I like it when things improve.

I would also like to point out that I did not refer to anyone in particular in my post. So any similarities you draw between my post and your life, and any need you feel to be defensive, are more indicative of your own insecurities and/or worries than they are of my judgement of you (of which there was none, as I do not know you from Jonah).

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If we meet all our needs ourselves what's the point of having any relationships? I agree putting all that burden on ONE person isn't fair. No one person should be the center of my world and reason for being, not even myself. I live for myself, my kids, my partners, my family, my friends, the kids I help at work...
I don't know... what's the point of eating chocolate if all my dietary needs can be met by the food pyramid? Oh right... because chocolate is awesome.
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  #22  
Old 01-28-2012, 03:23 PM
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Default Good advice for this Mono, too...

Just wanted to de-lurk and say that for this Mono, there's some great advice in this thread. Especially for someone who has a hard time letting go of the "white picket fence" ideal. A friend and coworker recently passed (unexpectedly) and it's been a bit of a wake-up call to enjoy what I have while I have it and not spend so much time and energy worrying about what the future will be like. This thread is a nice complement to that.
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  #23  
Old 01-28-2012, 04:05 PM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Maybe sit and think about what you need and what you would be willing to forgo in order to get somewhere close to seeing your needs met. Then go and tell him your struggles and give him some ideas on how you could feel more worthy and needed in your relationship by him. Ask him what he needs too.
The replies I've received here are helping me figure things out. I do think I need to let go more as you mention, it's not easy, but I'm trying. As for him, I think he's getting what he needs from the relationship, he seems happy. Although he has expressed liking the fantasy of all of us sharing a big house, I don't think us never living together bothers him. He is a seasoned poly...I'm still learning :P
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  #24  
Old 01-28-2012, 04:19 PM
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Originally Posted by gwendolenthefair View Post
What bothers me the most about being a secondary is having very little input in terms of who else my OSO dates.
---
Anyway OSO listened politely to my concerns, then told me he could take care of himself and not to worry. I dropped the issue, but I hate not having more input than that. If I was his wife, I know I would.
Well, My secondary has had one hookup since we started seeing each other. Nothing long lasting, just a weekend of visiting and a little 'fun' with a trusted female friend of his husband who lives a few hours away and is herself married. I must say the old mono jealousy made a come back. I worked through most if it myself, and talked with the b/f about feeling insecure prior to his trip to her area. He was very kind, offered me reassurances that we were solid and that she posed no threat to our relationship. She's a friend, not a long term prospect. He even offered to not sleep with her if it made me feel better. I declined.

In a more recent discussion (because she will be visiting this way in a month or so) he actually offered me veto. His regular mates have veto...though they pretty much never use it. He extended me the same privilege...I was touched. Then I turned it down. I don't want to change him and I trust him. The insecurity, that's my issue to work on, not his and the last thing I want is power over who he can be with... But man, this poly thing, it's not easy, lol.
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  #25  
Old 01-28-2012, 04:31 PM
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Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
Just wanted to de-lurk and say that for this Mono, there's some great advice in this thread.

This whole group has been so amazingly helpful to me, I'm sure they'll do the same for you. Glad you're here
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  #26  
Old 01-28-2012, 06:35 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Now myself, personally, I like to identify all the aspects of my character that can be improved, and then explore what I can do to make those improvements. I feel like that makes me constantly grow as a person. I also find that my relationships, work life, and frankly all aspects of my life seem to improve as I make positive changes in my own life. And I like it when things improve.
Whether you intend it that way or not, this comes off as a judgement. My point, though I'm aware you did not mention anyone by name, is that not everyone agrees with YOUR point of view that this is even something that necessarily needs improvement. I'm all for positive changes, and I work very hard on them also, but I don't agree that this is an area where YOUR perspective on dependency versus alone time is any better or more positive than mine. Yours works for you, mine works for me. That doesn't mean that I (and others) don't grow, improve, or make positive changes in other areas.

Quote:
I would also like to point out that I did not refer to anyone in particular in my post. So any similarities you draw between my post and your life, and any need you feel to be defensive, are more indicative of your own insecurities and/or worries than they are of my judgement of you (of which there was none, as I do not know you from Jonah).
I'm not being defensive. I'm pointing out reasons that an alternate viewpoint from your own could be just as valid. Yes, I responded because I had something to say based on my own life and experience. Isn't that the point of this forum?? With this comment it seems like you're trying to set me up as someone who needn't be listened to because I'm reacting out of insecurity or worry. Nice try, but my pointing out that YOUR way of doing things is not the only one, let alone the only "right" or "successful" one is far more for other people reading this thread than for you or I. You and I have what works for us, so my response are for others who may read what you wrote and take it too much to heart, without realizing it's not THE answer or THE way things are supposed to be
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  #27  
Old 01-29-2012, 12:30 AM
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Originally Posted by nouryia View Post
Well, My secondary has had one hookup since we started seeing each other. Nothing long lasting, just a weekend of visiting and a little 'fun' with a trusted female friend of his husband who lives a few hours away and is herself married. I must say the old mono jealousy made a come back. I worked through most if it myself, and talked with the b/f about feeling insecure prior to his trip to her area. He was very kind, offered me reassurances that we were solid and that she posed no threat to our relationship. She's a friend, not a long term prospect. He even offered to not sleep with her if it made me feel better. I declined.

In a more recent discussion (because she will be visiting this way in a month or so) he actually offered me veto. His regular mates have veto...though they pretty much never use it. He extended me the same privilege...I was touched. Then I turned it down. I don't want to change him and I trust him. The insecurity, that's my issue to work on, not his and the last thing I want is power over who he can be with... But man, this poly thing, it's not easy, lol.
What do you mean his mates have veto?

Good for you turning him down because you trust and don't want to change him. Veto's suck in my opinion. They do more harm than good in the long run as far as I can see. Its the illusion of power, really its an ultimatum of "my way or the highway." Not so loving and considerate if you were to ask me.... (interesting stuff to read on "veto" if anyone wants to look at the threads in a tag search).
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  #28  
Old 01-29-2012, 04:08 PM
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Red: Veto as in, if they do not like or have reservations about the person he intends on "getting to know better", they can ultimately say no go. But since they all act safe and cautious, this never really needs to happen. The wife told me that she used her veto only once in 7 years, with her other husband. My b/f offered me the same courtesy which I thought was very thoughtful. But ultimately, I don't think I'd need it, he's very respectful of his mates' and my feelings. So NOT the kind of veto where they could kick me to the curb anytime they want, lol.
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  #29  
Old 01-30-2012, 06:07 AM
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I don't know if I am following correctly but from what you was that wouldn't be a veto. If there is any chance that those involved would pass on concerns and info that others might not see by way of educating and passing on their feelings about a person, then that would be negotiation or communicating I think. not veto.

Semantics maybe? If no one is saying, "end it now or else," then its not veto.

Here is a thread on veto... I just hate to see people get hurt because they are using words that might not be portraying what it is they mean.... sorry, kind of off topic and I might of got what you said wrong, but FYI, just the same.
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  #30  
Old 01-30-2012, 04:12 PM
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I got curious and looked it up, only because English is not my first language.

According to Wiki, "A veto, Latin for "I forbid", is the power to unilaterally stop an official action."

I take veto to mean that they have to right to tell him "No. You don't get to date this person". But it could also be used to end a relationship after it started as in "No. You can't see them anymore." Either way, too much power that I don't want
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