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  #31  
Old 01-15-2012, 01:48 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Originally Posted by cheryl View Post
I do wonder if it isnt hardwired into the brains of certain men, although I realize that sounds sexist.
I think not being able to handle your partner being with another person IS hardwired into the brains of some men AND women. So, not a sexist statement, just incomplete. Just like being mono or poly might be hardwired in most individuals.

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Originally Posted by Icewraithonyx View Post
For me, I think it was the fact that Wife had been intimate with other people before we got married and she still loved me enough to get married. So I guess those relationship didn't damage our marriage. I'm taking it on faith that existing relationships won't neccessarily be detrimental either.
This is an excellent point. Thanks.
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  #32  
Old 01-16-2012, 03:46 AM
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1. Can a poly suppressed their feeling and desires forever and should they even try?

2. Am I wrong for denying her complete happiness knowing (or feeling) that it would destroy mine?

3. (Most importantly) Should we get married knowing that I probably will never change my view on this matter?
1. Yes, anyone can surpress their feelings and desires, but it isn't healthy. People in marriages do it all the time and end up depressed, not looking after themselves, becoming bitter and resentful, doing things that they think will make them happy but add more burden (having kids to save their marriage).. only to find that they have lost track of what the real issues were to begin with. Forgetting that they once had an idea about what might of been the right path and that they choose not to go down it.

2. You can ask her to deny herself, sure. What she decides to do is up to her. Mono asked me not to have sex with anyone but the partners I already have. Well all but one that I had not had sex with before. Its been three years and I have stuck to that agreement. There have been times I have been resentful and times I am ready to push the issue. I have chosen that though. He suffers because of that and so do I. Really, we have gotten used to being uncomfortable with the the compromises we make. We have boundaries that work great but our compromises comprise of issues that I don't know if we would ever get through... I have (until yesterday) four partners though so I am covered. I don't need more and I have done my casual/sport sex bit and don't want that right now... so I am good for now.

3. Sure, get married, but know that you likely will either reach a point where you are both miserable and a change will occur by way of divorce or you changing your mind and can negotiate some kind of boundaries and challenge yourself on this. I would think VERY carefully on bringing kids into your relationship though.
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  #33  
Old 01-16-2012, 05:25 AM
cheryl cheryl is offline
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[QUOTE=ThatGirlInGray;120447]I think not being able to handle your partner being with another person IS hardwired into the brains of some men AND women. So, not a sexist statement, just incomplete. Just like being mono or poly might be hardwired in most individuals.



/QUOTE]

But how can being poly or mono be hardwired into an individual, male or female, without accepting of it for others. Thats like saying "I'm gay, but I only want to be with straight men." If you really really feel it's right and good, it should be right and good for anyone, not just yuorself. But a lot of people, and not just my BF, are totally content with it when they are doing it, but get insanely jealous or at least nervous when their partner loves, cares, spends time with, etc. someone else. I realize that my own situation is unbalanced, but I've been reading a lot of posts here, and I can see that regardless of the relationship arrangement, most people struggle with this. Why is it so difficult?
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  #34  
Old 01-16-2012, 03:10 PM
Icewraithonyx Icewraithonyx is offline
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I think it's harder to be the "sharer" vs the "shared". Like you stated in your well-reasoned question, there's all these positives upfront for the person with the multiple relationships. Being the mono can often feel like more of a compromise.

Personally, I think your question deserves a more emotionally intelligent answer than "I just can't." (As I said, I'm not fond of double standards and that's how this looks.)

Wife has said that she'd expect to be uncomfortable if I ever did want to pursue a relationship but she'd try her hardest to be supportive.
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  #35  
Old 01-16-2012, 03:31 PM
PolyKat PolyKat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Icewraithonyx View Post
I think it's harder to be the "sharer" vs the "shared". Like you stated in your well-reasoned question, there's all these positives upfront for the person with the multiple relationships. Being the mono can often feel like more of a compromise.
So true!
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  #36  
Old 01-16-2012, 09:18 PM
newguy newguy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Icewraithonyx View Post

Personally, I think your question deserves a more emotionally intelligent answer than "I just can't." (As I said, I'm not fond of double standards and that's how this looks.)

Wife has said that she'd expect to be uncomfortable if I ever did want to pursue a relationship but she'd try her hardest to be supportive.
Cheryl,

I agree with Ice...your question does need/deserve a more emotional intelligent answer...I will attemt to do this...

First let me say that I agree with you when you said "But how can being poly or mono be hardwired into an individual, male or female, without accepting of it for others" I have even asked Kat that question. You see, Kat told me that I could have another woman because her (what I can only discribe as a lifestyle) poly lifestyle allows for that (must say that she wanted me to have feelings for them; which is not possible for me)...I can't stomach the idea of her loving another man (with or without feelings) because of my lifestyle (mono with benefits). Both are "hardwired" within us...just as homosexuality or bi-sexuality are lifestyles that I feel are hardwired. Emotionally, I was willing to forgo my lifestyle (mono with benefits) to show my love for Kat. Then, I found out about her lifestyle and my emotions on this has gone from went to thinking of beening submissive to my feelings to satisfy her lifestyle.

So my emotional answer...
I am a (what some consider) a possive tradional mono. I can't understand how people in this lifestyle could be in love (sexually intimid) with more than one (equally or differently) at the same time but I can't understand homosexuality either. There are some mono(s) who do understand this lifestyle (I call them poly enablers; another lifestyle in my opinion)...so I beleive, to each his own. Anyway, my feelings of "me only" is my lifestyle and other lifestyles are not emotionally fulfilling to me; some consider my feelings as me being selfish and unreasonably blind to my partners needs. If that is the case, I'll gladly be "that guy". But I feel that my lifestyle is mine and shouldn't be "downgraded" for the benefit of others.

Probably didn't answer your question but at least it is off my chest.
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  #37  
Old 01-16-2012, 10:34 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Originally Posted by cheryl View Post
But how can being poly or mono be hardwired into an individual, male or female, without accepting of it for others. Thats like saying "I'm gay, but I only want to be with straight men." If you really really feel it's right and good, it should be right and good for anyone, not just yuorself. But a lot of people, and not just my BF, are totally content with it when they are doing it, but get insanely jealous or at least nervous when their partner loves, cares, spends time with, etc. someone else. I realize that my own situation is unbalanced, but I've been reading a lot of posts here, and I can see that regardless of the relationship arrangement, most people struggle with this. Why is it so difficult?
First of all, I'll admit I was thinking more of newguy's situation, rather than yours, when I made the comment about some people being hardwired to not want to share. I don't think NG is a bad person for wanting to be mono or wanting his spouse to be mono, just like I don't think PolyKat is a bad person for wanting to be poly. They seem to have come to a resolution as far as their differences go, and I wish them the best!

You're absolutely right that it's not fair to have a double standard like that. Which is why, even if he IS hardwired to not want to share, he needs to work on moving past those thoughts and feelings so he can accept you and his other girlfriend practicing polyamory the same way he is. Otherwise he needs to find girlfriends that are happy to be mono while supporting his poly-ness.

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Originally Posted by newguy View Post
(I call them poly enablers; another lifestyle in my opinion)
I prefer "poly-supportive"- "enabler" just has too many negative connotations
Quote:
....so I beleive, to each his own. Anyway, my feelings of "me only" is my lifestyle and other lifestyles are not emotionally fulfilling to me; some consider my feelings as me being selfish and unreasonably blind to my partners needs. If that is the case, I'll gladly be "that guy". But I feel that my lifestyle is mine and shouldn't be "downgraded" for the benefit of others.
Absolutely. Your choice/desire is not "bad" and neither is PK's. The question isn't who's right and who's wrong, but can you reach a place in the middle where you both get enough of what you want/need to be happy/content? And since it seems you have for now, yay!
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  #38  
Old 01-17-2012, 01:30 AM
cjmobxnc cjmobxnc is offline
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Originally Posted by Atri View Post
I know you're keeping the thread focused on one particular question, but it got me thinking about one I've been mulling over for a while and it seemed to fit.

Why do some mono guys see no threat in their female partner dating another woman as well?

One conclusion I've come to is that men feel no sexual threat from women... like there is no competition, which sort of makes me smirk. But that's being filtered through my lady-like b.s. filter, I'd like to hear from men that really aren't put-off by their girlfriend dating another woman!
Could it be the fact that a lot of men look at their female partner dating another female in the way of "She can give my partner something I can't", in other words - they seem to associate it all with body parts.

Hope I'm not butting in where I'm not wanted....
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  #39  
Old 01-17-2012, 05:26 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Originally Posted by Phy View Post
Woman know what woman want. Better than men ever could. So, reduced on the physical part of the problem, woman are more threatening to him
Actually, one of my bfs, The Hottie, knows how to please me orally better than anyone I've ever had. I can't imagine any woman doing a better job! His oral skills are 100% perfect and he just keeps going and going thru the ensuing flood. (and he knows how to use that "sausage" of his really well, besides)

OK, back to your regularly scheduled topic.
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  #40  
Old 01-18-2012, 10:45 PM
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Somegeezer Somegeezer is offline
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Actually, one of my bfs, The Hottie, knows how to please me orally better than anyone I've ever had. I can't imagine any woman doing a better job! His oral skills are 100% perfect and he just keeps going and going thru the ensuing flood. (and he knows how to use that "sausage" of his really well, besides)

OK, back to your regularly scheduled topic.
On similar lines, I often get complimented for my "performance" as such. =P If anything, these "floods" get me going even more. So I can almost see why The Hottie does. XD
But then again, if you can't please a woman, it could also be down to her just not being all that sensitive. Don't think I've ever met anyone who I haven't been able to make climax at all, but certainly some have been more difficult than others. =]
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