Text Message: "I'm Poly..." WTF?!?!?!

[newguy]

Hello all,

PolyKat (PK) informed me of her feelings of being Poly through text message…yes, I know this happened a while ago but I have just had time to think about it and reflect on how fucked-up of a way to find this out. I did think (at that time) that it was an untimely notification but since coming to grips with it I realize that I feel that her timing was terrible and her method of notification (and the way she even approached it) was fucked up…

BACKGROUND…BK is away on business, she left in October not to return until April. I visited her in December (left her on the 30th). Prior to my visit, she almost fucked (flirted with fucking) another dude (not love, lust). We argued and got through it the situation. PK has always told me (we have been together for over 3 years) that I could have a girlfriend. She especially wanted me to get one to ‘replace’ her (sexually) while she was away on business. All of which, I declined because I felt that it would be unfair for me to be having sex and her not being able to do the same (hence the reason I was upset at the above ‘almost’). Also, in my mind I felt her offer was her way to eventually have another man…I told her (several time over the past 3 years) about my feelings and she assured me that she didn’t want another man…she only wanted me happy. Her ideal situation (at that time) was for me to have a live-in girlfriend to help her out with my sexual appetite.

Now, here is our text conversation (as I remember it) from 7 January…8 days after I left her:

PK: Hey my love…I need you to do me a favor
ME: Anything for you my love…what you need
PK: I need you to be with another woman…but not just sex, I want you to have a relationship with her
ME: What are you talking about???
PK: It’s not for you, I need to figure out some things about me and this will help
ME: Ok…but how will me fucking someone else help you figure out some things about you?
PK: Not just FUCK…but a real relationship with her knowing about me and when I return we can all do things together…polymarous.com (NOTE: this is not the right website, but it wasn’t this one either)…go there and you will see what I’m talking about
ME: I’m on my phone…not searching a website now…just tell me
PK: I want you to love another woman like you love me and we all be good together
ME: What happens when if I fall for this other woman and you are replaced?...just a fuck, I can do but the love/relationship not sure if I can maintain 2 of them
PK: I just need you to try this, please…I’m not worried about you falling out of love with me
ME: Ok…what is this REALLY about…the whole “I just want to see if I can handle it” don’t fly with me

NOTE: We went on for 30-45 minutes on what was really going on and finally I got this

PK: I want you to do this to see if you can like the polymarous lifestyle…and if you do, then you will let me try
ME: So you still trying to fuck another dude?...NOPE, I’m not with this at all
PK: I don’t want to fuck some random dude, I want a relationship with him
ME: does this ‘relationship’ involve sex?
PK: It may after a while, but not at first
ME: Then…HELL NAWL…it’s either me or him or them…NOT me and any other man…

Anyway, this is how I found out about PK being poly…as you already know, I’m not poly…I’m (what I describe as) Mono- Swinger-Alpha in a Poly-Supportive role…meaning, MONO, I don’t think that I can have another ‘relationship; Swinger, I can have (unemotional) sex with another; Alpha, I need to be the only male (can’t wait to hear how wrong I am for this one); Poly-Supportive, PK can have other (sexual) relationships with women only...correction long term, romantic, sexual relationships with women only (KM34 thanks for the pointing this out).

So my two questions (other than WTF) are:

1) What is your opinion on the method of how I found out and what how would you felt if you found out this way?

2) How did you tell (or how were you told) your partner/spouse about poly...meaning face-to-face, planned dinner, surprise poly-party, ect?

Thanks again for reading my novel.

NEWGUY

[km34]

Originally Posted by newguy

MONO, I don’t think that I can have another ‘relationship;

Ok.

Swinger, I can have (unemotional) sex with another;

Ok.

Alpha, I need to be the only male (can’t wait to hear how wrong I am for this one);

Ok, as long as she's okay with this. Not the way I'd do it, but to each his own.

Poly-Supportive, PK can have other (sexual) relationships with women only.

Not getting this one. How is it POLY-supportive if she is only allowed to have SEXUAL relationships? Poly isn't about sex. The swinging would be about sex. Being Poly-Supportive to me would be being okay with and supportive of her having other romantic, long term, emotional relationships with other women (still respecting your Alpha male deal).

So my two questions (other than WTF) are:

1) What is your opinion on the method of how I found out and what how would you felt if you found out this way?

2) How did you tell (or how were you told) your partner/spouse about poly...meaning face-to-face, planned dinner, surprise poly-party, ect?

1 - I think I would have been pissed. I know having difficult conversations is easier via text/email/IM, but it is a terrible way to have something dropped on you. I'm guilty of breaking news to people like this, too, so I'm not and couldn't pass judgment, but yeah. I don't blame you for being upset about it.

2 - I told my husband one night while we were lying in bed talking that I'd like him to look into polyamory. I told him I'd done some reading, and it was something I'd like to be able to discuss with him more in depth. So, it was face-to-face, not really planned but we always have our discussions on what's on our minds before we go to sleep so not really surprising that it came up then.

[dingedheart]

This sounds like its the means to an end.

Here's my new plan ....please do me this favor ??? follow my instructions so I can get this relationship I want going over here. In Text....WOW.

Did you give her a ring?

[IsobelR]

Whatever way you are happy living your relationship(s) is cool, as long as you ARE happy with them. I couldn't do the alpha thing, but to each their own.

In answer to your questions...
1) I think that's an unhelpful way to have that conversation. How she brought up the subject seemed to be dishonest (though I have sympathy with her - it's a seriously challenging subject to bring up, especially to a partner who isn't going to like it) and seriously, there are better ways than over text. Though again, it's a scary thing. Text makes it less scary. If I'd found out that way I'd have been...shocked and a bit pissed.

2) I told my (ex) partner about it face to face, over several years, in several conversations. We ended up splitting because (mainly) my need to be poly was incompatible with his need to be mono. Both of my partners knew about it before we started relationships. Not making that mistake again.

[SNeacail]

Seriously not an appropriate conversation to have via text or even e-mail.

[BrigidsDaughter]

I am a visual word kind of person. There are things I can't say to my lovers face to face that I can get out just fine in writing. The thoughts are there, they just get lost on the way to my mouth. So I can sympathize with her wanting to write it out; but a text message is inappropriate and impersonal to me. Even over e-mail would have been better.

[PolyKat]

Originally Posted by dingedheart

This sounds like its the means to an end.

Here's my new plan ....please do me this favor ??? follow my instructions so I can get this relationship I want going over here. In Text....WOW.

Did you give her a ring?

A. That's not what I was doing.
B. Yes I have a ring.
C. Not a means to an end.. it was an opening to a difficult conversation. Handled wrong? Yeah.. straightened out later... yeah, kinda.

[newguy]

Originally Posted by km34

Not getting this one. How is it POLY-supportive if she is only allowed to have SEXUAL relationships? Poly isn't about sex. The swinging would be about sex. Being Poly-Supportive to me would be being okay with and supportive of her having other romantic, long term, emotional relationships with other women (still respecting your Alpha male deal).

No...I apologize for the confusion...PK can have long term, emotional relationships with whomever she wants (male or female) but the romantic sexual aspect of relationships is what I was refering too in this statement...sorry for confusion.

[redpepper]

I haven't read the other posts yet, only the first one. So I might be back after.

I'm not getting why telling you over text was so bad. So what? She had an oppotrunity, she took it and said what she had to say. If texting was how then so be it. I don't understand why people get hung up on "how" things are communicated so much and lose sight of thew fact that communication happened. Any kind of communication is a positive thing. The rest is semantics to me.

Ya, breaking up via text? Not a good idea. I just got dumped via email. It didn't make me feel like I was worth anything to the guy, but then again I don't think I was, lol. He wanted to meet after for coffee. I said no. Why? So he could tell me again in person?! YA! NO!

As to the rest? Trying out a poly lifestyle to see if it works is a REALLY bad idea. Either you are poly or you aren't. If you say you aren't and she says she is and you can't work out boundaries or even compromise on that then I would really be looking into whether or not this is going to be successful for the future.

People can't create polyamory in another and she seems to be trying to do that in order to justify her need for other loves. It doesn't work that way. You will have to come to that yourself. Its too bad she didn't tell her real truth and say that she wanted other men in her life and wanted you to have other women in order to justify her need for more. Meh, so be it. Now you know and have something to work with. Sometimes people take some time to get to where they can be honest for whatever reason and I think its important to let it go and work with the here and now and move forward knowing that they aren't always truthful with themselves or you. If that is the case then I would be asking some really tough questions in the future to get her to talk openly about what she needs before making decisions.

I would be asking lots of specific questions about how your life together would look to each other. I'd be patient, persistent with what I need as a mono, empathetic that she also has needs and supportive when she voices what she wants. I would use kind and encouraging words and ask for the same and start talking about your feelings, what would and would not work for you and remind her gently that you can take care of your own relationship life and that she will have to find alternative ways to see how she feels about poly that don't use you as the experiament.
....
More thoughts,

What is this alpha male "allowing" business? How are you "allowing" her to do stuff in her life or not. Are you her Dom? Is she submissive to you in a D/s relationship? If not, then in my opinion, she has chosen to respect your feelings and boundaries and decided that she doesn't want to hurt you by having sex with other men and put her feelings and needs aside in order to make you more comfortable. She has placed herself in the position of being uncomfortable to make you more comfortable. Very noble I think. Please, give her the respect she deserves by addressing this as such. The appropriate language would of been, "she has agreed to not have sex with other men as I am uncomfortable with that" (unless you are her Dom and then its up to the two of you to decide how she should be spoken to and about).

I think you could do with reading up on "mono/poly" relationships (try a tag search here). The two of you are speaking different languages. Its like you are from different cultures. I have been with my mono boyfriend for three years and when we need to approach this stuff we do so like we are from different countries trying to understand each others culture.

Would you speak to someone the same way if you were from the USA and they were from Japan? Unlikely. You both would be curious, wonder how each persons mind works, wonder how there are differences rather than assume you are the same, inflict those assumptions on one another and expect each other to react and behave in a certain way. Mono and Poly people are not the same. Check it out with an open mind and heart.

[IsobelR]

Originally Posted by redpepper

As to the rest? Trying out a poly lifestyle to see if it works is a REALLY bad idea. Either you are poly or you aren't. If you say you aren't and she says she is and you can't work out boundaries or even compromise on that then I would really be looking into whether or not this is going to be successful for the future.

I don't quite agree with that. From personal experience, I believe that some are born poly and have a deep desire to live as such, whilst some can choose it. Myself and my boyfriend are very definitely in the first category. His wife, my girlfriend, agreed for me to be in his life, not wanting/anticipating a relationship beyond friendship for she and I. Months later, we're in a triad.