A question for the mono men

[AnnabelMore]

One way to think of it -- every person who posts bumps the thread to the top of the list and increases the chances that your target audience will see it.

Omg, Sward and Lin are so adorable!!

I may ask my mono bf about this at some point, but I know it's far from his favorite topic so I wanna leave it be for now. I know that for him it helped that I was willing to hold off while he processed the idea, that in the end it came down to saying "as long as it's not negatively affecting out relationship it's ok", and that he wants to know and feel comfortable with any man I might wanna get involved with (or any woman, of course, but it's harder for him with men so I think it would be all the more crucial with another man).

[PolyKat]

Originally Posted by Phy

Aren't I good at taking minutes? Well, maybe this helps to satisfy your curiosity.

Phy.. VERY much impressed!!! And some great insight to work with. My fiance is such an Alpha male, so I'm sure it'll be that much more difficult.

Annabel.. Yes, I think Sward and Lin are adorable as well.. that was a great read! I'm glad your situation worked itself out and I understand the "leave it be for now".

[Phy]

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore

Omg, Sward and Lin are so adorable!!

Aren't they? It's so great to see them interact in such harmony.

[Atri]

I know you're keeping the thread focused on one particular question, but it got me thinking about one I've been mulling over for a while and it seemed to fit.

Why do some mono guys see no threat in their female partner dating another woman as well?

One conclusion I've come to is that men feel no sexual threat from women... like there is no competition, which sort of makes me smirk. But that's being filtered through my lady-like b.s. filter, I'd like to hear from men that really aren't put-off by their girlfriend dating another woman!

[Phy]

It would be all the same for my men. Me loving another person, female or male, would restrain the time I would have to offer greatly; none of them wants that to happen at the moment. It's all new for us still, maybe that is the main point in our case, but I don't think that it would make a huge difference if there would be a new woman in my life over a man along the way later on. It would always be a competion for time.

And I think they are right. A new love is a new love, regardless of the gender. In the mono-poly-plus-fidelity-case this means: Don't you dare push it beyond repair and my capacity to process things ^.^

[Atri]

Haha, I definitely agree Phy, I was just wondering for the people that have experienced that.

My gf's partner doesn't care if she dates me, but would not let her be poly with other men. I haven't discussed this with him as our friendship is still relatively young as well, but I'm wondering if any experienced men have had these stipulations and why?

[ThatGirlInGray]

Atri, the Bi Assumptions thread got around to that topic just yesterday. I'm pretty sure many others have as well.

PolyKat, I'll ask hubby to look at this when he's home from work tonight.

[PolyKat]

Originally Posted by Atri

Why do some mono guys see no threat in their female partner dating another woman as well?

Well, from what Phy's men were saying, it goes towards the two of them being told and recognizing that they both bring something new to the table. My fiance can't yet look at the poly lifestyle beyond the sex (swinging) and therefore, he and another man are bringing the exact same thing to the table (the sausage).. then I think he goes to thinking, what if that guy has a bigger sausage and so I like him better? Not realizing that bigger is different.. not better or worse.. just different.

So (honey, if and when u read this, here it is).. My fiance is bigger than my ex-husband. My ex was at the perfect size to reach some spot in me that would make my entire body quiver and put tears in my eyes. My fiance glides right by that magical spot. My fiance has found a way to add some pillows and positions me in a way that makes my head spin and almost ready to claim that it happened (insider). Another larger man might glide right past that spot. So, I believe there's nothing to fear.

Does that bring it all back to a simple masculinity issue again? Goodness....

I don't know how he feels about the ability to have actual feelings for another person, while at the same time loving him fully and completely. I think, at this time, his focus is on sex. In that way, if it was a female, he feels turned on and not threatened.. and possibly not realizing that if I did explore that side, it doesn't mean that she would be comfortable inviting him into the bedroom scene, even for viewing pleasure.

So.. in a follow up question: What is the real issue? Sex or intimacy? And why would things with a woman be different? It's still someone else that you're sharing your love's affection with.

[Phy]

Just a short note:

Lin just said something, that sounded really logical for me when I read your last comment. I could easily understood where he was coming from.

He would feel more threatened by a woman having sex with me, than a man. Why? He regards woman on woman as some kind of playing at home. Woman know what woman want. Better than men ever could. So, reduced on the physical part of the problem, woman are more threatening to him

Sward is on the same page, btw.

[redpepper]

Have you looked at any other threads on mono/poly relationships? Its our biggest tag here. Check it out in the search engine under "tags" and do a tag search there for "mono/poly."

Originally Posted by PolyKat

How did the two of you communicate and work through things? How long did it take (understanding that each person is different)?

This part is very well addressed in most threads discussed previously here. I like your other questions. They mnke people think. Me and mono have been over it all five million times at this point as indicated in my blog. Its become something we generally don't bother talking about any more. I will tell him about your questions, but really we just see it as being from two different cultures and trying to understand each other that way.