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  #11  
Old 01-15-2012, 05:59 PM
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All those little things become BIG things when there is no where to go, because you live there. I would suggest slowing right down and spending large amounts of time, with your dogs there and see how it goes for a year or so. Whats the rush? Why rush something that will be hard to get out of if it doesn't work out. You need to know it will work right? Especially if you have school, work, and dogs to take care of. I am sure your men are lovely, but everyone has a side that isn't. I think this warrants waiting and seeing what comes up. Enjoy what you have... there is no rush.

There are a lot of threads here on "moving in" if you do a search in the tags. I have a boy friend that lives with us. It took us 18 months to get us in the same house. A process I am very glad we took the time on. Lots was already sorted out before we even got here.
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  #12  
Old 01-16-2012, 09:02 AM
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I'm having trouble understanding why it's feasible to move in together full time but not feasible to spend a month trying it out.

I also foresee some personality conflicts that won't become apparent until you're all in this. For example, you're the type of person who lets his dogs sleep on the bed. They're not. That might not seem like a big deal, but it could indicate a fairly significant personality difference. Do you keep your apartment as clean as they do? Are you going to feel like they're picking on you if you can't live up to their standards? Are they going to get mad or resentful if it takes a few months to train your dogs not to go on furniture?

It also bothers me that they pooh-pooh your concerns about how things will go down if it doesn't all work. I would prefer to see them take your apprehension into serious consideration and for all of you to work out a conflict resolution plan. "Don't worry, there won't be any problems" is not a conflict resolution plan!

What have you guys decided to do if your feelings towards one of them dissolves without losing any feelings for the other? Will you shift towards a Vee, or will your ass be out the door? No one can promise that feelings won't change. If you haven't discussed this, or worse if they refuse to discuss this, then that's a warning sign.
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Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 01-16-2012 at 09:05 AM.
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  #13  
Old 01-18-2012, 02:49 AM
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Again i thank you all for your input and things that i honestly may not have though about 100%. We have always had open lines of communication which is why i think we have even made it this far.

As for not doing the "trial" living in together... I will do a weekend or a few days, but it is very hard for me to live between two homes. One is work, as i take work home, have files here at home and then it would be my luck i had to run to my house to get what i need. I also believe in doing it right or not doing it at all and i know this may sound all great, but it is honestly how i would prefer to do it.

I know there will be some type of personality conflicts at time and we have been though them already, but have all came together and became stronger as as a result of it.

As for them not taking my concern of it not working out, well..... we all agree that there is no iron clad guarantee it is going to work and there is also no one saying it will not last 20 years, we just don't know. However, they do take my concern in this manner " Any problems we have, we can work though them and communication will be the key" and i believe we can make it though some really crappy times ( I am going though one right now and they have both been more supportive than i could have ever asked for and i didn't even have to ask) and some really great times.

Again thank you all of your input and please share more if you can!

Last edited by nightrush; 01-18-2012 at 02:52 AM. Reason: Addition.
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  #14  
Old 01-19-2012, 01:00 AM
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I can understand the desire to cohabit; it's something that I desire with my other partners very much, and always want to push towards. However, after a situation that went sideways because of living together and discovering huge lifestyle differences, I am WAY more cautious about it now (although I still desire it very much for down the road!)

I think the most important thing to consider is whether or not you have a true lifestyle match. Seemingly insignificant things can create a lot of conflict when you don't have your own space to retreat to. I've seen epic fights between partners over the craziest things - how to cut an onion, for example. Living together means that you're in each other's space all the time, and while it can seem like it's going to be a giant and amazing slumber party, it also opens up the capacity for a lot of problems that the relationship might not be stable enough to handle.

Questions: Is there a reason why you are all moving in together now? Have you lived with anyone before? What concerns do you all/you have about living together? Are there areas that you think that you'll do really well with? Areas that you think that you'll experience challenges with? What problems have you/they had with room mates in the past, and how did you deal with them?

For myself, I want be sure that living together will bring us closer to a partner, not separate us by accident. Sometimes you can think that someone is going to be GREAT to live with, and then you find out that things aren't as they seem. For example: My partner and I are extremely neat and tidy people and keep a really clean house. Based on our girlfriend's place when we went to visit her, and when she was at our house, we assumed she was too. We talked extensively about what everyone wanted before we lived together, and she came over all the time and saw how we kept our home and ran our life & participated fully in it when she was there. In theory it was great, in actuality it was a bit of a disaster. Keep in mind that we knew each other for well over a year, and had dated for several months before living together.

Moving in together thrust us into the reality that she had only cleaned the house for us before we came over as guests, but that she lived like a transient on a daily basis; clothes all over the floor, fungus growing in the toilet in her bathroom, overflowing litterbox from her cat that stunk up the entire basement, almost never vacuuming or doing pre-agreed upon chores that we had all split up. We talked about it, had house meetings about it, and in the end, just had to live with it, as it was truly her lifestyle and not ours. It was not an easy experience, and it definitely had a negative effect on our overall relationship, and based on our pre-move-in talks we never expected it to be like that.

Living together is a big step. A HUGE step. Co-existing and sharing a home is a big deal, and it ups the ante in the relationship. This can be a good thing, and communication definitely is at the heart of living together, but my concern is always whether or not your lifestyles ACTUALLY fit together.

For me right now? We have decided that extending individual living situations can keep things exciting and fun for longer, and that if/when we move in with another partner in the future we will definitely do a trial run before taking any big steps. We have talked about "half-renting" a place together so that we can share a space while still having our own home to go to with our present partner. I also think it's important to be well out of NRE and have at least one really solid fight/misunderstanding that gets worked out, so that you know you can sort out uncomfortable stuff BEFORE living together.

This might not be the case for you three at all! I thought I'd get my two cents in though, as my mindset has definitely changed around this over the past few years.
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  #15  
Old 01-19-2012, 01:30 AM
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Thank you again for the insight that you have learned and possibly the hard way. I will take this information back to the group.
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