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  #11  
Old 01-17-2012, 01:02 AM
Bells Bells is offline
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Just thought I would update that I finally have a really (really) long conversation with this guy about what is going on. We talked a lot about realistic expectations from each other. Part of me is still worried about how little of his time I am actually going to be getting but this is someone I really want in my life, even it is on a somewhat inconsistent basis. Wish me luck.
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  #12  
Old 01-17-2012, 02:12 AM
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Hi Bells, So, yeah, I'm in a relationship with a guy who has 3 other partners and an infant and, 16 months later, I'm at a crossroads about where I want to be. However, my recommendation would still be to give it a try. I fell in love and had some great experiences with my SO. I hope to have more with him still, maybe as partners, maybe just as friends. You know that you want this guy in your life in some way, this is definately one way. The NRE you both have will probably mask some issues, like time management, but isn't that the case with all new relationships?

I do recommend getting any preconceived ideas and expectations out on the table as soon as possible. What do you each think the relationship will look like? How much communication are you each comfortable with? (Hopefully, a lot. You mentioned he likes to text.) I've found that that conversation avoids some frustrations and awkward adjustments at the beginning. Of course, you want the relationship to grow organically and things can and will change.

Have you met his girlfriends? One of the things that really recommended my partner was that I was comfortable with his OSOs. They seemed thoughtful and sane. It gave me more confidence in the whole situation. Good luck!
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  #13  
Old 01-17-2012, 03:13 AM
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Bells, it sounds like you are being practical and thoughtful about it....communication is important and observing behavior. The amount of time a person decides to devote to their relationship(s) depends on how important relationships are to them.

There are plenty of people who want to have a relationship but they areen't interested in spending time nurturning it.

I have always had multiple emotionally intimate relationships- even before I was poly......even when I was in elementary school....through high school and ever since then. There have been many times when people have said to me "I don't know how you can juggle so many relationships"....but it's not juggling to me. It's who I am. Most of what I value in life can be experienced through intimate relationsips- therefore I like to have a variety of them and I alway have.

So..... being poly might not have a lot to do with it in his case. The question might be.....is he one of those people who has always had a variety of emotionally intimate relationships that he likes to "juggle" because that's just who he is??
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Old 01-17-2012, 05:47 AM
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"I don't know how you can juggle so many relationships"....but it's not juggling to me. It's who I am. Most of what I value in life can be experienced through intimate relationships- therefore I like to have a variety of them and I alway have.
I love how you put this! I so much agree. What a great way to say it.
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  #15  
Old 01-17-2012, 06:11 AM
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I love how you put this! I so much agree. What a great way to say it.
I almost said "like Redpepper" on my post!!
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Old 01-17-2012, 06:45 AM
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I almost said "like Redpepper" on my post!!
Ha! Geez, we are so in sync!
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  #17  
Old 01-17-2012, 11:28 PM
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It is sort of funny you guys said that because in different words that is a lot how the conversation went. Him explaining to me how even though there are a lot of people in his life it does not make him care less for one when he is caring more for another. I am thinking I am making the right decision with how I am going about this with him.

I am really not having trouble with the whole poly thing, or meeting other people who are poly (I have been dating a bit myself). Its not strange though that I am not one of those people who has 'always known this is how I am' and more 'I think I may have stumbled along something that really fits me' is it?
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Old 01-18-2012, 12:52 AM
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Its not strange though that I am not one of those people who has 'always known this is how I am' and more 'I think I may have stumbled along something that really fits me' is it?
Not strange at all. There generally seem to be two camps. One is the type of person who identifies as being poly, like it's a gender or sexual orientation. Those tend to be the people who say, "I've always known I was poly" or "Finally, I have a word for what I am." They see poly as integral to who they are, and part of their nature.

The other camp sees polyamory as a structure for relationships, a practice, an approach, without feeling like it's who they are. These people (I include myself in this camp) tend to view poly not as an identity, but simply as a way of life we can choose or not. If poly seems to be the right fit for now, we embrace it, and leave room for the possibility of monogamy if that feels right at some point.

There are so many ways to live polyamorously. Don't worry about what others are doing, other than looking to someone with experience for some advice. But there's no one single way to "do poly," so just make sure it feels right for you.
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  #19  
Old 01-18-2012, 09:16 PM
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There generally seem to be two camps. One is the type of person who identifies as being poly, like it's a gender or sexual orientation. Those tend to be the people who say, "I've always known I was poly" or "Finally, I have a word for what I am." They see poly as integral to who they are, and part of their nature.

The other camp sees polyamory as a structure for relationships, a practice, an approach, without feeling like it's who they are. These people (I include myself in this camp) tend to view poly not as an identity, but simply as a way of life we can choose or not. If poly seems to be the right fit for now, we embrace it, and leave room for the possibility of monogamy if that feels right at some point.

There are so many ways to live polyamorously. Don't worry about what others are doing, other than looking to someone with experience for some advice. But there's no one single way to "do poly," so just make sure it feels right for you.
Can I steal this for the "lessons learned" thread? Or would you like to post it there. You have explained it so well here.
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  #20  
Old 01-18-2012, 09:45 PM
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Can I steal this for the "lessons learned" thread? Or would you like to post it there. You have explained it so well here.
Sure, quote me, dahling! I'm too lazy to do it myself right now.
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