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Old 01-18-2012, 05:40 AM
sealace sealace is offline
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 14
Default Secondary messes / Roller coaster ride

I have a primary who lives in another state, and have been (openly) seeing other people, both monos and polys, for the last few months.

There are four people I've seen somewhat regularly since summer, though in the last couple of months they've all faltered for one or another reason. Being that I am in a new, large city, this has caused me to feel unstable and sad.

Here are the dilemmas/problems with each (your feedback/support welcome!):

1. Married poly man-amazing chemistry, lots of fun together. Problem: I fell madly in love with him. But regardless of my feelings and the amazing connection we have, and the great times together, when we are apart the messages I get from him are detached and non-emotional. I find it frustrating and strange that he can be so warm and close when we're together and then just totally detach when we're not. Men, can you give me some insights here? Or women, for that matter. The last straw for me was over the holidays when I only got two measly messages from him, both sort of generic. I'm not good at that type of relationship! So I wrote him a letter saying as much, and he responded by saying I should trust my instincts if it's still not working for me after we had a big talk a month ago, and that maybe we can at least be friends. So sad and frustrated with this.

2. Mono single girl. Sweet as can be. Ultimately I can't make her happy because she wants to be exclusive, but we've become close friends. But she's saying she thinks it would be too hard to hang out and not be physical too. I really don't want to lose her friendship though. I've come to like her so much, though not "in love".

3. Boy with primary girlfriend. His g.f. dumped me for a host of reasons (never met her, a strange "first") then changed her mind and supposedly we can hang out again. Kinda funny.

So, please send your thoughts/comments on one and two. It's tough to be away from my partner, get close to people but then have things get screwed up and end, or threaten to end. Bottom line-frustrated that man #1 seems so much less invested in our relationship than I have been, even as friends (though he says he wants to be one). #2 Really sad at the thought of losing this new close girlfriend. Ug. Poly is tough.

thanks for listening.
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