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  #11  
Old 01-21-2012, 09:54 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Yeah, well it isn't working for all of you if only two our of three agree on something. That's not an agreement, that's a dictatorship. I don't know why you think you need therapy in all this, as you are being quite reasonable, while they are not listening to you and dismissing your needs. Yes, poly is talk-talk-talk, what's wrong with that? Why stew in this bullshit and feel like you have to put up with they want while they don't pay attention to what you want? Yes, by all means, speak up. If it didn't really bother you, you wouldn't have posted here about it.
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  #12  
Old 01-21-2012, 10:01 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default Exactly.

Thanks Brigids, sage words there. We did exactly that - I laid it all out this morning, telling them exactly how it was for me. That it was really disappointing and alienating that I didn't share the same level of emotion and NRE that they were having with each other, and that it made me feel guilty and pressured to always be "up" with them when I really just wanted to chill as a group. Like, I want to go at my pace sometimes, but I feel like I'm buzzkilling their groove as they're so "in the moment" with each other. Great! For Them! Not for Me! They didn't like it, in fact both of them cried. Intense. My GF wouldn't look me in the face for like an hour. Theories are great, but realities define relationships, and this reality is def changing. Are there other posts that you know of specifically around this? I googled it to death, don't know how many keyword combos you can try, but didn't turn up much....
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  #13  
Old 01-21-2012, 10:06 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default Talk Talk Talk

Hey nycindie, thanks for that. Don't mean to make it sound like I'm not into talking it out, it's just hard work/heavy lifting right now. Yes, it bothers me for sure - was hoping to find someone who'd say, "That totally happened with us..." There are no magic answers though, poly is a smallish community, so finding large average of people who've been through this might be tough, I guess. Altho mags seems to think that it's pretty standard, so maybe I'm wrong about that one.
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  #14  
Old 01-21-2012, 10:07 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Check out some master threads here, Golden Nuggets. And do a tag search on the topics I listed.
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There's no lying in polyamory!

I'm a 58 year old woman with 2 partners:
miss pixi, my live-in gf, 36 (together since Jan '09)
Ginger, bf, 61, married, lives nearby (together since Jan '12)
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  #15  
Old 01-21-2012, 10:09 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BaggagePatrol View Post
Hey nycindie, thanks for that. Don't mean to make it sound like I'm not into talking it out, it's just hard work/heavy lifting right now. Yes, it bothers me for sure - was hoping to find someone who'd say, "That totally happened with us..." There are no magic answers though, poly is a smallish community, so finding large average of people who've been through this might be tough, I guess. Altho mags seems to think that it's pretty standard, so maybe I'm wrong about that one.

Yeah, it happened to me. Tho she didnt want sex with me... not that part. I wanted sex with her tho. But she was just into my (now ex) husband and their NRE was outa control.

Its a very common scenario in triads. And your original rule is often made, sex with all 3 or nothing. Seems silly, people's sex drives can vary. What if youre bleeding and having cramps and just wanna curl up w a heating pad, while she is ovulating? Sheesh.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

There's no lying in polyamory!

I'm a 58 year old woman with 2 partners:
miss pixi, my live-in gf, 36 (together since Jan '09)
Ginger, bf, 61, married, lives nearby (together since Jan '12)

Last edited by Magdlyn; 01-21-2012 at 10:11 PM.
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  #16  
Old 01-21-2012, 10:11 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BaggagePatrol View Post
Yes, it bothers me for sure - was hoping to find someone who'd say, "That totally happened with us..." There are no magic answers though, poly is a smallish community, so finding large average of people who've been through this might be tough, I guess. Altho mags seems to think that it's pretty standard, so maybe I'm wrong about that one.
Omigosh, yes, there are tons of threads here by people who have gone through the same or similar issues as you are now. The phrases and words Mags suggested can be searched either through the Advanced Search or Tags (see bar at top of each page).
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  #17  
Old 01-21-2012, 10:21 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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I was in a long term triad MFF for over two decades that ended due to death. We were a vee. Now, I'll have to give our husband credit, he worked very hard over the fairness issue ~ sometimes to the point that it drove us both nuts. I do think that is very important for the first few years or when there is a new major change in life that disrupts routine. But after awhile, as you said, you out-grow the rules.

It could be that you have indeed reached the phase where you do not all have to be together all the time. Your mates are so incredibly sweet to want to include you and to so strongly look out for your feelings. If you want to go this next step, you need to reassure them and really mean it. If you can't really mean it, then you aren't ready. And part of the reassurance does mean making new rules so everyone knows what the expectation is without having to guess.
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  #18  
Old 01-21-2012, 10:26 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default Tag the words thank you!

Thanks for the tags heads up, and for sharing mags. Feel stupid as this rule was my suggestion - had no idea that it would end up biting me in the butt like this. Oh wellz, can't read the future, or else I'd be buying WAY more lottery tickets.

bookbug - so so sorry to hear about your loss, that is totally tragic. And yes, they are working very hard to be careful of my feelings. I guess my frustration is just bubbling over.
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  #19  
Old 01-22-2012, 12:31 AM
peabean peabean is offline
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I'm in a MFF triad, and our 'rules' change all the time! It is nice of them to worry about your feelings so much but people do change over time. In my opinion one of the tests of a relationship is if all the people can grow and change (as they MUST) and still love each other.

I find that we go through ups and downs like any other couple. Sometimes two of us are more into it than the other, sometimes all 3 of us are raring to go! We try to just let things come naturally. Don't feel like coming to bed? Cool. We make it clear that there is an opportunity for sex and if someone bows out then there is no pressure. Not that there isn't guilt, we're still working on that part. This goes for activities other than sex too.

Do you go on dates in pairs? We didn't do that at first, but after about 9 months we started to do it to take advantage of our built in babysitter quality. I never realized how much we were missing! Its great to have that kind of time to connect. I know it sounds weird, but we bring a lot of positive energy back to the triad relationship by dating in couples. Perhaps your GF and BF could try that?
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  #20  
Old 01-22-2012, 01:58 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BaggagePatrol View Post
bookbug - so so sorry to hear about your loss, that is totally tragic. And yes, they are working very hard to be careful of my feelings. I guess my frustration is just bubbling over.
Thanks so much for your kind words!
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