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Old 05-19-2009, 10:40 PM
TankDiveGirl TankDiveGirl is offline
Join Date: May 2009
Location: DFW Metroplex
Posts: 24
Default First Poly Relationship, Need Advice

Hi everyone,

I've got a little bit of a situation that I need some advice about, so maybe you guys can help?

A little background: my wife L and I have been married for 2 years and together for 5. I have considered myself a lesbian identified bisexual for a really long time, and she has had sex with men but considers herself a lesbian as far as emotional, romantic relationships are concerned. She enjoys sex with men, but doesn't have a deep emotional connection with them as she does with women. We're new to poly, though we've both been curious about it for quite some time. I'm the hinge of a FFM vee, with my boyfriend S being the other end of the vee. He's monogamous, or has been until he met me, and is not currently interested in seeing anyone other than me (and my wife, but he's not "in a relationship" with her, if that makes sense).

The issue: I went about opening our relationship entirely too fast. I take full responsibility for this, but am, of course, dealing with the fallout now, and I have been since the beginning. Things are slowly beginning to resolve, and i'm trying very hard not to hurry them along. Currently, the main issue is that I have felt like I have had to either not tell the whole truth, omit details, or cover some aspects of my relationship with S to keep L comfortable with how the situation was progressing. We have pushed past her boundaries in many many ways, and it has, of course, come back to bite us in the butt. L and I have been discussing and rehashing a lot of the things that have happened in the past, and she had been in a better place with things mentally until yesterday, when it came out that an old friend of hers confronted our roommate (entirely different person and not involved with either of us romantically) to see if she knew that i was "cheating on her" because she had seen me holding hands with S at school. L blew up and has said that I've betrayed her trust (which i have, i will acknowledge that) and that she doesn't know if she can forgive me this thing. Admittedly, I wasn't clear with S that we couldn't be open about our relationship at school, because the majority of the people that he and i are friends with already knew that he and i were dating and that my wife was okay with this. I see that this was a major mistake on my part.

The three of us love each other deeply and are committed to making this work, so please don't tell me to drop him and try again later with someone else. We know there are issues to be worked out, and we are addressing them. What I would like to know is if there's a way to show her that I still absolutely adore her and that I will respect her boundaries and her limits from now on, even though he and I have both screwed up in the past? We're still involved in a lot of NRE (which is why i covered up some of the things previously, because she felt like she was getting short shift in the relationship), but things are becoming more even keeled, especially since school has ended for the semester and I have much more time to spend with both of them and my time isn't crunched into an hour here, a minute there, etc.

I apologize for the book,

Thanks for listening,
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