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  #91  
Old 01-13-2012, 03:56 PM
MrsPOd MrsPOd is offline
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"He's home every night, but is he getting "date nights" 4-5 nights a week with you also? "

I've offered more date nights and he rejects me.
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  #92  
Old 01-13-2012, 06:11 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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I'm wondering, if while in NRE, he felt like you only spent time with him out of obligation. Runic Wolf would say that to me occasionally in the early days of our quad, when I didn't have a handle on the NRE (after being poly for years, this was the first relationship I'd been in where there was a fiery burning passion for someone other than him and I hadn't heard of the dangers of NRE at that point.) You say that the nights increased from 2 to 4-5, was that while you were still in NRE or after Mr. got his girlfriend? I can see it being a combination of both, especially if you were in anyway wrapped up in NRE.

From his posts it seems like he took your entire relationship with your OSO(s) to mean that you wanted less of a connection/ commitment to him. So he gave you what he thought you wanted, got a girlfriend AND then you snapped out of NRE. Perhaps because you started getting to know your girlfriend better and became concerned about her relationship with your boyfriend? So now you are reminded that you need/ want to focus on your marriage, but he feels (IMHO) that it's too little too late or even insincere?
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  #93  
Old 01-14-2012, 10:34 AM
MrsPOd MrsPOd is offline
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"You say that the nights increased from 2 to 4-5, was that while you were still in NRE or after Mr. got his girlfriend?"

After my husband got his girlfriend.

I had NRE troubles during the first year of my relationship with my bf. This is one of the reasons why I temporarily broke things off.
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  #94  
Old 01-14-2012, 10:39 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KindaPOd View Post
Counseling did discuss cheating. She said that she didn't do it. I was split 50/50 on the issue. Can't prove it, can't deny it. Only thing left to do was accept that you can't always know everything.
This line of reasoning is fundamentally flawed.

Trust is the cornerstone of a good marriage, or any relationship really. If you're looking for proof, that means you don't trust her.

I found condoms in my husband's glove box. We don't use condoms. I asked him what they were for. He said sometimes he gets bored in the car (he works out of town, drives long hours) and uses them to masturbate. I believe him.

Now that right there is what a judge and jury would call evidence. But if I can't trust my husband not to lie to me about having sex with another woman, then we really don't have any foundation to work from for anything else in our marriage.

I have never caught him in any lie, ever. So I have this question for you: Do you know your wife to be a regular liar? Or is this the only thing that you don't trust her on?

If she doesn't typically lie to you, it might be worthwhile to introspect on why you doubt her now. It could be a manifestation of some other insecurity you have either in the relationship or in yourself. Getting to the root of that might do wonders for your marriage in general.
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  #95  
Old 01-15-2012, 06:28 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I was asking if their marriage ( bf,gf) blew up/ went south what would happen? Not yours....

I'm little confused ....you treat all your partners equal and yet you want primary status from your husband. Explain how that's fair or reasonable.
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  #96  
Old 01-15-2012, 11:28 AM
MrsPOd MrsPOd is offline
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"I was asking if their marriage ( bf,gf) blew up/ went south what would happen? Not yours...."

Your wording was ambiguous, dinged!

I would stay with my husband and see if I could work things out if possible. If my husband wants to leave me, than once we are more financially secure, he will.

"I'm little confused ....you treat all your partners equal and yet you want primary status from your husband. Explain how that's fair or reasonable."

I try to treat them equally. I fail at that. I'm still biased towards my husband.

I don't know if I want primary status. I just don't like secondary status.
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  #97  
Old 01-15-2012, 01:30 PM
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Secondary doesn't mean less love, necessarily. Secondary usually means the lover that you don't live with, don't share living expenses and childcare. People that have 2 primaries generally live with both, or neither.

I'm sorry your lover and your h's gf have sucked up so much of your attention for each other as primaries... NRE can be hard to handle.

Regaining intimacy with each other will take work. It sounds like coming to this board for advice was a last chance KindaPOed took to save you marriage. All is not lost.
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  #98  
Old 01-16-2012, 03:17 AM
MrsPOd MrsPOd is offline
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"Secondary doesn't mean less love, necessarily."

It does in our case.

Thank you for your thoughts. I still have hope.
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  #99  
Old 01-16-2012, 08:09 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsPOd View Post
"I think her point was that if you are spending 4-5 days a week with your other lovers and Kinda is home everyday, it might make sense that he is feeling less committed to your marriage. "

Oh. That makes much more sense.

I used to spend more time with my husband and less time with my OSOs. It used to be around 2 times a week when we first started dating. It slowly increased when Kinda got his girlfriend.
My husband and I schedule to be at home together at least 2x a week, and try to arrange our dates on somewhat overlapping nights so we aren't always missing each other and failing to have time to connect. It does sound like MrPOd might not be willing to do this now, but it can't hurt to keep that in mind.

Have you considered just...cutting back on the date nights with your other partners and just spending more time at home, even if it's by yourself? If you aren't even around to so he can connect with you if he has the desire to, I don't see that he's getting the chance.

I know it won't feel good sometimes, and it could get you nowhere, but if you do want to try to build a stronger bond with him, you probably have to really show him that you want it AND be available for it to happen. Nurturing the relationship you have with yourself is always a good idea too. Taking time alone for hobbies, introspection, reading, whatever, is something people can forget to put effort into when they get busy with other relationships.

I really have no idea if you cheated on him or not, and I really think he would benefit from putting his feeling about it behind him either way, and trying to start from a clean slate, but since he seems reluctant to do so, I guess you know what you have to work with.

I'm going to recommend a book for you if you haven't read it (just added it to the book and website sticky thread too)
"How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It: Finding Love Beyond Words" by Patricia Love and Steven Stosny.
There are a few things in it that after having read what I have that you and MrPOd have posted, I think would be helpful for your situation, it talks a lot about how men (and women) act when they are hurt, and how women (and men) respond back in a way that turns it into a very unhelpful cycle. Bleh, I'm not describing it well but I'd suggest reading the reviews on amazon and seeing if it sounds like something that would help.
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 01-16-2012 at 08:11 PM.
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  #100  
Old 01-17-2012, 08:26 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Have you both read sarahfina's thread? Any simliarities to your situation...or points to help start a conversation.

Has anything written here helped the 2 of you in broaching or promoting difficult conversations?

How early or late in your relationship with your bf did you realize that the hierarchy of primary or secondary didn't work ...both were equals? Was that ever talked about?

I thought he ( kinda) wanted to re shape the dynamic and the demands of time, energy, focus to reflect a more casual or secondary relationship....perhaps similar to how yours started out in the beginning dating your bf...minus the nre. once a week or once a month dates or something...reconnect time.

What types of things have the 2 of you done in the past to improve your marriage?.....the book suggestion by Anne triggered this thought/edit

Last edited by dingedheart; 01-17-2012 at 08:32 AM.
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