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Old 01-21-2012, 01:37 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 757
Default Trying to Wrap my Head Around This:

Backstory: I am 2.5 months out of a vee triad with a couple ~ the woman was a childhood friend (although we'd been in and out of touch through our adult years), and her husband. The triad lasted about 10 months; started devolving at about 2 months due to massive insecurity and self-esteem issues of the wife, my friend. No doubt the problem was exacerbated by how perfectly suited her husband and I are. (We didn't know it when we began, but she is in ISFJ and the husband and I are both INTJs.) My presence seemed to shine a spotlight on their incompatibilities that neither fully recognized before.

Although I was in a long term MFF triad prior to this one that ended due to the death of our husband, that is the extent of my excursion into polyamory. No other configurations. My friend and her husband had been involved in an informal sexual threesome that dissolved due to incompatibility issues. Not a lot of emotional involvement. So according to the husband, he had never really seriously considered polyamory, and it was only upon meeting me and the near “love at first sight” that we both experienced, that led him to propose the triad scenario to his wife. (Given that their previous threesome was promoted by his wife, and that she and I loved each other, it seemed like it ought to work out just fine. Ahem.)

Okay, fast forward, I've moved out and they are working on their marriage. While the husband and I would still very much like to have the triad at some point, she wants no part of it. It's a dead issue. Whether or not their marriage is repairable remains to be seen. However, as there are children involved, they both have a major incentive to find some way to make it work between them, at least until the children are grown ~ which is still 8 years in the future. Not to mention a long history together ~ married 14 years.

My friend and I are rebuilding our relationship and are getting along just fine.

The issue that the husband and I are running up against is that despite the fact that our relationship is now completely platonic and we no longer live in the same house, the depth of our connection remains the same. Our connection is expressed only intellectually; we do not indulge in the emotional side at all (it would be too painful). We are both suppressing / compartmentalizing / internalizing. Unbeknownst to each other (until we discussed it today), we've both been trying to convince ourselves that perhaps we really didn't want the triad or need to be with each other. Yeah, that's not working either.

So here he and I are with these deep feelings still wholly intact despite the situation. Neither of us really know what to do with this. We see no reasonable hope that his wife ~ my friend ~ will ever change her mind. He will not divorce her because he takes very seriously his responsibilities to his wife and children, and I fully support and respect that. He really has no room to maneuver so to speak. Me? Well, I'm at loose ends. Theoretically I'm wide open to the possibilities ~ except for this suppressed pain at not being able to be with him.

I am coming to understand that although I have lived in a triad situation, I've never had the experience of having two male loves. Yet when I move forward that is exactly what I will have if I find another partner, because I'm still so connected to my friend's husband, and neither of us believe the connection will ever be completely extinguished. (In fact, we both harbor hopes that at some point in time our fortunes will change, but....)

To add to the issue, he really does not know how he will cope if I do find another partner. He is the epitome of logic and understands intellectually that people are not interchangeable, but there have been emotional surprises for him this past year, and so the possibility that he may not handle it well causes us both some insecurity. And yet we both know that waiting for he and his wife to figure out their shit may be years off, and it still not may result in a way for he and I to be together.

So, my questions are these:

Has anyone else found themselves in a situation where the connection with a lover remained long after any way of expressing it has been curtailed?

If so how did you cope?

All thoughts, experiences and insights will be very welcome!
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