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  #21  
Old 12-17-2011, 06:02 PM
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(PS (pre-script!): rory - thanks for replying, and it's interesting you didn't identify with the selfish thing. When I get a chance might write more about what I meant by that.)

They say home is where the heart is, and long distance-ing can feel a bit like you're straddling countries.

I know I've been getting off lightly in comparison to some others (a local poly friend of mine had been dealing with two, and at some stage I think three, separate long distance relationships at once; some of these were very very long distance)

Mine is more of a medium distance, really. It's a 3 1/2 hour flight that costs about what I earn for a week to make the round trip.

Anyway, Sage is back in town! "It's so good to see him" is a whoppin understatement. (I've noticed that there's someone else called Sage in this forum --- whoops. I was thinking of using two names for S anyway: Sage/Sugar. Also for C: Carob/Cam(embert) Since we're all about the more-than-one I'm sure we can cope with this.)

Also had a surprise visit from a couchsurfer who I hosted earlier this year. He turned up just before I was due to pick Sugar up from the airport (still with me? ha!) and, to be honest, my heart sank cos I was looking forward to time by myself, and then time-for-just-the-two-of-us (s & m...e). But then pulled myself together and acknowledged it really was cool to see him (the CSer) again and it's been quite fun around the house.

It's time to pack away most of our stuff as a couple of friends are moving in to house/cat sit next week... FOR A WHOLE YEAR! It's all on; I'm moving!

First, holiday. Leaving on Tuesday. Saga* & I are going away with one of S's best friends for just over a month. This is one of the best friends I had a crush on (the other one is the best mate of Cam's). Will tell that story at some point, for AnnabelMore (* who said I just had to stick to two names, there are no rules here. Will stick to the same initial though... promise )

Was in a pretty messed up mood when I wrote the last post, feeling much better now. Writing helps, talking with the people concerned (obviously) helps more. Did a "you didn't help with the dishes!" vent to C the other day, just needed to let off steam even though I wasn't feeling rational/reasonable. I couched it as an emotional need.

The conversations went a bit like this:
me - C, I'm feeling like shit, I need to vent, this isn't well-thought out... all good?
C - vent away
me - BLEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH
C - I'm really sorry I didn't help with the dishes. Just slipped my mind
me - I know, it's cool, I love you, just BLEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH
C - *hugs*
me - *hugs* cya soon

Carob & I are gonna be well medium-distance, I think And for now, the three of us in the same city for two more days! If S & I get enough packing done, gonna chill out with C + his mate (yeah the bestmatecrushthing) + possibly some other mutual friends this arvo. Got a breakfast date with Sage, another of his close friends (no crush there, haha), Carob and the CSer on Monday. Actually haven't had a chance to tell C yet but I'm the mistress of scheduling (or at least I like to think so). Nah, I vaguely know his routines... mmm... okay scheduling is a whole other topic. Time to get back to the putting-stuff-in-boxes game (much more fun with objects than people!)

I <3 home

Last edited by fuchka; 12-17-2011 at 07:33 PM.
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  #22  
Old 12-17-2011, 06:12 PM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I don't see Carob's suggestion as better or even simpler than yours. In fact, mentioning you have a boyfriend and a husband could be much more complicated, depending on who you're talking to.

I got married for the first time at 39, and it took me a long time to get comfortable with the word "husband." I like "partner" for that kind of relationship. But I am similar to you in that I do not take friendship lightly, and it's an honor to have someone in my life as a friend. Nothing wrong with that, nor with referring to your loves as friends. Nothing wrong with that at all. I think you explained your situation to Brian perfectly.
I found it really, really intriguing to read this. I thought it was just me with the obfuscation obsession. Re-thinking my critique of myself... woah, double critique!

I think what I did wrong with Brian, perhaps, was something I didn't mention in the original post. Just as I'd given my version of how things stood between C & me, Carob came to the car. The timing was funny and I was already feeling amused by how convolutedly I'd explained things. So I said: "Hey C, haha, I was just attempting to answer Brian's question 'What's the deal between you and Carob?' and I think I was being confusing as usual." It was half-joking but also half-serious, as in: I did feel a tad like a failure for not being able to state the record clearer.

If I'm more confident with my own ways of expressing such things in the future, it could improve things! Thanks for sharing your perspective, nycindie
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  #23  
Old 01-23-2012, 06:46 PM
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Gong Xi Fa Cai! I've been mostly offline for the last few weeks as I've been travelling - visiting family and hanging out with old friends and new friends. The time away is finally coming to a close; I'm heading back to work in two days. It's been great to have a serious amount of down-time, and I'm now looking forward to getting the business end of the year rolling.

Sugar and I took advantage of the holiday together to get all honeymoon-y. We needed it. Since he left for overseas mid-2011 I'd seen him a few times, but it was always when at least one of us had other things on the go (work commitments, etc) so it wasn't like clear days lounging around with each other. Also, the windows of time were so short that we'd just gotten used to the other person again when it was time to say goodbye. That's long-distance for you, eh!

It has also been cool to hang out with Gilby, one of S's best friends who was travelling with us over Christmas/New Years. G is a good mate of mine too, and we used to flat together a few years' back. I... kinda have a crush on him. But according to Glib, nothing can happen sexually between us as long as Sage is alive. Literally.

The first time he said that I was genuinely appalled. It seemed so twisted... but after a few conversations on the topic I understand (at least intellectually) what he means. From his perspective, he can't imagine being okay with one of his friends hooking up with his partner. And so he cannot really connect with Sage being okay with that too (although he is willing to accept that it is true)... therefore he can't go there himself.

But I find the attraction quite overwhelming at times. Like today, Glib and I had the day together as S had to fly out to head back to work. In the evening, the two of us (G & I) sat with a shisha for hours, talking, snacking, letting the smoke and conversation wind its way around us, and at times I felt so keenly in the same space as him that I just wanted to touch him, to go to bed and talk some more. I have to remember that it wouldn't be cool, that my advances would probably be frustrating (at worst), or at least off-key. It would be easier if he had said he wasn't attracted to me. However knowing that he would be up for it if I wasn't with S is tough!

Just had to take some time out meditating so I wouldn't pounce on G. We're staying a couple of days extra in the hostel before we also head off. I decided it would be better to sleep in bunk beds tonight, so I'm sleeping on top of G (sadly in different beds) and we're both awake (me probably more than him) and... I dunno. I hope he's happy that I'm keeping my distance. I need to think of this as how I show love and respect to him.

It just means I have to trust that he meant it when he rejected my advances in the past... Part of me keeps wanting to question him again. Like, really? You still feel this way? Don't you want to twist our bodies together and see if it feels good? My instinct is to take opportunities to explore like this... I need reasons to hold back, and sometimes I feel like the levies are breaking.

A really fast way to cure a crush, I've found, is to act on it and find out it's not what you imagined. Hilariously bad kisses for example and poof! The crush is gone. Maybe there's a less awkward way, but I find this effective and worth it I don't really mind the awkward too much, and it's a true win-win... You either lose the crush (a win in my books) or get sweet lovin...

Attraction can feel really intense, especially sexual attraction. It's sometimes helped to let feelings of sexual attraction ebb out into the broader notion of attraction to 'intimacy', i.e. recognising that, yeah, I may be horny for someone and up for sex, but more fundamentally what I'm up for is mutually-appealing intimacy. And there are many ways to be intimate, including giving someone space or spending time together doing things you both like.

It's hard, though... sex can be this debilitating drive (at least for me). I'm still working through these dynamics and I don't feel like I have those oysters full of wisdom pearls just yet. Hence I'm still awake... heh.

Hopefully will fall asleep soon, and the tomorrow make it through one more night of sharing a room with G without misbehaving in a bad way. Serenity prayers ahoy.

Just gotta think - two days and I'll see Carob. Wooh! I'm sure he'll know what to do with this tension I've built up *grin*

Last edited by fuchka; 01-23-2012 at 06:51 PM.
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  #24  
Old 01-23-2012, 10:25 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
A really fast way to cure a crush, I've found, is to act on it and find out it's not what you imagined. Hilariously bad kisses for example and poof! The crush is gone.
Hahaha!!! That reminds me of a time, many years ago, when I had a crush on this guy. He was much taller than I, a NYC fireman, and kinda looked like Paul Newman. We had some mutual friends and met each other hanging out with them. I was really attracted to him, and flirted heavily. After a couple of weeks, he asked me out. I was giddy with anticipation.

So, there we are at dinner, and he bent his head down to look at the menu... plugs! I guess since he was so tall, and only in his 30s, I never noticed or realized he'd had a hair transplant. And it was a bad one. Seeing the plugs all lined up in rows on his scalp totally grossed me out and I was suddenly UN-crushing on him. From that moment on, in an instant - ZERO attraction!

Funny, I haven't thought about that in years.
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  #25  
Old 02-04-2012, 12:26 PM
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Default Time, love and selfishness (sorry, couldn't resist)

Heh, nycindie - I had to look at at a few pics online to understand what you meant. Yeah, I getchya Though I mostly get turned off by people's approach to sex or how they are physically intimate rather than their looks... and maybe it's a compatibility thing rather than anything else.

I made a comment previously about sometimes worrying about being selfish. What I mean is that... loving relationships are really pleasant, especially close friends or lovers who are a real comfort in my life. Yes, they challenge me but also support me immensely and we have a lot of fun and pleasure of course

Sometimes I wonder whether I'm being overly self-interested, given the other things I could be doing with my time. For example, I could choose to reach out into the community rather than soften my own personal life.

I tend to think this way when I'm feeling unbalanced. I sometimes feel like I'm enjoying myself too much and taking things too easy, surrounding myself with people who will be nice to me, and not doing my best to contribute to day-to-day life in wider society, doing things that I really would like to do but I deprioritise to make time for a lover.

Like, I could be helping out in the neighbourhood, or seeing more of a sick relative... but instead I'm filling my hours with more me-ish-time (cos time spent with close companions is sort of like me-time).

Of course nothing is really that simple (either-or) but I think this balance is a real one for me, and one that makes me feel a bit wobbly at times if I have been sliding one way or the other.

I guess it's similar to "work-life" balance, if "work" is community-facing things and "life" is my personal life.
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  #26  
Old 02-04-2012, 01:07 PM
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Default Happy Love Love Family?

Also, came across this when I was on holiday:





Bought a couple of extra to send to anyone who's up for being a snail mail pen pal! Yep, old school... I love posted letters. PM me if you're keen
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  #27  
Old 02-08-2012, 03:00 AM
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Came out (as non-monogamous, queer and a general deviant) to my closest friend at work today. Felt good.
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  #28  
Old 04-01-2012, 09:39 PM
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Unfortunately I don't have much time to read/write here anymore, but I think I might try to keep up with my own blog even if (despite best intentions) I can't manage to read everyone else's.

Recently shifted countries ~1 1/2 months ago, so now long-distance with Carob - my other relatively long-term partner. It's a bit like standing on the other foot.

I do seem to have difficulty putting things into words sometimes. Maybe it's because I seek the perfect phrase.

For example, when explaining to people why I was leaving town (before I headed away) my explanations seemed to falter. Many years back, when I was in high school, I decided it was dumb to move cities just to be with a boyfriend/girlfriend and I promised myself I would never do this. And here I am breaking my own promise. Quitting a job I like, leaving a place I love because someone misses me and I miss them back.

Well, it's pretty basic when you put it that way but it seems overly sentimental to me (as in, it didn't really communicate what I was feeling). But yesterday as I was writing a letter to a friend, I unconsciously summed it up perfectly. I said "Just moved over here to keep Sage company." Yes! That's pretty much it It wasn't an unbearable aching (well, not always), it was just a really wanting to be together.

This is the first time since Carob and I got together that we have lived in different places. I've travelled quite a bit, so been away before (for up to 3 months at a time) but it's a distinct feeling to be settling down somewhere else. The missing feels more acute, like growing apart is more of a possibility.

C's heading over here in two days to visit for a week and a half! Couldn't be sooner. Really craving touch. Recently he got together with a friend of his who I also know and like. She's lovely. It's the first time for me facing the role of the Old Relationship partner in a new relationship. So far it's been okay but it's fairly new.

Not having had the experience of that perspective, I've had this fear that I wouldn't be up to the task. That despite my hopes for myself, I would actually get insanely jealous if anyone tried to share my precious toys with me for real. It's fine to play, but don't forget it's going back in my toybox once you're done.

As much as I worry that I'm deep down a hypocrite, I worry more than I won't have the guts to admit that to myself if it is true. Like, I will pretend that I'm not feeling conflicted if I am.

I don't think either of these are serious fears... If I thought it was likely I'd be this way, I wouldn't be in these relationships. Nonetheless, I would really like some evidence of my ability to deal Seems like I might be about to get it.

As a side note, my eagerness to find out whether this poly deal was viable used to make me feel overly enthusiastic about my partners finding new partners. I was curious about whether the dynamics would work, whether we were all strong enough... and maybe also knew it would take the social pressure off me in terms of other people's judgment. None of these good reasons to rush other people into other relationships! (Well, there's probably no good reasons actually). It was a funny impetus to recognise, and quite simple to squash thankfully.

I'm in a big city now and there's quite a poly community here. Went to a discussion group a couple of weeks ago; very illuminating. Like this forum, but in person. I just sat there melting happily into a chair.

Hope y'all doing well
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  #29  
Old 04-12-2012, 01:07 PM
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"There's no Mary Sue. you know what I mean?"

Carob is talking to Sugar in the other room. All three of us are a little bit drunk; to be honest, I'm probably more drunk that either of them.

I have no idea what I'm talking about. S comes in briefly, I hope to give me a kiss but it's really to get something, maybe ar roll of toilet paper.

"You can't go backwards. You can't go from that to Seinfield." Sugar says. C agrees. They're talkling about something. I'm too wasted to understand.

It makes me happy that I'm weak, that I'm somewhat an imbecile. It can be tough being the middle person, how they say? The pivot.

I didn't mean to be this drunk but it's arelief. Nothing much is expected of me. Other people are happy without me.

I am happy. I am sleepy I can be incompetent and snooze and everything will be okay. I love my life.
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  #30  
Old 04-12-2012, 05:09 PM
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I can sometimes feel stressed being the hinge, too (particularly in a group of four where there are so many dynamics). Maybe I should try alcohol to give myself a break, hah!
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