Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 01-13-2012, 12:55 PM
gwendolenthefair's Avatar
gwendolenthefair gwendolenthefair is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 62
Default Sexual dysfunction in a new relationship (warning, sexual content here)

I have been in a long-distance relationship with an amazing man for about six months, plus knew him virtually for about four months before we actually met. He and I are in love and it's quite wonderful! I sometimes feel like my life would be just perfect if I could only see him more often. Right now we are averaging a weekend together about every three or four months.

My partner's wife is monogamous, although cautiously supportive of him and his poly nature. He has known he was poly for about six years now. I know she'd prefer that he be monogamous too, but she accepts that he is poly. I met her the last time I saw him, and although I wouldn't say we bonded as friends, she was polite and civil to me and welcomed me into her home, and I think that was probably the best I could have hoped for.

While I am not the first woman outside his marriage my partner has loved, I AM the first one he both loves, and has also had sexual intercourse with.

Here is the problem. My partner has some hormonal issues that have made sex difficult or impossible for him in the past. He's under the care of a doctor, and taking hormonal supplementation, and from a hormonal standpoint, at least, he is OK now. I do know that he has had issues with performance anxiety. He says he is having normal sexual intercourse with his wife most of the time. They do not use condoms. He does use condoms with me. While we have technically managed sexual intercourse a couple of times, it's always an "he's just barely hard enough to manage it" situation, and he always loses his erection a few minutes after we start. He has never had an orgasm with me. (I've had a bunch, he's great with his hands.) I can't seem to do a thing for him orally, or with my hands. He says that oral, at least, can't get him off anyway. I have the same problem myself.

I think we would have a good shot at successful intercourse if we could skip condoms. At the moment, my lover is my only partner outside of my marriage. My husband does not have other sexual partners outside of me at present. Neither my lover nor his wife have other partners. I was tested for all known STDs a few months ago and I was 100 percent fine, no oral herpes even. In addition, my lover had a vasectomy years ago.

I do realize that if any of us add partners, fluid bonding may have to end, depending on what is going on.

The problem is that my lover's wife refuses to approve us fluid bonding. He says she is worried about pregnancy. (Outside of him having a vasectomy, I am 47 years old too, and would never have a baby with anyone but my husband anyway.) I offered to use a backup method of contraception, and then he said she is worried about diseases. I point out that I have clean STD tests and no other partners at present. He then sighs, says she is not being rational and that he is not unhappy with our sex life. I don't like to tell him that I AM unhappy with our sex life, but of course I am. I want to see him have an orgasm. I want to have intercourse for more than three minutes. I want to have intercourse with a guy who is actually erect enough to penetrate me without serious gymnastics.

My lover's wife is aware that we are having these sexual difficulties, according to him. I suspect that this has nothing to do with pregnancy and disease, and everything to do with her wanting to be the only one he really enjoys sex with. I can't exactly say that to him though.

For now, I told my lover to try wearing condoms with his wife, and hopefully get used to them enough so that he can have normal sexual intercourse with a condom on.

Does anyone have any other suggestions? He did suggest a female condom for me, which his wife would approve as a substitute for a male one. I've never used one, but I already have some issues with decreased sensation during intercourse (ah, the joys of impending menopause), and I don't want to make things even worse in that area.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 01-13-2012, 01:23 PM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,233
Default

Maybe a diaphragm or a cervical cap? They're smaller than a female condom and might not block sensation the same way, but would provide the same safety.
__________________
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 01-13-2012, 01:52 PM
gwendolenthefair's Avatar
gwendolenthefair gwendolenthefair is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 62
Default

I already offered to use a diaphragm with him, AnnabelMore. It's rather ridiculous since he must have a zero sperm count (he was tested as such years ago, and he's never gotten his wife pregnant since his vasectomy, and she is younger than I am too). But I'd do it for her comfort. She nixed that because a diaphragm is no protection against diseases. Which I don't HAVE, and my STD testing proves that!

As you can see, this is a little frustrating...
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 01-13-2012, 02:31 PM
PolyKat PolyKat is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 38
Default

Do you ever talk to the wife directly, or is he the liason? Can the three of you meet together and discuss this, or can you develop a closer relationship with her so she can feel less threatened by you?
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 01-13-2012, 02:56 PM
gwendolenthefair's Avatar
gwendolenthefair gwendolenthefair is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 62
Default

I doubt I'll see her before this summer. They live 2,000 miles away from me. I will be seeing him in April at a poly social event, which she likely will not attend with him, even though he wants her to come and I've encouraged it as well. (Plus the wife has an email friendship with my husband, whom she has never met, and he will be there too.)

She and I do email occasionally, but I have to say that I haven't enjoyed that much. She and I are very different people, and even though I know she doesn't intend to see me as an adversary, that still comes through the communication a bit, for me.

Mainly, the feeling I get from her is "There is nothing in it for me personally, that my husband has these feelings from you and is sleeping with you. So I won't make too many waves, but I certainly won't like it either, and I'm not going to go out of my way to smooth the path for you two."
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 01-13-2012, 04:05 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,373
Default

I always remember some advice TruckerPete gave to a guy with the same problem in another thread:

Quote:
Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
I have a friend who can't get hard the first few times with any woman he feels a connection to.

If you don't already have an open dialogue about the issue you're experiencing... I'd suggest you start talking about it. Something simple...

Also, how are you putting your condom on? Do you try to get it on as soon as possible when you know it's "go" time? That could be scaring your man parts. Try putting the condom on and not jumping straight to sex. Touch yourself or have her touch you with it on. Don't be afraid to go through a few condoms before you actually have sex.
I have also seen others recommend that a guy practice getting comfortable with wearing a condom by masturbating with one on as much as possible.

It's very soon for fluid-bonding. You've only known him six months. Furthermore, it is a boundary in his primary relationship which should be respected. You almost sound like you're having a tantrum about it. How would you feel if your husband had a gf who was harping on him to change a boundary you and he agreed upon, and which was very important to you? It doesn't matter what her reason is, just because you don't like how the sex is going doesn't mean you're more entitled to going bareback than she is. Where is your empathy for what she is going through, being mono and allowing space in their relationship for him to have a gf? I think her position as his mono wife -- who is obviously struggling -- should be given compassionate consideration for the gift she has given you both.

I think you should try every option for you and he to handle issues within your relationship without trying to get her to change for you by giving up a boundary before she's ready. It's an unfair expectation to place on her and, let's face it, your relationship with him is still in the beginning stages. And it's not her fault you can't talk to him about not being satisfied. Better off to try and work past that one and make the necessary effort to communicate honestly with him about your disappointment (without blaming him or her). If you love him, you owe him that much.

And an STD-free report from a few months ago is apparently still inconclusive. It doesn't mean there was no infection immediately after the tests were done. From what I've read, it needs to be followed up with another 3-6 months later, for more peace of mind.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

Last edited by nycindie; 01-13-2012 at 07:16 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 01-13-2012, 06:58 PM
Derbylicious's Avatar
Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 1,603
Default

If she is really worried about diseases she should be insisting that he wears a condom with her rather than insisting that he wear a condom with others. We are all responsible for our own sexual health. I'm not saying that he shouldn't wear a condom with you (honestly until you've had that follow up testing 6 months since the last outside sexual contact for any of you there is no way to know that you're 100% in the clear). I would have follow up testing done (and ask him to do the same). Then you can approach this conversation with her again. Also try the female condom, it might be more satisfying than you think it's going to be.
__________________
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 01-13-2012, 07:50 PM
BlackUnicorn's Avatar
BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906
Default

She might be just having issues with trust, instead of actively wanting to hamper your sexual enjoyment of each other. She doesn't know you - how can she trust you in that when you say you are only having sex with him and your husband? Not only does she have to trust her husband and you, but also YOUR husband, with her health and safety. She will have to trust that your husband will never have an affair that he chooses not to tell about to you.

I had a very similar problem which did not end very satisfactorily. Female condoms didn't affect my sensation as such, but they didn't stay on very well . Are you sure all of this is just condom anxiety and not general performance pressure, as you said he isn't really responding well to manual stimulation either?
__________________
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 01-13-2012, 08:35 PM
ViableAlternative ViableAlternative is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 67
Default

Just because your boyfriend's wife trusts your boyfriend does not mean that she is under any obligation to trust you - now or ever. But I bet as the relationship matures, she might be able to become more comfortable with your position in her life if you continue to be diligent about your own sexual health, love for your boyfriend, and respect for her.

She has every right to make boundaries within her primary partnership. You have every right not to like those boundaries. But the only thing you have CONTROL over is your involvement in the relationship. If your boyfriend is satisfied with the boundaries his wife needs to feel confident about her sexual health, you're welcome to be unhappy about it and discuss it with them, but I think it's unfair to expect them to change a boundary that they're both content with.

I don't mean this harshly at all, so please don't take it that way; I don't know you or have any reason to be mean to you or make you angry, so please see this as constructive criticism from an outside 3rd party stranger looking in. Your post sincerely reads as though you're villifying her in your own mind, and making her responsible for your sexual disappointment. Things like how "the feeling I get from her is "There is nothing in it for me personally, that my husband has these feelings from you and is sleeping with you. So I won't make too many waves, but I certainly won't like it either, and I'm not going to go out of my way to smooth the path for you two." and "I suspect that this has nothing to do with pregnancy and disease, and everything to do with her wanting to be the only one he really enjoys sex with".... Especially in that last quote, it seems very villifying. She has given an extremely reasonable explanation for why she wishes him to use condoms with other partners. She doesn't want her sexual health compromised. She might trust him with her sexual health, but I think it's a bit much to expect her to trust someone (you) that she doesn't know very well nor has any background from which to establish any trust.

My suggestion? Accept her reasons and words at face value, try to understand her and show her understanding and compassion, and try to build a foundation with her that could allow for the development of trust.

Oh, and if your reason really IS that you want your boyfriend to achieve orgasm, it might please you to know that I know at least two men who can, for a fact, achieve orgasm and ejaculation with a flaccid cock, and manual stimulation alone. Lube helps

If your reason is more that you want to be penetrated, bear in mind that lack of a condom would provide no guarantees. And I don't think that him wearing a condom with his wife is very helpful or fair, but masturbating with a condom is a great suggestion. You might also have him try masturbating with the condom on when he loses erection and can't stay in you. Encourage him, make him feel sexy. Losing an erection can make a guy feel humiliated and inadequate; if you can help him feel like he's still sexy and you still want him (and his cock), it could make all the difference. Try not to be disappointed, and try not to show disappointment. Channel that into encouragement and help him regain that erection while the condom's still on, and you might be able to pick right back up where you left off. State of mind can mean everything!
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 01-13-2012, 09:35 PM
gwendolenthefair's Avatar
gwendolenthefair gwendolenthefair is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 62
Default

Thanks to everyone for their input on this. I haven't used this forum much yet, I'm more active on another one, but I so appreciate the variety of responses and how much thought everyone seems to put into them. I would like to respond to a few specific points several of you have made.

First off, vis a vis my sexual safety. I have not been with anyone else for a year except for boyfriend and husband. My last sexual experience that included anyone else was January 2011. I was tested for everything in August 2011 and I was fine. This means that anything I could have caught from my January partner had seven months to incubate. I met boyfriend for the first time in person later that month. He had had recent STD tests too, and had not had any sexual partners outside his marriage for at least three years, I believe. His wife has always been monogamous, for over two decades. My husband has been monogamous for about two years. I would say we are all perfectly safe. If anyone is lying about their sexual history, it's just as likely that it's his wife, as me. But I trust that she is being honest and hasn't cheated on him, because I know enough about her as a person to feel confident in that. I feel that she should know enough about me too. I can't MAKE someone trust me, but our interaction thus far, while somewhat limited, has definitely promoted the building of trust. If she doesn't trust me now, I doubt she ever will. That would be very sad, for me.

I believe she does trust my husband. They have formed a very close and regular penpal relationship, and I know she has told him some very personal things, which he has not shared with me. She is right to trust him, my husband would never cheat on anyone. I had hoped that her getting to know my husband so well would help my relationship with her, but so far, I can't tell if it is or not.

I do have empathy for the wife as a mono, nycindie, but I also know that she has put her husband, the man I love, through hell for about six YEARS now. I worry that she is NEVER going to be OK with him being poly, and I wonder how being with me can even be worth it to him. Every time he sees me it seems to engender so much discord on his end. I would have walked away a long time ago, love or no love, if I thought that by doing so he would just default to monogamy and be content with that, but he is poly to the core. He has told her numerous times that he loves her dearly, but if she truly can't deal with him being poly, he will let her go and support her as much as he can in building a new life and new relationships. She chooses to stay.

Vis a vis masturbating with a condom, boyfriend has tried that. He said he has been successful at doing that, and it isn't helping us. He's also tried drugs that are supposed to help with ED, on top of the hormones he's already on. The only thing he hasn't tried yet is wearing a condom with his wife. He said he is willing to do this.

I will address ViableAlternative's points individually:

She has every right to make boundaries within her primary partnership. You have every right not to like those boundaries. But the only thing you have CONTROL over is your involvement in the relationship. If your boyfriend is satisfied with the boundaries his wife needs to feel confident about her sexual health, you're welcome to be unhappy about it and discuss it with them, but I think it's unfair to expect them to change a boundary that they're both content with.

Only one of them is content with the boundaries she has set. My boyfriend is not content with them at all. He wants to fluid bond with me. He will not push it too much at this point because he doesn't want to upset her anymore than just him being poly is upsetting her. However, he says that if she is still not agreeing to allow us in another year's time, he will likely go ahead without her agreement on it, assuming that it still feels safe to him to do so.

Your post sincerely reads as though you're villifying her in your own mind, and making her responsible for your sexual disappointment. Things like how "the feeling I get from her is "There is nothing in it for me personally, that my husband has these feelings from you and is sleeping with you.

His wife actually said this pretty much verbatim to me in one of her emails to me a few months ago. While I like to think that her attitude has changed, I can't be sure. Her behavior on the fluid bonding issue doesn't seem to support that it has, to me.

"I suspect that this has nothing to do with pregnancy and disease, and everything to do with her wanting to be the only one he really enjoys sex with".... Especially in that last quote, it seems very villifying.

Maybe so. But the fact that she insists that a man with a five-year-old vasectomy that has always worked just fine, can get a 47 year-old woman in perimenopause pregnant, seems very disingenuous to me. Boyfriend says she is far more worried about pregnancy than STD risks. That is just not rational, and when something isn't rational, I look for the reasons behind it. I know she has major sexual jealousy where he is concerned. I also know that she isn't worried he is going to leave her for me, since I am totally unavailable to him in that way anyway. So I came up with a possible reason for her behavior. It might not be the kindest reason, but the circumstances support it, I think.

Last edited by gwendolenthefair; 01-14-2012 at 04:24 AM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
condoms, dick problems, fluid bonding, sexual dysfunction

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:23 PM.