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  #1211  
Old 01-22-2012, 08:32 PM
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I really hope that this whole exercise is designed for your own benefit. ... If you're doing it because of the ex...or for the ex...I really don't think his actions in the aftermath of your relationship put him in a position to deserve such consideration, nor his opinions whatever they might be about your character. He'd have to be in your league first.
I agree 100% with this. You're just really seeing their true selves, but that doesn't mean you should compromise who you are for anyone else. If someone treats me horribly and attempts to squash me down, I don't owe them a thing! Especially if they have a downright nasty need to hurt me or "teach me a lesson," AND their words and actions clearly show a huge misconception about who I am and what's important.

Fuck anyone who pulls shit like that, and the high horses they rode in on! Seriously!
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  #1212  
Old 01-23-2012, 04:53 AM
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If someone treats me horribly and attempts to squash me down, I don't owe them a thing! Especially if they have a downright nasty need to hurt me or "teach me a lesson," AND their words and actions clearly show a huge misconception about who I am and what's important.

Fuck anyone who pulls shit like that, and the high horses they rode in on! Seriously!
I know you are right. I understand what both you and II are saying. I would certainly give out that very same advice if it were someone else writing this on here.

The thing is that I don't believe it. I find it hard to turn the corner into believing that he really is the way he presented.

I think you are right Derby, I need an objective opinion and need to remember the good things people have said on here. I also need to remember that I have said a lot of good things about them on here, Leo especially. Interesting how those got missed in all this.
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  #1213  
Old 01-23-2012, 06:11 AM
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Something that I have been coming to terms with is the "presentation of identity" I guess. We want humans to be consistent and if we have a bad experience with them, then they are a bad person. Unfortunately, it is often far more complicated and a person can react poorly in one situation but that doesn't necessarily mean that they're just awful through and through. Granted, this doesn't mean we owe them anything or need to have more experiences with them. I've been trying very hard to keep this in mind in my dating life and in general, so that I have an easier time of giving grace to people who hurt me. I'm finding it to be helpful but very difficult.

I know it's easy for me to say oh man, so and so's a bad guy because of this hurtful experience you've had but I get that it's only part of the story and who knows what all went into what happened. And I understand why you don't want to take part of the experience and use it to define the whole thing and all the people involved. But still, it does sound like you are wise to abstain from a friendship for the time being. I think you can do that (protect yourself and heal) and still keep a broader, more balanced definition of the people that takes into consideration both their strengths and their weaknesses.

I admire (as I've read your blog) your ability to see the good in people and situations where other people might have long been frustrated and given up.

Last edited by ray; 01-23-2012 at 06:14 AM.
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  #1214  
Old 01-23-2012, 08:14 AM
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Just finished reading an entire years worth of blog posts. I am completely sick of hearing myself talk and its passed midnight. It made me realize that if ever I feel like I am not heard, I should read this blog so I feel as I do now.

So, processing, processing, analyzing....

I saw a huge amount of what went sideways and a whole lot of my not really having a whole lot of control over that.

Much more to follow, but I feel a whole lot better having dragged my ass through this thread. It was very interesting and enlightening. So worth it, FOR ME> (thats for you II )
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  #1215  
Old 01-23-2012, 05:16 PM
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Much more to follow, but I feel a whole lot better having dragged my ass through this thread. It was very interesting and enlightening.
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  #1216  
Old 01-23-2012, 08:10 PM
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So worth it, FOR ME> (thats for you II )
What did I just say about doing things "for" the sake of other people who don't deserve it?!

On a more serious note, I'm glad you got something out of it.

Lube.
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  #1217  
Old 01-23-2012, 09:17 PM
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...I'm glad you got something out of it.

Lube.
Funny juxtaposition there.
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An excellent blog post against hierarchy in polyamory: http://solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-i...short-version/
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  #1218  
Old 01-25-2012, 06:42 AM
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I wrote a final copy of thoughts and feelings along with assumptions about what was going on that will likely never be sorted. I am posting it today to be released from it all and to move on. I don't mean harm to people. I only hope to help myself and others. I needed to write this out in order to bring back what I have had taken away, my sense of self worth and self esteem. I am pretty sure that Leo and/or his wife will read this at some point and I can only imagine what they will think. I am not expecting pleasant words and thoughts from them, but I do hope they respect me enough to let by-gones-be-by-gones. What matters now is that we all move on.

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Having read my blog and all emails about Leo and I all over again what I want to say has changed from where I first began last week. I have a whole story in my head and in writing of what three years brought to my life and where we ended. This is the synopsis of all of that.

In reading back I discovered that I struggled with several things going on for us;

I struggled with the lack of time we had together as he decided it would only be once a month we see each other. Gradually it became less and less. I longed for more time. It made me feel sad that I wasn’t able to spend time with someone I love. It was too long between dates for me to feel constantly connected to a point where I could relax and just enjoy our time together. Most of my issues would of been sorted out if there had been more attention to this need of mine being met (his work being close was doing it for me, but was too little too late).

Because of lack of time I found it hard to trust that I was worth something to him and felt as if I was coaxing him and bugging him, like a whiney child, to hang out with me. I wanted him to plan what we did more and at least show some enthusiasm in meeting rather than shuffling dates further and further away, which is what was happening by the end. I felt like I was irritating and in the end, after feeling all that, I just felt sad about it and resigned to my role in his life.

After our last date, when I asked in what turned out to be one last time, if he could just let me know when he is free, in the hopes to have some kind of indication that I am worth something to him, he said we were done. He miss understood what I was saying but, in the process of understanding, he said I had become someone he had lost connection with. It was hard to hear, but people break up with others every day. He was breaking up with me.

I struggled with not having sex with him and the process to find connection regardless of that. Mono and his wife both struggled with the thought or us having sex and while Mono was willing to re-look at his point of view in regards to the decision I made with him in mind about not having sex, Leo’s wife was not. The wind was taken from my sails when I heard this. More lack of connection and bonding, it made me feel there was no commitment to a future and I was concerned for “us.” I kept my distance in order to cope. That was working for a time, but it made me sad and anxious before every date because I knew I would be faced with my longing for something more and having to hold back my attention. It made me envious that his wife could have a sexual relationship with someone else and he could not.

I struggled to understand and accept Leo’s wife’s boundaries. It seems that her opinion held huge value for him. He told me once that he would follow what she says and that I am a secondary and they are couple-centered. I remember that he had some judgment at the time that I would think anything different and expect anything different. I realized that we did poly differently and that might be a concern (actually he never said he was poly).

He told me that he told her everything that he struggled with, but also that he told her nothing that wasn’t relevant to them as a couple. Did he tell her of some of the good conversations we had? Did he relay anything I did in my life that was positive? When I heard he read my blog I wondered if it had been her who read it. I wondered if she pointed out the posts that she wanted him to see as evidence that I was not good for him.

I had a hard time understanding how they work together. It was assumed I would follow along without questions because that was over thinking and not keeping it simple. It wasn’t simple to me to do that. It was more complicated than communicating and being in touch even just a little bit.

As I don’t value hierarchical poly and see people as people, not as couples when it comes to romantic relationships. I felt uncomfortable with their dynamic as it was. I was frustrated and confused by their way of doing things. I did submit to their way as much as I could I think. Sure there was drama around all of this for me, but I was also patient, empathetic, an advocate for her in terms of him paying attention to her and wanted her to be happy. I went at her pace as best as I could without entirely losing my own boundaries due to lack of communication and lack of involvement in his life. As far as I can see he found his work life more important than his relationship life (as well he should of at the time) and I found my relationship life more important. I thought he over thought work, he thought I over thought my relationships. I was hoping would think more about his relationships when he got settled into his new business, but that was not to be during my time with him.

If it weren’t for the bf coming into his wife’s life and the assumptions made about why I went for coffee with him, if there weren’t confusion over our last date in terms of me asking him to let me know when he is free and how that doesn’t mean I am wanting to break up, if I had only listened and believed that he was dumping me the first time he said it, if he hadn’t of said the things he did that hurt me so much, if only he hadn't read my whole blog in an emotional state, if only I were not so hurt and angry that I could HEAR what he was saying I would of walked away with the possibility of being friends with him. Now he has no spark for me, I am left feeling used. It’s a relationship break up. It is what it is. Not unusual really.

I wonder if he really did read my posts and saw everything I said that was positive. Especially in the last 6 months. I was beginning to let go of old thinking and realizing that I was fine the way our relationship was. There were many times I came home from our dates feeling loved and cherished. I felt that our relationship was worth working on. He was coming out of a really tumultuous time and things were looking up for him. I thought that now that things were more settled and he was happy that we could kick back and chat about less loaded issues and just be together. I thought we had a future. It seems I was wrong.

I am not apologizing for the struggle Leo and I went through. I could have been a dedicated and loyal friend and lover for many years to come if he was looking for that in someone like me, but he wasn't. He told me many times that he could not fulfill my need for closeness to each other, time together, words of love, affection and support almost daily as well as good conversations that were challenging but lead to acceptance and more connection. I chose to continue and see what happened and so did he. This is where it ended up; with my being dumped. He is not to blame. I am not to blame. It was the course we were on and neither of us are to blame for who we are.

After doing all my reading and thinking I am left with a feeling of helplessness, sadness, desperateness to be understood and resigned that it’s over. As far as I can see, I was not interesting enough to keep around any more. I was a source of happiness at one point when times were rough and now that his life is happy and his relationship with his wife is going well I am not needed. That makes me terribly sad. It triggers something really deep inside of me that I now have to work on.

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I am a woman that has high expectations of loves in my life and I don't settle for what I consider to be a half ass relationship. I am demanding. I take my relationships very seriously, work hard at them and expect the same in return. I told him that from the beginning. I think on every detail as I try and make sense of those I love and how I can better connect with them. Over time its not as necessary and do this less and less, but with little time together with partners my process was amplified when we are together. I am more intense and more expectant. I need to work on that more and am working on that more as it isn't fair on those I love.
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  #1219  
Old 01-25-2012, 08:17 PM
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I'm glad to see you pushing through all this and doig what's right for you.
As for your ex and ex-meta, they really don't have any say about how you express yourself, nor should they have any reasonable complaints about such a thoughtful, fair and caring post.

Rock'on RP. You still have wonderful people in your life, and I'm sure they'll be eager to see you move on to the next chapter.
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  #1220  
Old 01-25-2012, 08:34 PM
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I'm glad to see you pushing through all this and doig what's right for you.
As for your ex and ex-meta, they really don't have any say about how you express yourself, nor should they have any reasonable complaints about such a thoughtful, fair and caring post.

Rock'on RP. You still have wonderful people in your life, and I'm sure they'll be eager to see you move on to the next chapter.
Thanks II, moving on. I have had such awesome support and love from others. I am grateful and appreciative. Giving it all back to those that really care about me and love me. Its all good.
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