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  #331  
Old 01-16-2012, 03:54 AM
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I was going to merge this thread with this one that is on lessons learned, but I decided not to. Got some really great points there on what has worked for you. Thanks for sharing them.
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  #332  
Old 01-16-2012, 04:28 AM
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I have become a Professional and Life Coach working with Teams and Individuals!! There is a system of looking at Professional Teams that has proven to be extremely effective in the business arena! These 8 aspects of a productive Team can also be applied to any type of group or relationship. The research was taken from a Gallup Poll which surveyed 1,000,000 employees in 45 different industries and internationally as well. These are the 8 aspects of the environment which supports healthy relationships. Just for the fun of it, I applied it to the poly relationship I'm in now and it's pretty cool. I invite anyone to do the same and share it if you are open to it!!!
CLick on the link to read it!

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...595#post120595
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  #333  
Old 01-18-2012, 12:36 AM
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Default maybe this is turning into a blog...

so i'm still as obsessed with this forum as ever, and feeling compelled to continue to post about my journey. i suppose that makes this more of a blog than a thread, so if it makes sense for a moderator to move this thread over to the life stories and blogs section, i would not be opposed. at first i was thinking that i'd need to change the title of this thread if it became a blog, but actually its still quite apropos. although i am now in NRE with K instead of sam, i think its telling that many of the same thoughts and feelings that i had in the beginning with sam are now coming up again for me with K.

i imagine that for those folks who are experienced with poly, this is old hat... this falling feeling, the physical cravings for that person, the obsessive thoughts. it all feels so fabulous but is also such an intense exercise in patience and self-restraint. it is so tempting to throw myself into this, to want to try to spend every possible moment with her, its like a little tiny hit of a powerfully addictive drug every time i look at a picture of her. they are not kidding when they compare this feeling to cocaine!!

being a queer woman, poly is certainly not unheard of in our community but it seems more common among the gay men than the women. its been years since i've been in any semblance of a straight world, so it is interesting to me to read the stories here and find that i can relate so well to them. immersed in a gay world, it is easy for me to make up that i don't have anything in common with straight people. crazy, i know.

things with alex are progressing. i think about what someone posted a couple of months ago, about how poly relationships only work if a person thinks their primary is just as (or more) fabulous as the other person/people she sees, and even though my feelings for alex are different, and sometimes i do fall into questioning the whole relationship (and probably will continue to do so at times), i do have enormous love and respect for her as i am watching her face her deepest demons and be willing to stretch way past her comfort zones in order to truly partner with me in this journey.

alex is travelling for work soon and will be gone for a week. i am feeling so excited and nervous about getting to spend a lot more time with K while alex is gone. for the first time, i will be able to sleep over at K's place and spend a lot of lazy time with her without having to look at the clock. i know for sure this will send me even deeper into the NRE, which almost feels like anticipating a drug binge! i know the indulgence will feel so good, but i also know the withdrawal will be almost as equally intense.
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  #334  
Old 01-19-2012, 09:08 PM
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i know i have said it before and i will say it again...NRE is extremely distracting. i have vowed to keep my mind on work today, and it works for short stretches of time and then my mind is off and wandering again. it reminds of the meditation analogy...our minds are like untrained puppies, you tell them to sit and they might for a second, and then they are off and running again. it takes a lot of practice to get that puppy to sit for long periods of time.

now that alex is away on business travel, it is up to me to figure out where my boundaries and time limits are when it comes to seeing K. all of me wants to throw myself into this with her and spend as much time as i possibly can inhaling the smell of her skin. intellectually i know this is a drug and i'm on an intense high and i should probably be careful, but the reckless and fun-loving part of me says, to hell with it! i am going to enjoy this for as long as it lasts!

it is also hard for me to not really fully know how K is feeling, lately she seesm more cautious than she did in the beginning and i am not sure what to attribute that to. over the past week we have not seen each other because i needed to spend more quality time with alex before she left, so i wonder if K is just not sure where we stand. its hard to know how much to delve into these "processing" types of conversations so early on in the relationship. so much of our connection (but not all) up to this point has been intensely physical, she is so tall and strong and sweet, it is hard for me not to just want to jump her when i see her and let the pheromones take over.

in my other world, alex has been exceptionally sensitive lately. needing a lot of reassurance and crying very easily. no matter how much time i spend with her, no matter how patient i am with her emotional outbursts, no matter how many times she says she is entering this mono/poly situation with me willingly and consensually, it seems like she is never fully secure and able to let go of her anxiety. at times she says she is feeling good, but its almost like an overcompensation, like "i know i'm the best partner and you are never going to leave me" but that sentiment never lasts long. last night she expressed worry that i would enjoy my time with her away so much that i would decide my life is more fun without her. i was so excited to have more freedom while she is gone that i didn't really know what to say. i love her and we do have fun together, but being with her feels so draining at times.
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  #335  
Old 01-20-2012, 05:04 AM
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I know what you mean about 'inhaling her skin.' Somehow, my warm neck scarf smells like First bf, and every time I put it on, it distracts me for a moment. I've always been overly scents-itive.

I have been overcome with new-found appreciation for Current bf at 'giving' me this, and 'allowing' this, and even supporting this (with First bf). The fact that I have them both allows me to overlook perceived 'flaws' in the other. They complement each other so well.

Do you have plans for staying in touch with Alex while she's traveling? My hallucinating myself in her situation says I'd be so thrilled to have texts or emails or phone calls from you; just reminding me I'm loved and thought of, even though I'm away.
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  #336  
Old 01-20-2012, 06:47 PM
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Default Getting through partner's NRE

Hello! This is my first post as a new member.

I have been in a poly relationship for four years now. We came from very different places; he has always identified as poly, and our relationship is the longest he's ever had. I used to identify as mono, but after much reflection and much hurt from past relationships where my partners and I didn't feel like we could be completely honest and open with one another, I decided to adopt a poly lifestyle. I have had several years-long mono relationships and I am accustomed to the dynamic; the first weeks to months of reveling in NRE, then falling into ORE, then losing steam altogether.

This relationship started out very mono-typical; we spent all of our free time together, and neither of us had other partners for about the first 5 or 6 months. We continued to spend gobs of time together for about the first two years. Then he moved 85 miles away for school, and now we see each other about two weekends a month, excluding holiday breaks. Since I was so accustomed to spending lots of time together, this transition was very hard for me. I found myself getting jealous of the time he spent with new partners, which has nothing to do with me or our relationship; I just missed being the person to fill that gap. I understand that he would spend a lot more time with me if we lived closer.

My partner has had many other partners over the last four years, none of them too serious but all of them good friends and good people that are still in and out of our lives. I have only had two other very short term partners (on my own), both of whom are still friends. I say "on my own" because we have shared several of his partners and I find great joy in experiencing his NRE with him. Sharing partners, or at least spending lots of time with them, helps me avoid the "she's prettier, smarter, better..." trap because I can put a real human, with all of her unique similarities and differences, in front of me and say, "there's no comparison; we are individuals."

Here is where I am getting stuck. The newest partner is different. In his words, she is the most compatible partner, both sexually and emotionally, that he has had since we have been together. They have seen each other every day, for the last month or so, spending just about every night together with the exception of a weekend when he was with me at my house and a couple nights at his house that I asked for. She is an amazing person. They have been seeing each other for about three months and have recently exchanged "I love yous." I don't want to control how much time they spend together, but at the same time, I wonder if they are getting too caught up in the NRE and setting themselves up for hurt later, when someone finds a new partner, or gets a time consuming job, or moves closer to me...etc. I have tried to talk to my partner about it but don't know how to approach the subject without sounding jealous. I also wonder if it even matters? I mean, I love this person and expect to be with him for a long time, despite us coming from very different places, and we also got caught up in the NRE...we got through the separation, and are doing fine. Additionally, the time they spend together has not taken any time away from me. We still have some alone time (albeit limited to a couple nights a month, but that was the pattern before she entered the picture) and we have time with the three of us together, which is wonderful.

I guess my question is, should I be concerned? Should I recommend that they slow down? And for what purpose? Am I just reacting to my emotions? I have not been the most emotionally stable person in this relationship in the past!

Thanks!
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  #337  
Old 01-20-2012, 09:41 PM
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thanks for reading and replying, NovemberRain. its nice to hear from you!

last night i had a really intense playdate with K, i am feeling so charged by my intense attraction to her and the physicality of our connection. i have found it hard to broach the topic of "what is happening" between us and there are a lot of questions i have for her that i somehow haven't found the courage to ask, like does she consider herself poly? what is her relationship history? and even, is she dating other people at the moment? seems like such basic information that we would have sorted out before we got involved, but i think we are both so afraid of seeming "processy" and wanting to be light and fluid with each other that we are probably avoiding some important topics.

alex and i are staying in touch while she is away via text and exchanging voicemails, and talking on the phone when possible. its hard because i know she feels extra sensitive when she is not able to reach me, like late last night when i was with K. i sent her some cute pics early this morning of me in bed snuggling with our dog so she would know i slept at home and was thinking of her. i am totally blown away by her ability to "give me this" with K. so totally appreciative.

so far alex does not have an interest in getting to know K. she seems to understand how it could potentially be helpful, but has concerns that she will come off as an overprotective spouse. i do wonder about alex's emotionality and how that could potentially get triggered in an interaction between them. i wonder if it might help to wait until things are feeling a little more familiar with K, and maybe even having the NRE wear off a little first.

Quote:
Originally Posted by NovemberRain View Post
The fact that I have them both allows me to overlook perceived 'flaws' in the other. They complement each other so well.
this is really interesting to me too...the ways that K and alex are so different in many ways and how that has been enhancing my life so much. K has this very tough, kind of rough-around-the-edges appeal even though she is more feminine in her presentation and is more sexually receptive than alex. alex is so sensitive and needs so much from me emotionally that it feels like a nice break to be with K, where we just chat and have fun and have wild passionate sex. obviously the two relationships are not at all comparable, given that i've been with alex for 5+ years and K and i are so new to each other. what a gift though to have an outlet, a bit of an escape even, from the pressures of marriage and the inevitable changes that happen in long-term relationships around intimacy and sexuality, but also have that stability and sense of home and family to rely on.
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  #338  
Old 01-21-2012, 05:04 AM
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I don't think there is cause for concern yet. It might feel like its getting away from you, but its nothing to do with you. Maybe you are reading into his energy and flying high feelings. NRE feelings do make people run away with themselves and those they are with.

I would just watch carefully and let him have at it. It will likely die down in time and settle into a routine. If their NRE starts meaning you get less time, not as much quality time and means there is drama then I would bring it up and start making sure your boundaries are respected.
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  #339  
Old 01-21-2012, 05:24 AM
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I would just be on the lookout for any important life-altering decisions that he might make while still so immersed in NRE. If he suddenly has some wild scheme or crazy news, then I would tell him to slow down and get his feet on the ground. Otherwise, if he still spends time with you as frequently as he usually does, and hasn't let this relationship interfere with yours, I wouldn't worry too much.

As for not sounding jealous if you do wind up needing to talk to him, I guess I would start off any conversation by reinforcing how much you love and care about him, and have only his best interest at heart before explaining any concerns you might have. Also make sure there are no weird dramas or distractions in the immediate environment where you do have a discussion. You want to be able to communicate with his full attention on you, and in a calm serene manner.
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  #340  
Old 01-21-2012, 07:50 AM
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Is it so wrong to sound jealous? As long as you admit and accept it as your own and not something you're accusing him or her of causing in you or being their fault, I think it's healthy to share your feelings with your partner and paramour.

I think that as long as you assure him that you're still happy for them and you're not asking for anything to change, it's good to tell him what's going on with you. Also, you're relatively new to this, so it's to be expected that you'll have some challenging thoughts and feelings.

The other end of it is to be brutally honest with yourself. Is it really that you're worried about the future of their relationship together, or is that just what you're telling yourself in order to justify your feelings? If he were just your buddy and you weren't involved romantically, do you think you would still feel so worried about what will happen when the NRE wears off? Or would you just trust that things will run their course the way they're meant to?
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