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Old 01-21-2012, 03:25 AM
Naomi Naomi is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 13
Default New to the idea... Advice appreciated :)

Hi all,

I'm looking for a little advice... My fiance and I are just beginning to traverse the waters of polyamory. We are both completely new to it and have only recently discussed actually acting on the idea of us having romantic, loving relationships outside of our relationship. We've discussed polyamory before and we've had an open relationship for about 2 out of the 4 years we've been together. For those two years, we've been having sex with other people, mostly together and sometimes without each other. Always being totally honest and planning it all before hand (never doing anything unless the other knew about it and was totally okay with it happening). We have never had any romantic relationships with any of these people... Only friends, with some awesome sex!

Over that time, I've developed feelings for a fwb I've had... This fwb and I have been sleeping together on and off for about two years. The only reason we were ever "off" was because he got a girlfriend. Anyway, I've developed some serious feelings for this guy, as he's one of my best friends and I also enjoy having sex with him. My fiancé noticed this and had a talk with me about it, letting me know he's okay that I have these feelings and he's even okay with me pursuing them and becoming this man's girlfriend.

Now, the problem I am having is what to do from here. I'm not sure how to bring it up to the other guy and I'm in pain almost every day now wondering how this guy feels about me! Furthermore, this guy has no idea that my man and I are now okay with romantic feelings developed, so I feel like even if he does have feelings, he’d be holding back because he thinks it wouldn’t be okay. It's driving me crazy... But this guy has made it clear to me, many times, he's not the sharing type... So I really feel like there isn't a chance he'd even be into it. I also don't want to rush and bring it up because he just got out of a relationship. To complicate things further, he's actually moving in with my fiance and I next month (as a roommate).

I keep wondering if I'll be able to keep having sex with him, even if he doesn't feel the same. And I wonder why I'm so hurt right now... Because the truth is, even if he does feel the same and we do enter into a romantic relationship, it's not like it will be exclusive and I'll have to prepare myself for the inevitability of him leaving me to find a wife and start a family, because I can't be those things for him. I'm not looking to have another husband - NOT another equal partner. I'm looking for a secondary partner. I have already found the man whom I want to marry and have children with... And I’m pretty sure this guy, whom I want to be my secondary, is the type who does eventually want a wife and a family.

Anyway, I guess you can tell I’m kind of confused and in pain because of it. I just have no one to ask about these sorts of things and I’m trying to figure out what the hell to do.

I imagine I’m not the only one that’s been completely confused as to how to approach the second partner! (Especially when the second partner is a good friend whom you’ve had a sexual relationship with... Not to mention this guy also probably has no idea polyamory exists, he’s pretty vanilla when it comes to these things! It took him awhile to warm up to the idea of sleeping with me while I had a fiancé and this fiancé being okay with it.)

Any and all advice or comments is greatly appreciated.
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