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  #11  
Old 01-22-2012, 08:54 PM
Mookitten Mookitten is offline
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But... What if I don't want to end it? What if I want to see if we can work it out? How do I address him about my feelings, or about how he needs to work with me to make us work, and not just do what ever he wants.

He says he'll always love me, and always make time for me... But I've honestly been questioning that love, too. I know he does, at least to some extent.

I'm just... Afraid not as much as he likes to say. I don't know what to do, but I don't want to end things with him.


Honestly, I'm not seeking praise or anything, because none of you actually know me. But I'm not something guys want, or something people want to actually spend time with.

I'm a bit awkward, and shy at first. And... He had to deal with a lot of that in order to get to where we are now. And, honestly, I don't feel like anyone in their right minds would think I'm worth it. At least not as a main partner.

I feel like I'm only good in small doses, or with little commitment. I really cannot see how anyone would want a monogamous relationship with me, or even for me to be their primary...
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  #12  
Old 01-22-2012, 09:51 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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The problem with trying to work it out is that it takes BOTH of you. He's made it quite clear that he's going to do what he wants and if you're not ok with it then this relationship isn't for you. You even say in a previous post
Quote:
He says this is what being polyamorous is. And that if I don't like it, then this isn't the relationship to be in
While I don't agree with the first part (there's no ONE way to be poly, but even so I'd take issue to him claiming that his actions are part of being poly) the second part is true.

He may SAY he loves you, but actions speak louder than words. Where is his care and compassion for you if he's in love with you?

You might want to see about getting counseling for your self-image issues. My husband is awkward and shy. It may make it harder to start a relationship, but it's not a bad thing. Above all you are a human being and on that basis alone deserve to be treated with respect and feel cared for by someone who claims to love you.

Also, this concerns me
Quote:
he and I do not use condoms. But he does with all of his other partners. And, honestly. I believe him. I do not think he has any reason to lie to me about that.
Unless there's a significant reason for him to use condoms with his other partners but not with you (i.e. they aren't on birth control while you are, etc) I would seriously question his assertion that he does with everyone else and only doesn't use them with you. He absolutely could have a reason to lie- you let him have sex with you without a condom because of his statements. Have you seen one of his test results showing him to be clean?

You're right, we don't know him and we don't know you, but from what you've posted it sure seems like he's taking advantage of your inexperience and sense of self to keep you hanging on so he can get what he wants from you whenever he wants it without having to give anything back he doesn't want to give.

ETA: I'm sorry you're hurting, but just because you love him doesn't mean he's the right person to be in a relationship with. You'll love a lot of people and relationships just won't be possible with some of them. You've asked him to change, he said no, so now it is up to you- do you want to continue this relationship as it is? Is that enough for you? Because the idealized version that you want is highly unlikely from everything you've said.
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Last edited by ThatGirlInGray; 01-22-2012 at 09:57 PM.
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  #13  
Old 01-22-2012, 10:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mookitten View Post
He says he'll always love me, and always make time for me... But I've honestly been questioning that love, too. I know he does, at least to some extent.
Love isn't worth much when you're not treated well. Parents who abuse their children say they love them, too. Don't be so desperate. Just because you don't believe you are worthy of the time and attention of someone who cares and can follow through on his statements of love with actions that make you feel wanted and valued, doesn't mean it is the truth. I don't think this boyfriend of yours is worth your time and attention, because he treats you with such disregard. Perhaps you should see a therapist or counselor and work on your self-esteem.

Re safe sex, I hope you realize you should get tested, whether you keep seeing him or not. If he doesn't use protection with you, what makes you think he is careful with anyone else? If you do keep seeing him, demand that he use a condom with you from now on. Just because he says he's been tested and is "clean" doesn't mean a damn thing if you haven't seen the test results (originals, not copies that can be doctored). The way he treats you, I wopuldn't trust what he says without proof. Wake up, honey!
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Last edited by nycindie; 01-22-2012 at 10:12 PM.
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  #14  
Old 01-22-2012, 11:06 PM
Mookitten Mookitten is offline
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He is careful with me because he knew he was my first. Therefore, he knew he couldn't get anything from me...

I understand the concern, I do. And I am considering making him wear a condom, or at least show me a test when he gets it done. I will get tested. (I'm just slightly afraid of getting it done.) We have health services here at my school, so I can get it done easily.

I understand it doesn't sound good, but I do trust him when he says these things. He hasn't lied to me. He has changed his words, but people and things change. I understand that.

:/ I know he sounds like he's a bad guy. And, part of me sometimes thinks so because of what others say about him. But he really does care about me, and he's there for me if I need him...

It isn't fair what he does to me, I know. But I'm going to try and talk to him about it, maybe work something out. Search his feelings some more, and get a clearer picture of what he thinks of me, you know?

He's never lied to me before.


And... If he wants me, for what ever purpose, at least I'm wanted. At least he loves me. It hurts sometimes, yes. But I do love him, and most of the time I'm very happy with him.

I think this is just a rough spot... Or maybe everything was easy until this point. I think it's too early to tell, and I need to communicate with him more.

It's hard to reach him for serious discussion, though. It usually has to be in person, and we don't see each other for weeks...
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  #15  
Old 01-22-2012, 11:20 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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If your school has health services they probably have mental health services too. Talk to a counselor. "at least I'm wanted" is an unhealthy thought process and will never lead to a relationship where you're treated well, because you will always put up with more than you should from your SO. It's similar to the thought process I've seen from people in abusive relationships.

I respect that you're trying to separate YOUR thoughts and opinions from what "everyone else says". That's commendable. But if literally EVERYONE you talk about this, friends as well as strangers, mono as well as poly folk are all telling you the same thing, hopefully you'll decide to listen.
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  #16  
Old 01-22-2012, 11:49 PM
Mookitten Mookitten is offline
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I am definitely taking all of your thoughts and opinions into consideration.

I will speak with him again when I can and hopefully either work something out, or at least figure out our feelings and where we want this relationship to go, etc.

Truly, thank you all for your opinions and help.

It's really tough not knowing anyone personally poly to discuss these things with. I wish I had a close friend or someone I could talk to about these things. But I suppose that's why you have a community like this.

Seriously, thank you.
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  #17  
Old 01-23-2012, 12:10 AM
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Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mookitten View Post
He says I have to accept him the way he is, or else we can't be together....

Oh. So you should be the only one bending and being considerate. Red flag.


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Originally Posted by Mookitten View Post
:/ His actions aren't up for debate, basically. If I say anything about it, he says I'm not letting him be his own person, and I'm trying to change him. That I'm not letting him be polyamorous.

And you can't call him out on his bullshit ever, because that's you hindering his 'self'. This my dear is a trap. Manipulation at play. What he's doing is far from ethical.


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Originally Posted by Mookitten View Post
I can't say anything about the people he picks to be his lovers, and I can't ask him not to sleep around. It seems like he's already made plans. Because he said he knew how the weekend was going to go.

I just... I don't know what to do.

People tell me that I shouldn't be the only one sacrificing in this relationship, but at the same time, aren't I denying him who he feels he is if I don't let him do "whatever the hell he wants"?

You don't know what to do because you've recognized this isn't right. You've recognized that YOU are the one doing the bending and twisting and dealing with the emotional discomfort. He seems to be mighty fine until you threaten to leave him, which is when he manipulates you yet again. When is enough going to be enough? Do you see yourself getting fed up anytime soon?


Quote:
Originally Posted by Mookitten View Post
Yes. I have spoken to him. This was the second time. And he basically said, this is what he was doing. And that's it. :/ I have no say in his life, or what he's doing... He just does it, and I have to deal with or. Or not deal with it.

He says I "knew what I was getting into" back when we met. Yes. He told me he was poly. But I mean... People have such vast definitions of what it means to be polyamorous. His seems to include taking lovers (and only telling me about them being together after they have been intimate. Apparently planning and meeting up before that doesn't mean a thing unless sexual acts happen.) and one night stands/threesomes/orgies/I don't even know what he has planned.

And... I just don't know. I have no say in what he does. He'd pick fucking multiple women over having a relationship with me any day. I think simply over the principle that I would be "making him choose".

You knew what you were getting into? How presumptuous of him. You can't control his actions and I'm sure you don't want to. But he's not even doing the minimum when it comes to taking your feelings into account. That's a problem and it won't be resolved until he stops being a selfish ass. Period.
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  #18  
Old 01-23-2012, 12:27 AM
Mookitten Mookitten is offline
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@Arrowbound,

Those things you pointed out, and saying they're manipulation and everything...


I'm just curious, but how would a "normal" poly (I use this term because apparently I've been told he isn't doing poly right) react to my hurt/fear/anxiety?

What would a normal polyamorous person do if their lover felt this hurt and worried about the actions they were going to, and planned on doing?
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  #19  
Old 01-23-2012, 12:44 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Assuming you and their relationship with you was important to them, I'd say a "normal" poly person (if the people on this forum are representative) would take a step back in order to deal with the situation without hurting their partner further. While they may not be able to address all the hurt/fear/anxiety at once, possibly because it would in turn hurt someone else important to them, they would work with you to try to find ways to deal with at least some of the problems. Maybe he's not ever going to stop sleeping with other people, but asking to be notified when he starts seeing someone and CERTAINLY before he starts sleeping with someone is easily done and in no way is you trying to "change" him. All you're asking for is basic respect and communication.

He's being selfish, not polyamorous. The only credit I'll give him is that he has been upfront, over and over, about the fact that he ISN'T going to change and he doesn't care about your needs or feelings. That's not a relationship. That's him using you, and you need to let him know that you are no longer going to tolerate it.
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  #20  
Old 01-23-2012, 03:22 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Also, if you asked a kind and thoughtful poly person to "save" a certain weekend or event to be focused on you, and to take a break from any other dalliances while you were with him at a certain event, he would at the very least consider it, rather than dismiss your request and say you were stifling him. He could sit down and offer a compromise, such as only allowing one evening out of three days together to hookup with someone else, and devote the rest of time there with you. Or some other arrangement that you could say you'd be comfortable with.

That's what communication, negotiation, and making agreements are all about. It's not enough to just say, "This is what I will do, so deal with it."
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Last edited by nycindie; 01-23-2012 at 03:26 AM.
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