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Old 01-25-2012, 10:42 PM
peace355 peace355 is offline
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Every relationship is different. I do suffer from jealousy, mostly due to insecurity issues. I sometimes find when my boyfriend, S, is sharing details about his time with his other girl, J, I can feel this jealousy and insecurity rising. At that point I like to ask for some reassurances and that helps a lot. And ultimately I like that S can share things with me. I feel worse if I think he's holding things back from me.

When it comes to sex part and their own private conversations that is their thing. He will update me if they have a chat about where their relationship is. With the sex, we've agreed on safe sex practices and I trust he does that. I know how often they do it but no other details, I personally wouldn't mind knowing more about what they get up to in the bedroom, but J prefers to keep that private, so I respect that is her decision.

I would say you should talk to your girlfriend about what you want to know, ye can set up boundaries of what is comfortable for everyone involved. Also if you find hearing the details is actually hard for you, I would advise you not to be afraid to ask for reassurances or to redefine what you want to know, you may need to take it step by step.
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Old 01-25-2012, 11:13 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Personally I like to know my metamours. I find that any assumptions I have are easily clarified and dismissed as something I fabricated in my head if I know my metamour, my partner talks about their life with my metamour and there is open communication. I don't need details, but an idea od feelings and basic story line of their life is very useful to me feeling comfortable in my world.
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Old 01-31-2012, 12:01 AM
Pretzels Pretzels is offline
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Even though I'm relatively new to a successful polyfi thingee, I will say this, people change and get used to situations.

Eight months into things, T is much more comfortable in our arrangement now, so I feel a bit more comfortable telling him things about the time I spend with E. What goes on between the two guys is a little different. E will usually fill me in on their interactions if I ask. I think T is realizing two things...I'm not going anywhere (I've fled many a relationship in the past) and I'm not "weirded out" by what he does with E.
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Old 01-31-2012, 02:56 AM
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idealist idealist is offline
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My primary partner and I share with each other. Depending on our mood at the time of sharing, we may share more or less. We have a way of reading each other and knowing what kind of space the other one is in. His secondary partner likes to give him long blow jobs (which I don't particularly like to do) so I like him to share that with me. I'm like...that's aweseome baby.....and I'm glad for him!! I've recently met a new guy and my primary partner was there (with a few female friends) on the first night we met. That was good because the two guys like each other and actually know one another from childhood. Now- I have a date with the new guy on Thursday night, so when I share with my primary, he will have a frame of reference. He's comfortable with the guy. That's important to us. I'm friends with his secondary on Facebook- we've met once....I'm open to meeting her again or hanging out with the two of them, but don't feel like I have to pursue it or make it happen. Now- my new guy has a sexy and hot female "friend" and I will pursue getting to meet her!....but I think I got off topic here!!
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Old 01-31-2012, 03:17 AM
ms74 ms74 is offline
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Location: Indiana
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Thank you everyone for your advice and stories. It is something I need to really think about, if I want to know about their sex or not. I need to think about my feelings if I really want to know and if I can really handle the truth.

The whole poly lifestyle is completely new to me and want to make it work because I love my girlfriend more than anything but with my insecurities it is difficult. Thanks again
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Old 07-03-2012, 06:37 PM
Hudson Hudson is offline
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Default Sharing Details of Relationships/Sex

... Is this common in poly relationships?

I am curious because I am told that almost all poly couples share the intimate details of their secondary relationships with their primaries.

What is your experience?
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Old 07-03-2012, 06:52 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Who told you that?? I suppose, in strict primary/secondary hierarchies, there could be an agreement that "We share everything about our other relationships in order to make sure nothing is threatening the primary relationship" but that would leave the secondaries with very little privacy and could be uncomfortable for every involved at times!

My husband and my partner hear a LOT about my relationship with the other, the good and the bad, because they are also both my closest friends. They both know this and are okay with it. However, I do NOT discuss intimate details of one with the other. It's not their business, and would likely make them both very uncomfortable.

Many folks around here share even less across relationships. Honesty for the sake of sexual health is one thing, but beyond that there's a strong sense of respecting everyone's privacy and independence. Wanting to know ALL the details of another relationship is seen as nosy and intrusive, and perhaps as a sign of being insecure in one's own relationship(s).
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Old 07-03-2012, 07:07 PM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Depends on personal taste. Of all partners involved. If everyone is cool with it, or even likes it, go ahead. But if one isn't that into having the other(s) know what he likes when, how and why, he should have a right to privacy.

In our case, we don't share details. Mainly because I and Lin are uncomfortable with it. Sward wouldn't mind, maybe even like it, but he doesn't insist on something that is unpleasant for the rest of us.
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

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Old 07-03-2012, 07:24 PM
Hudson Hudson is offline
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I got the feeling that was the case. I've never been in a truly poly relationship before, but it seemed that sharing every intimate detail (literally every text message, chat, phone call and interaction is what I'm being asked to divulge) would be a violation of the secondary relationship I was beginning. How can it be a relationship if there is nothing shared in confidence? To say that the secondary partner I'd been chatting with/ beginning to see was uncomfortable with it is a vast understatement. After telling him that this was an expectation of my primary's, he asked me to delete all our previous communication and severed all ties with me-- and he was a friend before so it is a painful loss.

I have never expected this of him-- really I'd rather not know. He tells me anyway. I feel like I'm eavesdropping at the door to someone else's life every time he does it... Honestly, I don't know what to do. I love my primary with all my heart. I don't want to lose him, but I feel cheated somehow since I don't know anyone who would agree to a completely confidence free relationship...
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Old 07-03-2012, 08:30 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Everything with us is a two-way street - and we have agreed that there are certain details of our sex lives and personal communications that does NOT get shared, due to the preferences of all involved.

So add me to the "no" column, while you are counting the "almost-all"s

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
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