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  #341  
Old 01-21-2012, 09:30 AM
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rory rory is offline
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I agree with ShrodingersCat. You shouldn't need to worry about sounding jealous. You shouldn't even need to worry about being jealous. It is ok to feel a little jealous sometimes. Why are you worried about that? Do you feel that if you try to talk to him, he will just dismiss you by saying "you're just jealous"? If that happens, it's not cool and you need to tell him that. He is your partner, and he can help you by listening to your worries, and alleviating your fears, and he should be willing to do that. We all need a bit of support every now and then.

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Originally Posted by amdada View Post
I don't want to control how much time they spend together, but at the same time, I wonder if they are getting too caught up in the NRE and setting themselves up for hurt later, when someone finds a new partner, or gets a time consuming job, or moves closer to me...etc. I have tried to talk to my partner about it but don't know how to approach the subject without sounding jealous.
Think about what people are like when they are in NRE in mono relationships. They tend to spend time with each other 24/7. Whether mono or poly, it's ok as long as existing commitments aren't ignored too badly (in poly the existing commitments just include existing partner(s)). You don't need to worry about them being hurt when they can't spend all that time with each other anymore. They'll be fine and get used to it when the time comes, and besides NRE passes in a while and they'll be themselves again.

Now then, on to you. If you feel that your partner is giving you the same attention and consideration now that he was before, that's good. However, if you feel like he isn't, or even if you feel that you need a little more to help you feel like he isn't forgetting you, you should communicate that to him. If you feel like you'd like a bit more from him, try to think about something concrete to ask for. It's can be hard to respond to a abstract wish "I'd like more", easier to negotiate something when you have something to start from like "could you call me once more during week and maybe I could meet her the next time I'm there". (I don't know if you've met, but if you haven't I think that might be a good idea.)

You could also tell him that you'd like to know that he'll still have time and a place for you in his life, as he develops a relationship with her. I sense that's something you're a bit worried about? It's ok to ask him to confirm that.

Last edited by rory; 01-21-2012 at 10:37 AM.
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  #342  
Old 01-24-2012, 07:27 PM
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beginninglove beginninglove is offline
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so i know i saw this coming in many ways. totally predictable, i suppose. but i am IN IT with K. i have totally chosen this in some ways, by spending so much time with her while alex is away. physically i am just melting into her. we spent all of sunday in her bed, only getting dressed to answer the door for food delivery. completely heavenly.

i am so taken by her that i do feel a little scared. its too easy for me to go to this place of judging, comparing, worrying about how good this feels, wondering if i am an NRE addict or something since i had it pretty bad for sam too. this is only my second ongoing sexual relationship since alex and i opened up our relationship last summer, so i still feel so new and inexperienced with this, trying to keep it all in perspective.

i do feel like i am falling in love with K, but there are so many ways to define that. its been a month since we started seeing each other, so by some definitions there is no way we could know each other well enough for it to be love, it has to be NRE, of course. the sex is AMAYYZING, i am so into her physically, last night she made me scream and it felt really emotionally intense. i hope i didn't scare her with how intense i was feeling. but even besides the sex, i love hearing her talk, love hearing her stories, i am completely inspired by how creative and artistic she is.

it is hard to know how much to say to alex. she says she likes to be in the loop and wants to know what is going on with me, but she also says she appreicates that i practice "loving-kindness" in my communication with her as opposed to "radical honesty". so its hard to know sometimes what is considered "withholding information" as opposed to being gentle in my communication. do i need to tell alex i feel like i might be falling in love with K when it might just be NRE and is too soon to know what is going to happen?

alex has been reading tristan taormino's book "opening up" and it has been really helpful. she has been a lot more patient with me and able to ask directly for what she needs in terms of reassurance and information and such.

my best friend said to me the other day "i am not sure what you are doing being married." i don't know how much that has to do with her not really getting the poly stuff or if maybe she onto the same thing that others on this forum have suggested. i don't always know what i am doing being married, but i guess all will be revealed in time.
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  #343  
Old 01-30-2012, 06:39 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Well, this is fun! I was going to start a new thread, but decided to use the tag search function (I has netiquette) and found my answer here.

I was going to ask if one can have NRE for friends. I think I met new friends today. No one ran away in disgust, and no one spit food, and we had fun and civil, AND POLY, conversation.

I've been pretty unwell for at least two weeks, and haven't had energy to do my things that must be done for longer than that. Today, I did more than I've done on one weekend day for a long time. I don't care if it's friendship NRE or that I'm final feeling better (or both), I'm just glad to have it.

NRE in my relationship (my polyship?) my vee, is interesting to me. I have been doing the rollercoaster. I really appreciate how rekindling my sexual relationship with First bf is making me appreciate Current bf even more. In many ways this is old slippers for all of us, but in many more, it's brand new territory.
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  #344  
Old 01-30-2012, 07:37 AM
bella123456 bella123456 is offline
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I've also been thinking of NRE a little of late. I've had numerous poly relationships in my past and numerous mono relationships. I don't really think of myself as poly or mono, but rather tend to work towards structure and comfort zones that seem appropriate at the time.

I have a question for others though, I tend to equate NRE as part of falling in love... I can't recall experiencing NRE outside of that. I have not felt NRE for partners I may love and adore... But are not in love with.
And I also feel that part of falling in love is the total abandon to that process. I don't have any interest in turning down the volume on that one... If anything I'm likely to want to turn it up :-)

Do other people link NRE to falling in love?
Or do others experience NRE outside of falling in love ?
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  #345  
Old 01-30-2012, 08:20 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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I very often feel NRE for things other than falling in love.

When I started my last degree, I can remember walking on air for weeks. And the same when I finished it.

I've had it over jobs.

Very often over platonic friendships.

And also with falling in love.

I have tried to take out and look at the feeling to see if I feel it differently when falling in love and I don't. It's pretty much the same thing to me. Lots of giddy excitement followed by the work and effort of trying to make the new bright thing in my life work.

I've sometimes wondered if that is part of the reason for me being so contented with being single for so long. The need for that sort of feeling in my life can be fulfilled whether or not I'm in a relationship.
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  #346  
Old 02-01-2012, 12:46 AM
JohnnyDangerously JohnnyDangerously is offline
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The NRE from my LDR is making me feel like a damn 16 yo kid again!!
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  #347  
Old 02-01-2012, 09:01 PM
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beginninglove beginninglove is offline
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i'm not really sure why i continue to be compelled to post on this blog, as i feel like my story is sort of boring and old hat compared to some of the others on this forum. not that it matters, because i suppose it is giving me an opportunity to reflect and perhaps offer my experience as something that someone else might be able to learn something from someday. still though, i wonder why i am writing here instead of just journaling about it.

alex has been quite emotional lately even though she has also been very open and inviting me to talk about my feelings for K. we have been doing pretty well with holding everything that is going on, but it has been very emotional for both of us. mostly i just want more freedom and alex wants more of my time and energy. it is a hard balance to strike. i have been doing everything i can to reassure her and pay her as much attention as i can, making sure to make extra time for her and make special plans for us to have quality time together.

it is hard to balance all the feelings and energy that comes with the NRE with the intensity and sometimes heaviness that comes with transitioning an existing mono relationship into a poly one. i find myself fantasizing about leaving again even though we are getting better about being able to work through our communication issues and alex has been able to get comfortable with me having more and more freedom to do what i want and make requests that she was previously uncomfortable with, like me sleeping over at K's occasionally.

i suppose my fantasies about leaving still have to do with just wanting to do whatever i want without having to be accountable or restrict myself to preserve someone else's feelings, but maybe that is just me needing to learn how to strike this balance and manage my NRE better. i am still so new at this, and the energy with K has all the classic NRE symptoms: adrenaline surges, distracting thoughts, high sexual energy, junkie-like cravings. i miss her constantly, and i am distracted by thoughts of her when i am with alex.

i find myself "going through the motions" with alex in terms of sex, even kissing, although we have always been easily affectionate when it comes to cuddling and such and that part hasn't changed. she talks about fears of being the "cuddly, dependable teddy bear" instead of someone exciting and sexy to me and i fear she is kind of right. i think it could help me if she got a crush on someone else, but she says she is still not ready for that and might not ever be. she may just be wired for monogamy and that's okay, but sometimes it does feel like a lot of pressure on me.
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  #348  
Old 02-02-2012, 04:10 AM
bassman bassman is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by beginninglove View Post
i'm not really sure why i continue to be compelled to post on this blog, as i feel like my story is sort of boring and old hat compared to some of the others on this forum.
Please keep posting, I'm enjoying your story.
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  #349  
Old 02-02-2012, 10:16 AM
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rory rory is offline
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^Agreed. I started to write the following, and I see that the situation you have with Alex is a lot like the one I had with my husband Alec (hah ) for a long time. I managed to initiate change, and we lived through the changes to this point, where both of us are more independent and more satisfied. Just that I notice that the text will be long, and I am sorry if you feel like it's too much, or too coloured by my own experience. I want to share what I feel can help you, but if you wish me to shut up in your journal, please tell me so.

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Originally Posted by beginninglove View Post
mostly i just want more freedom and alex wants more of my time and energy. it is a hard balance to strike.
Hmm, I see a dynamic here, one where it is always you who wants more freedom, and it is always Alex who wants more from you. I wonder if there was any way to break free from that dynamic.

Obviously, breaking up will do that for you, but that's sort of an easy way out (even though it's hard!). I think falling into a dynamic that isn't really working for either, that is a compromise for both of you and not in a good way, is not uncommon. It can be hard to change the dynamic, so hard that in the end, when resentment has built enough, people see no way out but ending the whole relationship. Yet, the reason neither of the persons initiated change was because they were afraid that the relationship wouldn't survive. Do you see my point?

The dynamic you have. Right now you do have an incompability. You are in a situation where you feel the most pressing need for freedom, indepencence, and lack of restrictions. It seems from that perspective like Alex and her needs are standing in the way of that, but we don't know why she needs what she needs (or, well, I don't know, you may have some idea, and Alex may have some idea or know, but it may be unclear to her as well). It may be that Alex wants a partner who is there for her a lot more than you can provide. But it may also be that the reason she needs much from you is because she is afraid of something; of loosing you, or of grabbing her own independence, or looking at what she wants and finding out that even if she feels like she needs a relationship with you she doesn't want one (e.g. because of the whole poly thing).

And really, Alex isn't standing in the way of anything. You are restraining yourself because you are afraid and maybe you think that is what relationships are about. (And, often, it is how relationships work, but it's not always something that brings happiness.) You need to figure out your own needs in terms of independence, and you need to make boundaries. That links in with this:

Quote:
Originally Posted by beginninglove View Post
i find myself "going through the motions" with alex in terms of sex, even kissing, although we have always been easily affectionate when it comes to cuddling and such and that part hasn't changed.
Going through the motions isn't good. But that is excactly one of the problems when you don't have proper boundaries for yourself: you can't truly enjoy other person's company and be present. It is very likely that there are good aspects to your relationship with Alex, and there are things you appreciate about her, and you do want to spend time and cuddle and be affectionate with her. But it is just not possible to see all that when you are too close. You aren't able to miss her if you feel you are spending so much time together that it's suffocating you. You can't enjoy touch if it's there even when you don't want to be touched. Do you agree? This is one of the reasons why it is actually better for Alex, too, when you do make your boundaries. She may resist them, because people easily resist change, and fear what it may lead to. But the position she is in now isn't really fair to her, is it? That she is this annoyance and hindrance between you and all you want, and your relationship with her feels like a duty rather than something you want. When really you would very likely actually want it, if only you would reject the idea that Alex is entitled to your time, and take the space and time you need for yourself.

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Originally Posted by beginninglove View Post
i think it could help me if she got a crush on someone else, but she says she is still not ready for that and might not ever be. she may just be wired for monogamy and that's okay, but sometimes it does feel like a lot of pressure on me.
And you do see that Alex finding another partner is another easy way out of the compromise situation where you are, just like breaking up is? The hard way out is for you to figure out what level of independence you need for yourself, making boundaries around that, expressing them to Alex, and then living by them while waiting patiently to see her response: if she will try to pressure you to give in (which may happen but you need to resist in order to hold onto your boundaries), if she will be unhappy and break up with you, or if she can, with time, find ways to happiness in the new situation/dynamic.

Now, I do think the whole NRE stuff is going to complicate things, and that is unfortunate. I think you should put the other relationship aside in your thoughts when you are figuring this out: what level of independence do you want, in general? I doubt it would be healthy for you to state "I want time and space for myself" and then spend all your time with K (as you seem to realise yourself, when you talk about the possibility of being single, that even if you had all the freedom to be with K 24/7 it wouldn't actually be good for you). Maybe you could start by making boundaries around the NRE thing: not the ones that are needed by Alex, but ones that you think are needed for your own benefit. Maybe, if Alex is away from home, your reaction shouldn't be to run to K but to be alone and do your own thing?

Do you think it is possible for you to stay where you are and work on this? Do you think it would be better for you to distance yourself from the situation? What if you moved out, to your own apartment, and focused on yourself? Is that a scary thought, moving out? How do you think Alex would react to that proposal? The scarier it feels, the more necessary it probably is, because the harder it is for you to make changes when you're living with Alex.

This is an example: how do you feel about the idea that you would move out and get your own apartment. This would be agreed for a set period of time, say, 4 months, and then revisited. During this time, you would make a boundary with yourself and commit to it, that you will only meet with K once a week (max. 24 hours at a time). You would also express this to Alex, as something you have decided, not as something she is making you do. You also agree with Alex to meet two times a week, once to work on your relationship with all the heavy talking and processing and feelings and stuff, and once to spend time together relaxing and cuddling and enjoying each other's company, trying to focus on that. The rest of the time is for yourself, for your own, independent life, not connected to your romantic/sexual partners. You can take time for friends and hobbies, but you should also take time for yourself.

How do you feel about that example? Do you see that there are aspects there that would be helpful? Feel free to modify. [Sorry to write a novel! I'm writing because I want to help, but it also helps me to process my own thoughts around these things, that's why it's long.]
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  #350  
Old 02-03-2012, 09:16 PM
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beginninglove beginninglove is offline
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Please keep posting, I'm enjoying your story.
Thank you, bassman. I didn't know it when I wrote that but I guess I was curious if anyone was reading!
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