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  #11  
Old 01-12-2012, 04:42 PM
vermin06 vermin06 is offline
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I'm seeing red flags about. He sounds a lot like my douchey ex-boyfriend (before I married). Anytime he thought I was flirting (thought, when I never did) with other guys, he would accuse me of cheating on him, right off the bat, and I would chase friends off to appease him.

The fact that you were his first girl friend tells me a lot about his jealousy. Also the fact that he said it's YOUR fault he married so quickly is another huge red flag. Another key to his jealousy as well.

If he's saying things like, "Well, early on in our relationship, you did X, and I didn't get to, so I want to, but you can't now" is yet another red flag. We call this behavior "retribution" or "revenge". Is this how loving spouses treat their past issues?

His jealousy (even if it has gotten "a little better"), to the point where he has chased off friends of yours in the past, does speak loudly about him, but the fact that you encouraged this (with good intentions of course) also says something about you. It says that you may be willing to do more than your fair share for his sake and his feelings, when really those things are HIS problems, and his alone to deal with, at the cost of your own emotional well being.

I'm basing this off my own very similar experience, and in hind sight, I was quite a bit to blame for my unhappiness in that relationship because I didn't stand up for myself and walk away sooner.

Would I encourage counseling? Certainly, there's no harm in trying, but you need to sit down with yourself and get a clear, REALISTIC, expectation. How do you want your marriage to look? Is that reasonable for the average person to achieve? How "happy" do you want to be? What will that require you to do for the marriage, and what will that require your spouse to do? Most importantly, if your marriage stays near the level of where it is, your daughter is involved. Do you want to teach her that it's okay for a man's jealousy to run a woman's life to the point of sacrificing her friends and loved ones? Picture you being your daughter; is that the life you want her to live?

Best of luck, and I hope my cloudy, gloomy response was helpful in some way
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  #12  
Old 01-12-2012, 05:07 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Quote:
Picture you being your daughter; is that the life you want her to live?
Quoted For Truth. Absolutely. I think I need this on a poster or something in my house. It's an excellent reminder/motivator.
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Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack
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  #13  
Old 01-12-2012, 05:09 PM
LadyLeStrange LadyLeStrange is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vermin06 View Post

His jealousy (even if it has gotten "a little better"), to the point where he has chased off friends of yours in the past, does speak loudly about him, but the fact that you encouraged this (with good intentions of course) also says something about you. It says that you may be willing to do more than your fair share for his sake and his feelings, when really those things are HIS problems, and his alone to deal with, at the cost of your own emotional well being.

I'm basing this off my own very similar experience, and in hind sight, I was quite a bit to blame for my unhappiness in that relationship because I didn't stand up for myself and walk away sooner.
But the thing is, is that i HAVE been standing up for myself. And we have been doing better. I mean up until 6 months ago i was a christian. At least i was trying to be one. But i am a pagan. I always have been. I just finally realized that it was ok to embrace it rather than force myself into a religion that made me feel like i prisoner. I didn't stand up for myself before, because i didn't think i was "allowed" to- you will know what i am talking about if you are familiar with the biblical view on marriage and relationships. he and i both thought i had to just "submit" to his every demand of me and deny myself for him. Im not going to lie, leaving christianity almost cost us our marriage. But when it got down to it, he decided he was ok with it because he saw that i wasn't a completely different. I was just letting myself out. I wasn't going to leave him for my religion or anything. It helped our relationship SO much to take that step. He struggled with it at first, (we were both raised in hardcore christian families), But now it is great. I feel like i can be myself. Express my spirituality more effectively ETC... also he has been questioning his own beliefs, and starting to do his own search rather just take what our parents taught us at face value. He has been much more open about many things since. My point is that coming out with my spirituality made us stronger and helped our relationship in ways that i never thought it could. Hes not changing over night, but i can see the changes happening. If i can be open and honest with him about my spirituality, i think i can at least try to be open and honest with him about my relationship preferences. I don't want to have to hide this, like i had to hide my spirituality.

He seems open to it on his side. He is open to my spirituality. Why should i not have hope that he can come to terms with and be open to this part of me as well? I have been thinking about this realistically. And i realized this about myself in the process. But that is also why i came here to get some input.
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  #14  
Old 01-12-2012, 05:14 PM
LadyLeStrange LadyLeStrange is offline
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Originally Posted by vermin06 View Post
Do you want to teach her that it's okay for a man's jealousy to run a woman's life to the point of sacrificing her friends and loved ones? Picture you being your daughter; is that the life you want her to live?
Absolutely not. And its not anymore. That is why i think that being able to come out about this part of me will help us get away from that. Especially through counseling and very open and honest communication about our feelings.

Last edited by LadyLeStrange; 01-12-2012 at 05:16 PM.
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  #15  
Old 01-12-2012, 05:31 PM
vermin06 vermin06 is offline
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Originally Posted by LadyLeStrange View Post
But the thing is, is that i HAVE been standing up for myself. And we have been doing better. I mean up until 6 months ago i was a christian. At least i was trying to be one. But i am a pagan. I always have been. I just finally realized that it was ok to embrace it rather than force myself into a religion that made me feel like i prisoner. I didn't stand up for myself before, because i didn't think i was "allowed" to- you will know what i am talking about if you are familiar with the biblical view on marriage and relationships. he and i both thought i had to just "submit" to his every demand of me and deny myself for him. Im not going to lie, leaving christianity almost cost us our marriage. But when it got down to it, he decided he was ok with it because he saw that i wasn't a completely different. I was just letting myself out. I wasn't going to leave him for my religion or anything. It helped our relationship SO much to take that step. He struggled with it at first, (we were both raised in hardcore christian families), But now it is great. I feel like i can be myself. Express my spirituality more effectively ETC... also he has been questioning his own beliefs, and starting to do his own search rather just take what our parents taught us at face value. He has been much more open about many things since. My point is that coming out with my spirituality made us stronger and helped our relationship in ways that i never thought it could. Hes not changing over night, but i can see the changes happening. If i can be open and honest with him about my spirituality, i think i can at least try to be open and honest with him about my relationship preferences. I don't want to have to hide this, like i had to hide my spirituality.

He seems open to it on his side. He is open to my spirituality. Why should i not have hope that he can come to terms with and be open to this part of me as well? I have been thinking about this realistically. And i realized this about myself in the process. But that is also why i came here to get some input.
OH the Christian marriage. When my eldest sister was getting married, the pastor handed her some handbook on marriage with essentially told her to obey the husband, yada yada. I used to be a hardcore christian as a teenager, but am now not religious at all (I'm pagan, in a non-deistic/theistic way), which has allowed me to take control of who I am, and to strive for who I want to be.

However, that kind of self-change doesn't infringe of what he may have ingrained as "his". I'm not saying he's objectifying you, but in the mono culture we're brought up in, and I know you guys had been brought up in for sure, "the one" or the "true love" "happily ever after" expectation of marriage.

This does go a little beyond a self-identity crisis (which one goes through when changing such personal views as spiritual belief) when you realize you're polyamorous. It affects him, and he may not be for the idea because he may believe that marriage should still be between just one man and one woman, or at least just between two people. Something tells me he hasn't learned how to deal with jealousy, how to be with jealousy, how to ride it's wave, then come back to himself and realize that his jealousy is placed in his own insecurities. Truth be told, my husband is currently trying to deal with his jealousy (I'm crushing on another fellah, you see), and it's not an easy thing for most men at first because of how our culture teaches us every day that jealousy should be avoided. We're knew to polyamory, the philosophies and ideas are wonderful to us, but we have to work on his jealousy before moving ahead.

The thing is, you have to let him know how you feel about relationships, and how you feel they should work for you, and if he isn't compatible with that, what will you do? Will you sacrifice your own well being and happiness for him (when you're already unhappy), or will you leave him for greener meadows? Because the scary truth is, you can't make him change his mind. You can only change your own, and if/when you do, you have to figure out for whom you changing it for. If he's okaying being poly, but he's not okay with you being poly, then he's setting an unfair, unreasonable expectation of you. He's looking for the best enjoyment for himself, at your expense. It's up to you to decided if that is what you want, whether that be the case, or not.

Last edited by vermin06; 01-12-2012 at 05:33 PM.
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