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  #11  
Old 01-27-2012, 06:19 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Answer to 1) I agree with redpepper. Why is it such a big deal that she used text messaging? Not everyone is good at vocalizing. I trip all over my words when I try to say thing orally, and sometimes end up phrasing things poorly, in a way that hurts someone's feelings but wasn't at all what I intended. Then it seems like I'm back peddling or lying or changing my story, when really I'm just trying to phrase it the way it is in my head.

I'm an INTJ. That means I can't always put my thoughts into words. For me, writing them down, editing, re-editing, and re-re-editing helps me get them in the form that most closely matches what I'm thinking. At that point, it's easier to give the written copy to the person than read it out loud or something.

She was probably scared to death to tell you. It's a big bomb to drop, and I'm guessing text message was the only way she could get up the courage to do it. It's better than not telling you at all...

Answer to 2) I told my now-husband the day we got involved. He had spent the night (cuddling) and by morning it was obvious that it was something special. I've always known I was poly, and it was very important to me that he know that, so I told him outright. It helped that I was in another semi-relationship, and so I knew I didn't want to just drop that guy to be with my now-husband.

But that's also something of a luxury by a lot of standards. Not everyone is born knowing that monogamy is never going to cut it for them. It took me years to learn there's actually a word for it.

Now what I think about the rest of it. First of all, this alpha stuff sounds possessive. Some girls think it's sexy when their boyfriends get jealous, like it's supposed to mean they care or some crap. I think it comes across more like "I think you're my property, and I'm going to decide what my property is allowed to do."

You don't sound supportive of poly at all. That's perfectly fine and acceptable. If you don't like the idea of poly, then just come out and say so, don't pussy foot around it and pretend to be something you're not. That's lying to yourself and to everyone involved with you.

I also don't like her motives for encouraging you to be with someone else. If she wants to have other boyfriends, that should be the focus of her discussions. She'd might as well say she wants you to get a tattoo so that she can get one. It makes no sense.
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  #12  
Old 01-27-2012, 06:57 AM
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Originally Posted by IsobelR View Post
I don't quite agree with that. From personal experience, I believe that some are born poly and have a deep desire to live as such, whilst some can choose it. Myself and my boyfriend are very definitely in the first category. His wife, my girlfriend, agreed for me to be in his life, not wanting/anticipating a relationship beyond friendship for she and I. Months later, we're in a triad.
True enough, but he has said he is monogamous. As in, does not want other emotionally connected relationships. That isn't about poly dating or poly identity. He is not poly, period. At least that is what I am getting.

(I love it when people throw my theories back in my face. Wow, someone actually agreed with my theory about poly dating and poly identity somewhere along the line! Thanks for the feed back! Even if it was vicariously )
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  #13  
Old 01-27-2012, 12:12 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Answer to 1) I agree with redpepper. Why is it such a big deal that she used text messaging? Not everyone is good at vocalizing. I trip all over my words when I try to say thing orally, and sometimes end up phrasing things poorly, in a way that hurts someone's feelings but wasn't at all what I intended. Then it seems like I'm back peddling or lying or changing my story, when really I'm just trying to phrase it the way it is in my head.

I'm an INTJ. That means I can't always put my thoughts into words. For me, writing them down, editing, re-editing, and re-re-editing helps me get them in the form that most closely matches what I'm thinking. At that point, it's easier to give the written copy to the person than read it out loud or something.

She was probably scared to death to tell you. It's a big bomb to drop, and I'm guessing text message was the only way she could get up the courage to do it. It's better than not telling you at all...
I agree, sometimes telling people things through text is the best way that they can do it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
First of all, this alpha stuff sounds possessive. Some girls think it's sexy when their boyfriends get jealous, like it's supposed to mean they care or some crap.
I think it means that they're afraid of losing their partner. Which would mean that they do care about their partner, but it also means that fear is involved; and fear can be the root of things like anger. Personally, I think I can feel jealousy somewhat, but when I feel it, I analyze it; I remember the last time I felt it with my (now ex) girlfriend; she was with a close friend and the way they were talking to each other looked so intimate, I felt a twinge of jealousy. During a conversation later, I told her of my twinge. Her previous boyfriend, who was monogamous, had forbidden her to associate much with this guy, and she asked me if I wanted her to do this. I said, no no, it was more that I was envious of what he had with you. I later learned that this guy had wanted to have a sexual relationship wth my girlfriend. I told my girlfriend that this was fine; he seemed like a decent enough fellow. However, she also told me that he had a girlfriend who was apparently monogamous, after which I agreed with her that helping him cheat would not be a good idea. For a while after that, I actually began to get along with this guy, which I thought was great. However, as my relationship with my girlfriend soured, so did my relationship with him; he was clearly more her friend then mine.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I think it comes across more like "I think you're my property, and I'm going to decide what my property is allowed to do."
Yeah.. ever since I became polyamorous about 16 years ago, I've never been a fan of banning a partner from being with someone else of either gender, with one condition; this other person has to have a relationship with me that's manageable. If we hate each other and we're in close enough proximity to each other that sparks start flying, I just don't think it's going to work out; at which point, I may (and have, in the past), asked a partner to not be with that person, atleast for a time, or not be with me for a time; the bottom line is that having a partner who's with someone you dislike has a tendency of drawing 2 people who dislike each other in close proximity and that frequently really isn't a good thing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I also don't like her motives for encouraging you to be with someone else. If she wants to have other boyfriends, that should be the focus of her discussions. She'd might as well say she wants you to get a tattoo so that she can get one. It makes no sense.
It does, if she wants him to have someone else to be with while she's away with someone else. It could be seen as caring for how he's doing.
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  #14  
Old 01-27-2012, 05:15 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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First, I know sometimes writing is easier. For me, part of my issues are that I communicate differently when I speak, not as clearly, and words don't come out that I'm trying to find. It's difficult. So hubby and I use chat or text or email all the time. However, I found the whole, "I need you to be poly for me to grow." inappropriate. I remember saying something at the time. It's like saying you have to be a woman to understand how I feel as a woman. No, you don't.

Now, I'll be honest, I think a lot of your situation is being young and still discovering who you each are and how to work out a relationship together. I don't say this to be condescending, only that I remember doing the same. Hubby and I got married young. 19 and 21. We often look back and go, "CRAP! We were way too young!" We were still growing up. Some things that might help you two that helped us are:

1. Not every situation/argument/disagreement is going to get solved. Sometimes it just gets vented and move on. Sometimes you just agree to disagree. Sometimes you just accept the other person's opinion/view/choices even if you don't understand them.

2. It's all in wording, and understanding that wording. No, 'allowing' someone to do something is not right. Everyone is a person, free to make their own choices, and have their own voice. HOWEVER, saying that your boundary is that you can't handle them making certain choices or taking certain actions is acceptable. It's a difference in making someone do something and owning your own shit. Basically. I can't make my husband do anything. I can tell him how I feel about certain things, how it looks to me when he does certain things, and what things I just can't handle or put up with. Negotiating together boundaries we can both live with and compromising.

IMHO, the issue isnt' that she texted you, but that she seemed to be telling you she thinks she's poly in a very roundabout way that might have left you feeling not just blindsided but manipulated. Even if that wasn't her intent. It makes it harder to trust someone when you feel they have manipulated you into a situation. Pushing for you to have someone else so that she can then ask for her to have someone else for months? That's a trust issue.
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  #15  
Old 01-27-2012, 05:35 PM
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All I can say after reading your post, is that you two are obviously not going to last much longer like this. You won't allow her the freedom she needs and in turn, she is trying to push you into something you don't want, so that she can get what she's been wanting. You're both manipulative towards each other and it's not healthy at all. But even if you both stopped all this manipulating, one of you would always be in a situation you didn't want to be in. I say just part ways, find yourself a partner who agrees with what you want, have her find a partner/partners that agree with what she wants and live a damn happy life.
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  #16  
Old 01-27-2012, 05:39 PM
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I have a question for those that think writing is easier... I totally agree that in some cases, it is easier to be clear in writing, but wouldn't it have been better to write out a letter and hand it to him WHILE HE WAS VISITING? That way it is still telling him face-to-face, but in a written way that is easier than stumbling over spoken words. I've typed up letters to Keith a few times when I was having trouble articulating what I was feeling, but I'm always present when he reads them if it is going to be a shocker.
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  #17  
Old 01-27-2012, 05:42 PM
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polykat, is the back story outlined in the original post essential correct?

Is the transcrpit of the texts exchanged accurate?

What time of day or night did all this texting start? 7am or 11:30 after coming home from being out and having a few?

Did he ask you to marry him via text? Whats the protocol on death notifications? I view this as a pretty big deal in a relationship dynamic and I guess I like to look into someones eyes a read the things that words cant convey. God I wish I could fire people by sending them an email or text ...I could craft it and recraft ...edit ...then just fire it off....poof done. If you and some others here think its no big deal that's great however your problem is with the guy you sent them to...consensus here might not change his opinion. I don't think he's out of line on this. Just my opinion.

The ring ...gets into that ownership thing...property.

Any talk about who's paying for the wedding ? Because if he kicks in...that could be problems down the road ..don't remember the exact argument now but those here who put that forth will be glad to share it again. Wait It's got to be that ownership thing again.

I will say its better to get this out...on the table now ...before the marriage then later...so good job on that.

Good luck to you both
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  #18  
Old 01-27-2012, 05:43 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Somegeezer View Post
... and live a damn happy life.

I'm not sure why, might be the whole not sleeping thing, but that just tickled me. I heard Walter the puppet in my head. I love you!
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  #19  
Old 01-28-2012, 12:22 AM
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dingedheart,

Yes, that transcript is fairly accurate. Again.. wrong approach? Yeah, maybe. But that's how it was done and I can't take it back, so it is what it is and we grow from there.

Newguy... didn't we kinda get engaged via text? LOL

But anyhow.. I can't take it back, no matter how wrong it was. Sometimes I need a shield to protect myself when I'm putting it all out there on the line. That's something he and I have to work through. One day, I'll be strong enough to come to him, eye to eye, when something heavy is on my mind. That's something I/we have to work on. Judge me if you feel the need. You are entitled to your opinion and I respect it.

Have good days!

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  #20  
Old 01-28-2012, 12:44 AM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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PK - I have found it helpful to send a text/e-mail like this:

I've been stewing over a subject and am too nervous to bring it up face to face. Could you do some re-search on subject A?
This has been my thoughts on the subject: (list them out).
Let's schedule a time in a day or two (or whatever) to discuss this further.


It has helped to keep from blindsiding my husband. I too find it extremely difficult to just bring up a subject out of the blue face to face. Things tend to get all twisted around, especially when I feel like I'm being attacked before getting my entire point across (and I tend to ramble when I'm nervous). I will write everything down, in detail mostly for my own benefit. I might give him a "cliff notes" version to ruminate over ahead of time.
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