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Old 01-23-2012, 05:05 AM
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Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
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Originally Posted by Mookitten View Post

Those things you pointed out, and saying they're manipulation and everything...

I'm just curious, but how would a "normal" poly (I use this term because apparently I've been told he isn't doing poly right) react to my hurt/fear/anxiety?

What would a normal polyamorous person do if their lover felt this hurt and worried about the actions they were going to, and planned on doing?

I'd say rational instead of 'normal'.

But imo if he were rational and cared about how you're processing all of what he's doing, he would slow down and make inquiries. There'd be an open discussion where you would feel safe enough to share, and secure enough to know that once it's out there everything you've said was heard and accounted for, by way of his actions and behaviour. Boundaries, tidbits of information, etc. would be negotiated.

Polyfolk (practicing ethically) care about the people they're in relationships with, mono or otherwise. Their partners' happiness is important to them. Your boyfriend is so entirely focused on himself and how you're possibly interrupting his fun that it's unhealthy.

There seems to be no compromise in sight. Just a constant brushing off. That is not how anyone should be treated by someone who claims to love them.
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Old 01-23-2012, 05:16 AM
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Hi there, I just wanted you to know that I will be moving mookitten's posts to a thread of there own.
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Old 01-23-2012, 06:39 AM
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Originally Posted by Mookitten View Post
He is careful with me because he knew he was my first. Therefore, he knew he couldn't get anything from me...
Really? Wow. Get tested my friend. You should of seen papers before letting him put his cock in you. You were fresh as a daisy and now might of jeopardized that on his word. No offense to him, but really I would wonder with all his "play" activity why he thought that was a good idea to let you just believe him. he should of shown you with pride how "on it" he is. Most poly people I know that are that sexually active get tested twice a year and have papers to prove it. Even if he wraps it up there are many things you can get by going down on someone etc.

This is what I see having just read this thread;

Woman that is struggling with self esteem and self worth issues gets together with a male poly player type who likes to sleep around whenever he feels like (be free) and is in poly more for the casual/sport sex than for the relationships he could build. Woman considers herself monogamous and for that reason is struggling with his pace and lack of concern for her feelings. She asks the man to please go at her pace as I she is just learning and just having sex for the first time. Man says, "ya, no" he is doing his thing and is happy to have the woman because he knows she is a virgin that won't sleep around because of her self esteem issues so he gets to put his dick in a pussy for real with her so he will keep her for those special moments where he gets to do that regardless of his sexual health status (total projection there, but maybe its so?). He also thinks that her requests are ludicrous because his reality is the all knowing reality (monogamy is a different mindset entirely so he doesn't get it or want to get it?) so she should suck up her feelings and listen to him; how dare she rain on his parade he thinks. Woman gets more self esteem issues, more feelings of being worthless. Because she loves him, she stays . He manipulates her into staying with him because he can see she is wrapped around his finger. I don't know how that plays out but I would guess in quiet sadness puppy dog faces or anger.... whichever his manipulating face is, it sounds like he has one to me.

I suggest you look at this thread and this one to see if you can get a better idea of what ethical and responsible non-monogamy is (the typical definition of poly). Really, in terms of your situation I think there needs to be a whole lot more of him being willing to go at your pace and a whole lot more discussing and sticking to boundaries. Quite frankly he doesn't seem interested in a relationship with you the way you wish he would and you don't seem to be suitable for him because you don't want something as casual as he does and don't do poly like he does. In fact, you don't do poly at all because you are mono.

He doesn't seem suitable for you. There is no "wrong" in that. If he is going out and loving all the women he comes across and is experiencing good things with that then by all means he should be free to do that, but maybe not with you in the picture. He cannot change you. You cannot change him. Maybe in time he will settle. You might feel more like exploring yourself in the way he wants to right now, but right now you don't seem compatible.
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Old 01-23-2012, 03:48 PM
freyamarie freyamarie is offline
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So be honest with yourself....what would this "man" (and I say that tongue in cheek as he sounds very much like a teen boy) do if you were to take sex off the table for a while?

Whether you are mono or poly is really irrelevant at this point because you are caught up in a cycle of abuse...yes, I really did just dare to say abuse. When someone repeatedly chooses to do things that they know hurt a partner and basically tells the other person to suck it up, that is abusive.

While I am being so blunt...it sounds like this guy has found a way to justify his total self-centeredness. What he is practicing is not poly....not even bad poly.
This is a little boy in a mans body who has found an innocent with a low self image to take advantage of.

Please seek a counselor.
-You are a worthy human being but don't believe in yourself. -
Until you learn to love yourself, peeps will rush to take advantage of you. -When you feel good about yourself, you won't settle for being shat on.
- If you don't find a way to grow yourself esteem you will never attract the kind of love you want.
*You are worthy to be treated as a treasure....remember that and work on settling for nothing less.*
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Old 01-23-2012, 04:46 PM
Nerodia Nerodia is offline
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Default Phew

"More so, I don't want to come out of this regretting it. I don't want to come out feeling used and manipulated... I don't want that."

I really like what you said here, Mookitten.

Ug. Tough situation.

I agree with the folks who have posted here about your partner seeming pretty clueless/hard-hearted/whatever in his attitude toward you. And from what little I know (I'm new to polyamory, too), poly isn't about just one person doing anything he/she wants while the other watches and weeps.

For what it's worth, I'm the poly one in a poly/mono duo--I'm a bi female with two significant men in my life. I'm brand new to this scene, and am constantly monitoring my relationship with my primary partner, making sure he's okay if I'm with the other man, honoring any plans we already made, etc. If my relationship with the other man evolves to a similar place, I plan to be as open and concerned with him. At the moment, it's pretty overwhelming and difficult; I hope it gets easier with time and mileage.

Here's what I would do if I were you:

1. I would try to focus as much attention as I could on the good stuff. Obviously, there is good stuff going on as well as bad stuff, otherwise you wouldn't think twice about shaking the dust from your feet and moving on. So at least 55% of the time, focus on what you LIKE and LOVE about your partner and your relationship. AND focus on what you WANT, not what you DON'T want. If you want a monogamous relationship with someone who adores you--plus all the goodies you have in your current relationship--then eventually either the universe will cause your current partner to have a change of heart and come into line with what you want, or it will move him out of your life and leave room for your dream partner to move in.

2. Don't make any big changes in your situation until you feel better. Remember, you're going to be taking YOU with you into any situation, new or old, so feeling good about YOU is paramount. And if you focus on the bad stuff in any situation, you're going to be taking THAT with you into the next situation.

Sorry about the mini-novel. That's my $1.50, as awkwardly stated as it is. I wish you the very best.

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Old 01-23-2012, 05:14 PM
zylya zylya is offline
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The problem is that he's been very clear. Whether we agree with his methods or not, the one thing I can't say about him is that he's dishonest. He's quite specifically said that if you try and stop him you can't have a relationship with him.

So take the hint and dump his ass. The two of you are HUGELY incompatible, and there is no way to "make it work" because your goals are at odds with each other.

The only reason this is working out well for him and badly for you is because he knows you won't muster the self esteem to get rid of him. As soon as you do that thing, he'll claim that he'll change his tune and use every trick he has to try and keep you, but he'll end up breaking all those promises fairly soon anyway.

I know you don't want to hear it, but this relationship is not going to work out. Time to get out.
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Old 01-23-2012, 05:57 PM
swmnkdinthervr swmnkdinthervr is offline
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Default We are very sorry for your pain...

Sadly my wife and I concur with all the above. After reading this thread we both sense that you are unwilling/unable to clearly see what everyone is pointing out. Your need for acceptance and low self esteem will cause you to hold on to hope when there is little reason to hope. Clinging to what everyone seems to have recognized as a relationship that is detrimental to your emotional (and potentially physical) health!

We're newbies here so we don't claim to fully understand all the ins and outs of poly living but we feel certain what you are experiencing isn't what we perceive a loving poly relationship to be!

You really did know what you were getting into when you entered this "relationship" because he was honest, you need to remind yourself how early on you realized that this relationship was going to be tough on you and then ask the question of why you didn't STOP it right then! You appear to be living in misery, when will you be miserable enough to understand that loving someone doesn't guarantee respect or loving treatment in return?

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Old 01-23-2012, 06:55 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Current boyfriend may mean well and has been honest in a douchy way. But you don't want the same type of relationship and he is not interested in being more accommodating to your perspective. He's honest - good - but the 'my way or the highway' thing is not ok.

Even if you don't believe it, act like you deserve better. Pretend that you deserve relationships with people who are into you, think you are great, and want to be with you. Do this and it will happen.

There are men who will love and treasure you in the manner which you deserve and want. There are many fish in the sea who will be into you, treat you well, listen and work with you on issues.

You can do this. You can be on your own. Learn who you really are - you are infinitely more than the vicious tape in your head playing over and over, telling you you are worthless.

You may have already met potential dates and didn't realize it. I missed many an opportunity in my younger days because I did not believe that a hottie was actually flirting with me. I just wasn't confident enough to recognize it. Older me would just love to go back in time and point out to younger me - 'See! Totally checking you out! That was flirting! Go talk to him/her!'. I can guarantee that this is happening to you too.

Learn from my mistakes.
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Old 01-23-2012, 08:34 PM
ViableAlternative ViableAlternative is offline
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Default A voice from another perspective....

Hi there, moo.

I think I can offer a bit of a different perspective, because I understand the driving need for freedom and the ability to do what I want, when I want.

I place a huge amount of importance on being free to do my own thing and be my own self. And you know what? I STILL think your bf is being a douche! Seriously, and in a bad way.

He's not taking responsibility for his actions, and he's pushing all the blame a.d "fault" onto you, by the sound of it.

I, personally, need the freedom to go where I want, do what I want, etc. But that means I have to own that and be responsible for it. I am careful about partners and potential partners, and I simply do not date people who would be hurt (or worse, emotionally damaged) by that. We're incompatible, and that's okay. But it's no small responsibility! There are people who I have wanted very much to be involved with, and I chose not to be, because of that incompatibility. It's painful, to love someone, fall in love with them, know they feel the same way, and still walk away, because we approach life too differently to be compatible. It sucks. But it's the only responsible course.

Your bf has shirked that responsibility, in favor of fulfilling his own lusts and desires, and not caring what it does to you.

You have EVERY RIGHT to what you want and need in a relationship. You have EVERY RIGHT to have a fulfilled monogamous relationship. You have EVERY RIGHT to be heard, and loved. But you're not going to get that from someone who is incompatible with you. No matter how much you love him, you won't get a loving, monogamous relationship from this guy. You're being mistreated, and it breaks my heart that you feel like you can't do better. Mookitty, you can do SO, SO much better. You can find what you need. I seriously hope you will take the suggestion that someone gave to see if you can get a counsellor to talk to at your school. It may seem hard, but it's totally worth it, and you seriously deserve to feel good about yourself.
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Old 01-23-2012, 08:46 PM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Originally Posted by Mookitten View Post
But... What if I don't want to end it? What if I

I'm a bit awkward, and shy at first. . . And, honestly, I don't feel like anyone in their right minds would think I'm worth it. At least not as a main partner.

I feel like I'm only good in small doses, or with little commitment. I really cannot see how anyone would want a monogamous relationship with me, or even for me to be their primary...
Hey Mookitten,

Being awkward and shy doesn't mean that you are only good in small doses or with little commitment.

One of my oldest and dearest friends is somebody who is so shy that I knew him for 10 years before he could speak to me without being really quite drunk. This friend is also not physically attractive and at the time, worked in a low-paid, manual job and still lived with his parents at nearly 40 years of age.

But but but - once he started to talk and to engage, he became funny, interesting (his chats with me shaped my whole adult life) and I had such a crush on him.

My crush on him came to nothing in part because my wonderful wonderful best friend confessed to me that she had a crush on him. My best friend is funny, bright, beautiful, glamorous, caring - I fell in love with her when we first met and still love her.

She and my shy, unattractive, still living with his parents friend have been happily married for years and years now.

If he is worthy of my wonderful best friend (and she of him!) then I can't believe that you are not worthy of having somebody who takes your feelings into consideration no matter how shy you are!

I wish you well.

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