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  #21  
Old 01-13-2012, 05:29 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Hi Polykat,

Some of the following thread may apply to your questions

Inside the Mind of This Mono
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  #22  
Old 01-13-2012, 05:35 AM
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And this might give you some insight into how much harder being a married mono to a poly might be. In your case he is your fiance I believe...the same sort of feelings would emerge potentially though.

Fear of possessiveness in a Mono/Poly Relationship
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  #23  
Old 01-13-2012, 05:52 AM
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One other thing...if you are going to have a mono/poly relationship hold off on getting married until you trial this by fire. He'll have to not only survive you having another partner but also be healthy in it. Those are two very different things - and being healthy is not necessarily the most common.

You need to look out for yourself by not committing to a monogamous marriage if you can't be healthy as well.

Good luck
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  #24  
Old 01-13-2012, 07:40 AM
Monochrome Monochrome is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyKat View Post
When first being introduced to the possibility of a mono/poly relationship, what was your reaction to the thought of another man being intimate (from glances and hand holding to oral and penetration sex) with your love? At this point, my fiance's stomach turns to knots when he thinks of it, so I'm not yet pressing to get a glimpse inside of his head.. so I wanted to ask you.
Hello, I'm Gray's mono husband. Our relationship has only recently become "actually poly", though rather open since we were dating. (details available in our intro threads)

Some have mentioned old, chauvinistic concepts of possession and not wanting to share "your" woman with anyone else. I never really had this leaning, but did have to work through some preconceptions over time.

To start, I never had problems with Gray touching, hugging, etc., other people. She was very outgoing, and she enjoyed contact with people she was close to. The next step, perhaps, of hand holding, also wasn't any issue. Except (at the very start) when she wanted to hold my hand in public. I was so shy at the time, I didn't want the attention or people looking at me I guess. (Same for us kissing in public. For a bit, at least)

As to her kissing others. Even at the start, my only objection was that if others saw they would get all busybody and bother us, and I didn't want to have to deal with misguided interlopers.

Beyond that, we went in stages and negotiated at each step. Once in a while, she would push a boundary a bit, stretch a definition, but never far and not often. We would discuss it, refine definitions, and move on.

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I also wonder how each man got past their issues, beyond the, "I love her so I learned to [insert life lesson here]." What was the initial disgust about? Where did that feeling come from? Why does the thought of such things hurt? What made it hurt less? What realizations did you have to come to? How did the two of you communicate and work through things? How long did it take (understanding that each person is different)?
For me, it wasn't so much about "I love her, so I will learn to tolerate". It was that I felt such a connection to Gray. Such a multitude of connections, really. Physical connections involving, well, the physical. Mental connections involving sci-fi, anime, trivia and math and so much more. Connections of the heart involving shared interests and values. Many of these connections were shared with others. Connecting over trivia, for example, is pretty common.

The ones shared just between us, though, were precious, some more than others. I didn't want to lose those connections, or dilute them, weaken them, however you want to phrase it. The "big" physical connection, for me, was PiV.

I never felt disgust, but I did feel fear about losing these connections, or just that they would weaken. So, the progression of our relationship has involved me confronting why I valued a particular connection that was just between us, when our connection would not be any weaker should she also have a similar connection to someone else. Part of it is that she showed at each step how she could maintain all these connections. I haven't really tried, and never had much interest in trying, to maintain all these connections to other people. Perhaps it is just my mono brain, I don't know. Perhaps I could, if I tried. All I know is that she can, and that I trust her to talk to me if she fells something weakening in our relationship, just like she trusts me if I have concerns. All along, we talked with each other. About what we wanted, what we felt about the current stage of our relationship, about all sorts of things. I can't tell you how we communicated, we just talked. She was very good at making sure I talked. Besides the actual communication that was achieved, I think these talks were very important to the overall journey because they showed time and again that I mattered to her, I wasn't being replaced, and I was on this journey with her, not an outside observer.
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  #25  
Old 01-13-2012, 03:54 PM
newguy newguy is offline
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
You need to look out for yourself by not committing to a monogamous marriage if you can't be healthy as well.
MonoVCPHG (and all)….

I’m Polykat’s finace’…I read your suggested posts on your feelings but what made me comment at this time (first time commenting on her post) was the statement that you made:

“You need to look out for yourself by not committing to a monogamous marriage if you can't be healthy as well.”

I agree!! In fact, every since she informed me of her desires I told her that I may not be the man for her…I also told her (and still believe) that I may never be able to be in this type of relationship. I told her that I think it’s best for her to move on without me…because I feel that although she is happy with me, she will never have complete happiness because of her feelings towards this lifestyle.

She has assured me that she is happy with what we have (for now) and that she would like me to “evolve” past my traditional mind set and that she will stay with me even if this does not happen.

My minds said leave her now!!! It will hurt (a lot) but it will be better for the both of us! My hearts said stay and love her until 1) you “evolve” or 2) SHE leaves you. Now I can’t say for certain but I don’t see myself evolving and she says that she will never leave me…not even for complete happiness!

During our discussions, she informed me that she wouldn’t move forward (sleep with or start a relationship with another man) without my blessing and if I decide to never give my blessing she will still be happy…I take that to mean that she won’t be completely happy.

My thoughts…from what I have researched on this matter, poly people are not nor could they ever be completely happy living a mono life. I was told that it’s like suppressing your true self and your true feelings. And I feel, like the people that have suppressed their feelings will eventually give into them! I also feel that she (Polykat) will eventually will give into her feelings and give me the ultimatum of being in a poly/mono relationship or no relationship with her at all. Even though she has said numerous of times that this would never happen, I’m preparing myself for (what I think is) the inevitable. At this point, I’m just trying to get all the love I can for as long as I can!!!
So…my questions to you MonoVCPHG (and all) are:

1. Can a poly suppressed their feeling and desires forever and should they even try?

2. Am I wrong for denying her complete happiness knowing (or feeling) that it would destroy mine?

3. (Most importantly) Should we get married knowing that I probably will never change my view on this matter?

Thanks again for reading and responding.

WR,

NG

Last edited by newguy; 01-14-2012 at 01:26 AM.
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  #26  
Old 01-14-2012, 06:22 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by newguy View Post

1. Can a poly suppressed their feeling and desires forever and should they even try? NG
I believe anyone can control themselves with enough discipline, but I don't think they should put themselves in that situation. I don't believe a poly person can be truly fulfilled suppressing that part of them-self that needs to share love anymore than a mono person can be truly fulfilled not having love returned to them the same way they give it.

Sometimes exploring compromises can be worth it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by newguy View Post
2. Am I wrong for denying her complete happiness knowing (or feeling) that it would destroy mine?NG
No more wrong than she is for possibly denying you complete happiness by sharing herself with others. There is no right or wrong in this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by newguy View Post
3. (Most importantly) Should we get married knowing that I probably will never change my view on this matter?NG
Put in your situation, I wouldn't. I feel healthy in being a "secondary' relationship to the one Redpepper has with her husband. His marriage is what makes this work for me so well. As an internally monogamous person who also has some pretty traditional conditioning around marriage I don't think I could do it.
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Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 01-14-2012 at 10:10 PM.
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  #27  
Old 01-14-2012, 07:39 PM
newguy newguy is offline
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MonoVCPHG,

Thanks for your responses...that was exactly where my head was...except the marriage thing...I'm wanna marry her more now that we are communicating openly then ever before!!!

I know that I may end up without her because of her feelings but for now...she will be Ms. Newguy soon...and my next Ex if she decides so...I guess I'm willing to take that chance!!!

Love you Kat!!!!
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  #28  
Old 01-14-2012, 07:51 PM
PolyKat PolyKat is offline
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HE LOVES ME!!!!

Love u too, NG <3
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  #29  
Old 01-14-2012, 09:45 PM
cheryl cheryl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyKat View Post
.. At this point, my fiance's stomach turns to knots when he thinks of it, so I'm not yet pressing to get a glimpse inside of his head.. so I wanted to ask you.

I always smiled at the thought of my man loving or loving on another woman, so I can't understand his feelings and he is not yet able to express them fully. I used to think it was simply a masculinity thing, but I think it goes deeper than that

God, I wish I knew. If you ever find out post it here.

I'm currently in a Vee relationship with a man who doesnt want me or his other girlfriend to be with any other man. Neither she or I really have time for another relationship, so although it is fundamentally unfair, it hasnt been a deal breaker so far.

But it is baffling.

I said to him a while ago: "You say that loving her doesnt make you don't love me any less', that its not a competition, that she and I are both unique individuals, that you've never been happier, that you really like feeling loved and cared for by two women and feeling like you've added happiness to our lives as well. So if all your reasons are positive and not selfish, and there's absolutely no reason for us to feel jealous or insecure, - If all this is true, and this has been such a wonderful, fulfilling experience for you, why wouldnt you want us to experience the same thing? Why wouldnt you say, I hope that if I cant be with you because I'm with the other one, or busy with work, you will have someone else you care about to make you happy, go places with, and talk to, or hold you at night?"

And his answer was: "I can't. I just couldn't stand to have either of you with another man. I couldnt handle it."

I read the other posts about historical views about women as property, but I'm not sure I agree that's the reason. Political thinking and even ones cultural upbringing seems to be amendable to reason, logic, experience. His reaction seems to be a lot more deep seated and emotional. I do wonder if it isnt hardwired into the brains of certain men, although I realize that sounds sexist. I swear, the illogicalness of his position on this makes me crazier than the unfairness of it.

So I hope someone answers your question.
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  #30  
Old 01-15-2012, 01:10 AM
Icewraithonyx Icewraithonyx is offline
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My first reaction to the thought of Wife's physical intimacy was also extreme discomfort. (Actually, I think the idea of emotional intimacy worries me more.)

For me, I think it was the fact that Wife had been intimate with other people before we got married and she still loved me enough to get married. So I guess those relationship didn't damage our marriage. I'm taking it on faith that existing relationships won't neccessarily be detrimental either.

Another issue is that I dislike double-standards, so I disbelieve that it's always easier for a woman to deal with "her" man being with someone else than a man dealing with "his" woman being with another man.

Wife and BF are planning their first visit soon and while I'm freaking a little, I expect to be able to weather it. I'm hoping subsequent visits will be less and less uncomfortable.

Last edited by Icewraithonyx; 01-15-2012 at 01:13 AM.
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