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  #1  
Old 01-21-2012, 01:37 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Default Trying to Wrap my Head Around This:

Backstory: I am 2.5 months out of a vee triad with a couple ~ the woman was a childhood friend (although we'd been in and out of touch through our adult years), and her husband. The triad lasted about 10 months; started devolving at about 2 months due to massive insecurity and self-esteem issues of the wife, my friend. No doubt the problem was exacerbated by how perfectly suited her husband and I are. (We didn't know it when we began, but she is in ISFJ and the husband and I are both INTJs.) My presence seemed to shine a spotlight on their incompatibilities that neither fully recognized before.

Although I was in a long term MFF triad prior to this one that ended due to the death of our husband, that is the extent of my excursion into polyamory. No other configurations. My friend and her husband had been involved in an informal sexual threesome that dissolved due to incompatibility issues. Not a lot of emotional involvement. So according to the husband, he had never really seriously considered polyamory, and it was only upon meeting me and the near “love at first sight” that we both experienced, that led him to propose the triad scenario to his wife. (Given that their previous threesome was promoted by his wife, and that she and I loved each other, it seemed like it ought to work out just fine. Ahem.)

Okay, fast forward, I've moved out and they are working on their marriage. While the husband and I would still very much like to have the triad at some point, she wants no part of it. It's a dead issue. Whether or not their marriage is repairable remains to be seen. However, as there are children involved, they both have a major incentive to find some way to make it work between them, at least until the children are grown ~ which is still 8 years in the future. Not to mention a long history together ~ married 14 years.

My friend and I are rebuilding our relationship and are getting along just fine.

The issue that the husband and I are running up against is that despite the fact that our relationship is now completely platonic and we no longer live in the same house, the depth of our connection remains the same. Our connection is expressed only intellectually; we do not indulge in the emotional side at all (it would be too painful). We are both suppressing / compartmentalizing / internalizing. Unbeknownst to each other (until we discussed it today), we've both been trying to convince ourselves that perhaps we really didn't want the triad or need to be with each other. Yeah, that's not working either.

So here he and I are with these deep feelings still wholly intact despite the situation. Neither of us really know what to do with this. We see no reasonable hope that his wife ~ my friend ~ will ever change her mind. He will not divorce her because he takes very seriously his responsibilities to his wife and children, and I fully support and respect that. He really has no room to maneuver so to speak. Me? Well, I'm at loose ends. Theoretically I'm wide open to the possibilities ~ except for this suppressed pain at not being able to be with him.

I am coming to understand that although I have lived in a triad situation, I've never had the experience of having two male loves. Yet when I move forward that is exactly what I will have if I find another partner, because I'm still so connected to my friend's husband, and neither of us believe the connection will ever be completely extinguished. (In fact, we both harbor hopes that at some point in time our fortunes will change, but....)

To add to the issue, he really does not know how he will cope if I do find another partner. He is the epitome of logic and understands intellectually that people are not interchangeable, but there have been emotional surprises for him this past year, and so the possibility that he may not handle it well causes us both some insecurity. And yet we both know that waiting for he and his wife to figure out their shit may be years off, and it still not may result in a way for he and I to be together.

So, my questions are these:

Has anyone else found themselves in a situation where the connection with a lover remained long after any way of expressing it has been curtailed?

If so how did you cope?

All thoughts, experiences and insights will be very welcome!
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Old 01-21-2012, 04:30 AM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Hello Bookbug...interesting story!
I think I can speak to this on a couple of levels.
I understand the compatibility issue since I work with the MBTI professionally and I could see how your connection with her husband might have scared her because on some level she realizes she and he will never connect in that way.
I can also relate to having a male soul mate that you connect deeply with, but for certain reasons, you can't be together......because I have one. We met about 10 years ago at a convention. We live about 1,000 miles apart, but we still see each other occasionally. About once a year we get together for a week or two and it's like no time has passed. During our time apart we don't even talk on the phone, e-mail or text.
If I were in your situation, I would turn the focus back on myself and my future. Who are you? What do you want? Where are you going? What are you going to create or pursue for yourself?.....and then I would make some decisions, choices and a few action plans.
Having multiple male partners is great! That's what polyamory is all about!!!
Also- if you had another male partner, your female friend (his wife) might not feel so threatened.
I also understand needing some time to get your bearings....good luck and keep us posted!!
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Old 01-21-2012, 02:50 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by idealist View Post
Hello Bookbug...interesting story!
I think I can speak to this on a couple of levels.
I understand the compatibility issue since I work with the MBTI professionally and I could see how your connection with her husband might have scared her because on some level she realizes she and he will never connect in that way.
I am quite sure you are correct about this. And sadly she didn't understand that people are not interchangeable ~ that he (both of us actually) love her for all the things that make her unique.
Quote:
Originally Posted by idealist View Post
I can also relate to having a male soul mate that you connect deeply with, but for certain reasons, you can't be together......because I have one. We met about 10 years ago at a convention. We live about 1,000 miles apart, but we still see each other occasionally. About once a year we get together for a week or two and it's like no time has passed. During our time apart we don't even talk on the phone, e-mail or text.
While I would not wish this situation on anybody, it's comforting to know someone knows what I'm talking about.

Right now, they live only about 35 miles from me and we see each other a couple of times per week. While it's possible that life may separate us by distance due to work, etc., it's just as likely it won't. I am glad they are nearby, but both he and I mourn what could have been. It's probably a matter of acceptance.
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Originally Posted by idealist View Post
If I were in your situation, I would turn the focus back on myself and my future. Who are you? What do you want? Where are you going? What are you going to create or pursue for yourself?.....and then I would make some decisions, choices and a few action plans.
I'm working on it. :-) It's proven to be a bit of a challenge.
Quote:
Originally Posted by idealist View Post
Having multiple male partners is great! That's what polyamory is all about!!!
Also- if you had another male partner, your female friend (his wife) might not feel so threatened.
She has intimated that this might be true. I appreciate your viewpoint, because while I logically knew that when she made these inferences, she was saying this would change how she feels. How she always described it (and not to me, to her husband) was in terms that I just needed a new guy to get over him (the husband). This concept tended to freak us both out (figuratively speaking), because of her seeming failure to understand that whether I have a new man in my life or not, I'm still going to feel the same about her husband and he me, only now with more people involved.

Thank you for your insight!
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Old 01-21-2012, 02:56 PM
polyq4 polyq4 is offline
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I think the one thing that she will not understand by doing this is that this will eventually break down the relationship between her and her husband. Even if subconsciously, he may not realise it now but eventually it will. She is breaking it up and forcing the 2 of you apart and whether he says it won't now, it will. IMHO. And of course no one has said that to her.
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Old 01-21-2012, 03:26 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
How she always described it (and not to me, to her husband) was in terms that I just needed a new guy to get over him (the husband). This concept tended to freak us both out (figuratively speaking), because of her seeming failure to understand that whether I have a new man in my life or not, I'm still going to feel the same about her husband and he me, only now with more people involved.
Hmmm, I dunno, bookbug. Personally, I fully ascribe to Mae West's dating advice:

"The best way to get over a man is to get under another one."

Finding another guy who is emotionally, sexually available and eager for your company would definitely help. I am not saying get back into the dating world today, tomorrow or next week. Take your time to grieve the loss of your bf. But perhaps you will be more wary in the future of dating/sexing a married poly man whose wife is kinda iffy about the whole situation.

Your feelings about your (former) bf and your good female friend will inevitably change as you reassess and move on in your life. I am not saying your love for them will change, but ex bf's place in your emotional life will shift as you focus on an ardent, available new lover or lovers. I hope he remains a dear platonic friend and your female friend's jealousy abates as she builds her self esteem and trust.
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Old 01-21-2012, 04:27 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by polyq4 View Post
I think the one thing that she will not understand by doing this is that this will eventually break down the relationship between her and her husband. Even if subconsciously, he may not realise it now but eventually it will. She is breaking it up and forcing the 2 of you apart and whether he says it won't now, it will. IMHO. And of course no one has said that to her.
Yes. Actually, despite all of the our explanation (we worked on these issues for 8 months with me in the house), she failed to understand. He pointed out to her that by her demand that we separate, she was hurting him, which would actually harm the two of them no matter how much he didn't want that outcome.

She feels that his love for me devalues her; he feels that her failure to understand that it does not is a rejection of who he is. (She won't even recognize that he believes that even if she cannot. More along the lines of that just isn't possible.)

It's very sad. I suspect because of the children they will both choose to hang together for the duration though. However, I could be wrong.
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Old 01-21-2012, 04:29 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Hmmm, I dunno, bookbug. Personally, I fully ascribe to Mae West's dating advice:

"The best way to get over a man is to get under another one."
Okay, this made me literally laugh out loud.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post

Finding another guy who is emotionally, sexually available and eager for your company would definitely help. I am not saying get back into the dating world today, tomorrow or next week. Take your time to grieve the loss of your bf. But perhaps you will be more wary in the future of dating/sexing a married poly man whose wife is kinda iffy about the whole situation.

Your feelings about your (former) bf and your good female friend will inevitably change as you reassess and move on in your life. I am not saying your love for them will change, but ex bf's place in your emotional life will shift as you focus on an ardent, available new lover or lovers. I hope he remains a dear platonic friend and your female friend's jealousy abates as she builds her self esteem and trust.
And perhaps that is what each of us find the most frightening.
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