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  #41  
Old 01-09-2012, 10:57 PM
PaperSO PaperSO is offline
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Hello!

I'm PaperGrace's SO.

I read everyone's reply and there were quite a few nuggets of wisdom. Thank you all.

If my reply is less than coherent, I blame my 8 month old son who is doing his darndest to get all of my attention while I type. If you think having four life partners is a challenge to one's time and energy, try adding a baby.

PaperGrace is awesome and she is craving more depth her romantic relationship(s) and that turns me on. She's willing to look everywhere for the answer to her happiness and her fulfillment, from climbing a mountain to ending our romantic entanglement. I'm fairly sure neither are the key to happiness but those are my projections. That said, I am looking forward to climbing a mountain with her as I look forward to everything we do together. While I don't "look forward" to ending our relationship, I'll tearfully back her decision if that's what she is sure she needs to do in order to ultimately be happy.

PaperGrace has been totally upfront with me about how she feels. Over the course of our relationship, she has been entangled with two other men and I've always had her back, encouraging her however she wanted to proceed. She plays full out, and in the end I don't believe she can lose if she follows her heart.

And there's the baby again.
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  #42  
Old 01-10-2012, 12:45 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Isn't there any possibility you two can see each other twice a week instead of only once?
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  #43  
Old 01-10-2012, 01:37 AM
PaperSO PaperSO is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Isn't there any possibility you two can see each other twice a week instead of only once?
There are times where we see each other twice a week. This past week we spent the day together after spending the usual night and then spent the afternoon and night together at the end of the week.

I'm willing to be wrong but I don't think this is about scheduling two nights rather than one each week. I think PaperGrace is looking for someone to share day-to-day companionship.

My current "primary" spent over three years on the West coast (we're East) and our relationship thrived long distance. We got together for a long weekend every few months. Now that we live together and are raising our baby, I don't think she'd want to be separated again but neither of us have regrets for what we created while apart for so long. Now we take for granted all the time we share in close quarters and that brings up its own raft of issues.

It's tricky business being satisfied/happy with what you've got but at the same time really wanting something more.
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  #44  
Old 01-10-2012, 03:44 PM
PaperSO PaperSO is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
If you expect your relationships to bring you happiness, you will be disappointed. Bring your own happiness to your relationships and everyone will thrive.
It's from your signature line and I've found it to be true.

It's also true for me that my relationships are the essential places for me to express happiness! And that my partners can do things (or fail to do things) that will leave me unhappy.

It's a paradox, and I'm okay with that.
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  #45  
Old 01-11-2012, 02:53 AM
PaperGrace PaperGrace is offline
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Um, hi PaperSO! I sent you the link to read the thread, but I was startled when you actually posted.

@NYCindie, thanks for having the gumption to ask. I would like more time in my current relationship, but I don't see many opportunities for meaningful time. I didn't bring the little one up because, after the description of 4 partners, a new baby on top of that would make the situation seem almost absurd. What were we thinking? The prospect of the baby entered the mix after PaperSO and I became involved, but before we mark our "anniversary." Of course, I'm thrilled for PaperSO and his primary. I was at the birth. The baby is beautiful and progressing so fast. I think about what it might be like to have my own someday, if it happens.

As far as bringing happiness to the relationship, lately, that's been a serious struggle. Back to the "being a better primary to myself" drawing board. In an effort to see something change, I am going to try withdrawing during our "off" time and get myself back into the "single" mindset.
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  #46  
Old 01-11-2012, 03:20 AM
PaperGrace PaperGrace is offline
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To clarify the extra time we got this past week, it took me taking a vacation day off of work, PaperSO (being self-employed) not working, and PaperSO's primary agreeing to take care of the baby for a 24 hour period. It was a truly a team effort and I am very appreciative of it. It was a such great day.

The two evenings this week was the result of moving my regular day from Wednesday evening to Sunday evening, but I'm glad we could get two evenings in instead of doing 10 days apart to reset the schedule.

Ah, poly scheduling.
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  #47  
Old 01-11-2012, 04:18 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Hi PaperGrace,
I just re-read your posts in this thread (I confess to skimming before now). I see how my question of getting another regular day per week would be ver-r-r-r-r-ry difficult. Somehow it did not register with me that PaperSO has not only a wife but two other gfs, as well as you. And a child. And you sound like you have quite an active life, and many friends for whom you also make time. Yes, poly scheduling, indeed!

However, allotting time isn't really the heart of the matter. I can relate to how bittersweet it can feel to be in bed alone when you and SO say goodnight to each other on the phone. Even though I do not want a primary of my own, and have yet to juggle multiple serious relationships for very long since I embraced polyamory, I can identify with that sense that something is missing. Most of my relationships, since I chose to live polyamorously, have been more casual than anything else. I see my current lover about once a week, sometimes twice a week, and sometimes once every other week. He and I've been careful to keep this very lighthearted and not demanding, and in a sense I suppose that kind of "distance" can be similar to being a "secondary."

Neither of us has anyone else but I agreed to a FWB situation because he said he didn't think he could involve himself any deeper than that. I do love him and the situation is actually perfect for how my life is right now, but many times I wish I had more involvement in some way with someone (though not by having a primary partner, and not with him when it comes right down to it -- because I don't think he and I are meant to be closely entwined). I want to meet someone and develop another relationship, if that could happen, and like the appeal of having several no-muss-no-fuss lovers (my latest poly goal). The truth is I like my autonomy, yet sometimes when I lay in bed alone at night I feel the loneliness like crazy. And until it comes to fruition that I do have another relationship, I am left to feel the holes in this one, even though I am happy with it and do love him. The dichotomy of emotions is confusing sometimes. And I think it's understandable if you feel some amount of struggle with pursuing a primary while you are in a relationship, as Opalescent described. I think Opalescent mentioned some very pertinent aspects to consider.

I was thinking of the song lyrics "Love the one you're with" when I first clicked here tonight, because I believe I'd rather have something good part-time than give it up for something unpredictable (any new relationships you may start). I personally think I would want to continue with my SO even just once a week and remain open to other possibilities, or actively seek them out, and see what happens. Then but after rereading everything, I realized that would be a glib thing to just toss those lyrics at you. It might still be useful for you to approach it like that, with a sense of joy and abandon, but you also might have a tough decision to make. Obviously there is a lot of love in your relationship with SO, and if you were getting your needs met in other ways or with someone else, it sounds like it's just a wonderful situation. I am sorry I spent so much space talking about myself, and I guess I don't really have any advice to offer, but I just wanted you to know that I empathize with what you're going through very much, even though our situations are different.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 01-11-2012 at 04:55 AM.
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  #48  
Old 01-14-2012, 01:43 AM
PaperGrace PaperGrace is offline
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@nycindie, I'm so glad you did write about yourself so I could say, my loneliness is not an absolute feeling of being alone, it's this:
Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Hi PaperGrace,
The truth is I like my autonomy, yet sometimes when I lay in bed alone at night I feel the loneliness like crazy. And until it comes to fruition that I do have another relationship, I am left to feel the holes in this one, even though I am happy with it and do love him.
Yes, I am crazy busy with friends, and responsibilities, and more. But I am still empty at times. I am a little less lonely because you understand.

And this:
Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
...a sense of joy and abandon
I aspire to that joy and abandon. I had it when I met my SO. I'd like to find it again. I'll need to make a decision and find peace with it, what ever it is. Thanks for giving me the space to hash it out.

Last edited by PaperGrace; 01-14-2012 at 05:28 AM.
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